Monday, December 31, 2007

The Last Day of 2007

I can’t believe it’s the end of another year. So much has happened, both good and bad. In a lot of ways I have to say I will be glad to say goodbye to this year as it has been a tough one and I am also thinking next year is going to be amazing! Well it better bloody had be!

So with that in mind and new starts on my brain I have enroled at the gym! Yes Simon is going to try and get fit. I have to say that ‘Calvin’ frankly couldn’t be arsed to train me at all which really annoyed me as to be honest when you are paying £49 a month for an ex local leisure centre the staff could be a little more friendly. There’s no contract with this place so if it doesn’t impress I will leave.

The exercises they want me to do look far too long and daunting too! I mean considering I have done no exercise for sodding months they want me to do the cross runner for 15mins, then the treadmill for 15mins then the bike for 15mins. Plus 3 sets of 12 on various torture devices, I mean weights. However the new improved positive Simon of 2008 will find it all wondrous I am sure.

I am now just back from ‘Snow White’. I took Mr B to see his first ever pantomime thanks to the ex. We went to his theatre (Wimbledon) to see it and I have to say I was sadly disappointed. There was no dame which is always a downer for a panto frankly. The cast was ok with Ross Kemp (who I wrongly quite fancy) and Willow, you know the dwarf? The stage just seemed really empty all the time and Bobby Davro always pisses me off. I think he thought it was his very own live show. Mr B and the ex got on really well which was really good and made me happy.

Now am going to get my glad rags on for New Years Eve, the most over hyped evening of the year! I am meeting Muffintop and Al, plus PP and G! It should be a good evening as we have a table in Balan’s from 10.30 and plan on eating good food and getting very drunk. Speak to you very hungover in 2008! Goodness that seems so weird.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

I End The Year As A Criminal...

I went to Hitchin in Hertfordshire today (did you know they have the warehouse of one of the biggest sex toy deliveries? Well you do now.) I was going for a COPL brainstorming day with Mitch and also to finally see her new house. I didn’t realise I would get in some trouble for it when I departed.

I decided to get an earlier train than planned, I forgot that when you get to Kings Cross you have to go to the bloody other side of the platform past Platform 9.3/4 when I got there I found there was a mammoth queue for the tickets and after buying my Burger King Breakfast I only had 5 minutes. I spoke to the guy on the Platform and he said that I could use my oyster card to get through and would be able to pay when I got to Hitchin.

Now when I got to Hitchin the f-ing jobs worth wanted confirmation from the station. Now considering I told him twice I came from Kings Cross he kept on insisting that he needed to talk to Finsbury Park station, who naturally said they had had no problems or queues. So I got FINED! Can you believe it? Bloody £20 and then I had to buy a single back. I got a ticket and a document to send my ‘argument’ to their head offices. Absolute pin heads oh I was fumigating! No, really!

Anyways I had a nice day with Mitch, we met up with Kaylord (who pretty much made us organise the day around her, I love her but she’s a real princess sometimes) for lunch in town. Mitch’s house is lovely, perfect for two and her and Matt seem very happy. I bought some cheap Ugg rip off’s. Well I’m not so gay I need the real thing, I will only ruin them.

We saw St. Trinian’s which was so bad it was almost brilliant! As for COPL well… we did some serious brainstorming though as from the picture below you will see it was under the influence of a certain substance and didn’t really amount to very much other than sniggering and giggling! Whoops!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Thats Christmas Over & Done With

Back in London after Christmas… aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh and RELAX! I am not a fan of Christmas, yes I know shocking isn’t it, and you would have thought that I would revel in the tinsel and the shopping and the alcohol. Well the latter is fine. I haven’t put a tree up or any decorations in the flat much to Mr B distress; he says it feels miserable, I said ‘let it’.

Christmas for me is too stressful. I hate the shopping, each year I vow that I will buy the presents nice and early and not hit the mad rush. This year as always I am shopping on the last Saturday before Christmas involving four, yes four, runs into Wimbledon as some of the presents are huge. I got thoroughly pissed off and had to buy myself two Nintendo DS games just to lighten the mood. I am stuck on the Simpson’s which is really frustrating me!

Then there are the hideous train journeys. Two bloody trains to my mothers and this year Euston was closed and so we went from Marylebone on a train where you can’t book a seat, there is no where to put your luggage and they don’t serve drinks or food or seem to have a heating system. Plus the journey that route takes a nice 3.5 hours! Oh and on the way back we were next to so ex cons that had come out of prison that day and were bragging about all the shit they had done, how nice.

Christmas is also about rowing. Big old rows over nothing. Mum and Tim were arguing on the first night about stepsister 2. Who was coming then wasn’t then was via taxi costing Tim £40, she really needs to grow up. I love her but sweet lord. All week it’s been ‘Simon is being mean to me’ fine if you are 10 like Mim, but at 19? It took me saying ‘look I’m 25 and our 19 I have much better things to do than pick on you’ to stop that one. Then it was ‘you locked me in a cupboard 9 years ago’ who cares, I was a little sod and I did lock her up, move on! Me and Amy did it as she was annoying us; I was 16 for goodness sake. Mr B wasn’t sure about it either, every time he tried to talk to her she would talk over him.

Mum and I had a blazer. Christmas Eve we decide to go and see Enchanted. Brilliant film, my mother almost wet herself, seriously. She announced we were leaving in ten minutes whilst we were all in our pyjamas so I flew into a rage. I also called her Hitler on Christmas Day. This was because we had to go a walk ‘yes, even you Simon’ and we couldn’t open any presents until we got back then we could then we couldn’t. Then I was talked to about how to behave with Mr B when Tim’s Mum was there for Christmas dinner, she’s a Methodist and not a big fan of gays. She was fine we had a right laugh; she’s got a very wicked sense of humour which I adored.

I went to Midnight Mass, I am the least religious person ever but Mr B wanted to go so I went along to support him. I managed to drop my hymn book and shout ‘fuck it’ within 5 minutes of being in there. Met some real white witches, Mums new friends who I LOVED! They were so interesting and not at all bothered about telling me all ‘we don’t dance around naked sucking animal blood like people would think’. On Boxing Day we watched them doing some Morris dancing in Ironbridge on the Iron Bridge. It’s the oldest Iron Bridge in the world apparently.

Presents given all good Mr B gave me a brilliant new camera, Kylie tickets (Kylie was a theme my family went with last year and this – how stereotypical, and how much I loved them) and Spice Girls tickets which he’d already given me, books and bits from Mum. Shower stuff from Tim’s Mum – bless her! Seth bloody loved his remote control K-9. Dr Who was watched and scorned by the family as being boring. Kylie wasn’t bad though.

See it’s stressful. Mr B got the rough end of my tongue (not in a rude way) when he said me and my mother are so similar i.e. stressy and volatile. I have to agree, I still had a big sulk.

Now I am back and boy does it feel good to be home. Now all I have to panic about is sorting out New Years Eve… bugger!

Friday, December 21, 2007

On My Milky Way

So it’s done! My time at Milky is over. What a weird last day as well. Got in at a normal hour, sorry but I was buggered if I was doing anymore 7am starts, plus G left on Wednesday (another shocker for the Milky family) and we normally did our thing that early. Oh that sounds rude ha-ha. Hardly any of my team were in, I had to send one of them to get Stink Bats leaving present, and yes that’s right we are all off!

We then got an email saying we were finishing at 1pm! I was meant to have a leaving lunch then L was most saddened. I decided to scrap that in favour of getting pissed at the pub with everyone. So then end of the day everyone crowed around my desk to say goodbye. Muffintop gave a lovely speech. SS2 said something and so did the MD so it was all left very positively.

The pub was a different story. People I don’t like and who have never really liked me (such a Woolly) did all that ‘I will miss you so much’ bollocks, I stayed very quiet. Then the more pissed people got the more they wanted to know ‘why I was leaving’ and ‘I just am’ didn’t seem to do much to shut them up. By 7pm I had had enough. Shloe was crying her eyes out, Jono was pissed and gave a speech on a stool and me and Muffintop buggered off for a curry. Maybe I was being sensitive or maybe I was much sadder than I thought. I got a bloody Nintendo DS as a leaving gift though which was really nice, I was quite shocked!

So that’s the end of that era. 2008 is looming and I am in a strange position where really the world is my oyster. Mind you oysters make me ill!

Monday, December 17, 2007

I Can Tell The World...

Finally I can tell everyone why I’ve been so quiet and miserable sort of recently. After a fabulous 3 years at Milky I am leaving! Yes people were well and truly shocked. Spanners came straight over and gave me a huge hug, Muffintop and Shloe both got teary, and people seemed genuinely surprised, so my acting skills must be better than I thought.

It feels good to let everyone know, I have wanted to say something for a while but couldn’t and can’t say too much now. All I will say is as of the 21st I am jobless. Well I have Bent Magazine as you all know so really this is a very good chance for me to get on with my journalism work 100% without the day job getting in the way. Plus I am buggering off to Australia for the whole of February so I am taking January out and travelling until March. Then I will have had enough time to reflect and see what I want to do next. Oh and there’s also Panto which will take up 2 weeks of January so it’s working out quite well.

Speaking of travelling my secret weekend away was to Edinburgh! Lovely Spa Hotel and eating at the best restaurants all from Mr B as a treat as he knew I was a bit stressed and all over the place, it was lovely! So that’s my news really! I won’t be blogging much this week as I have masses to do before I leave Milky on Friday… eek! It’s a bit scary now!

Friday, December 14, 2007

The House of Secrets

It was our work (not Bent the other work) Christmas Party last night. I am not feeling hungover at all which is nice and was at work at 9am so I could leave at 2pm. Mr B surprised me this morning saying ‘be back by 5pm I am taking you away, you need to pack for the weekend and have your passport’. How exciting!

It was a ‘mystery’ what we were doing for the work event with lots of rumours going around I was personally praying for The Ivy. We shut up the office at 4.30 to get dolled up, I didn’t really doll up just wore a shirt and jeans which is a smart as I can get sometimes. We then had Champagne in the office until we were told to go outside at 6pm.

Outside was a private party Double Decker bus. We all got really excited and me and Spanners decide to sit at the front so we could see where we were going. This backfired when we were all asked to put blindfolds on. Oh before that one of the guys got of the bus for a wee and fell in the Thames how random is that, he was soaked to the chest and smelt… interesting! He later fell in a pond!

So we were blindfolded and me and Spanners were told off for groping each other, we didn’t realise the bus man was in front of us, the shame! We went around for ages making us all feel very sick and bursting for the toilet and then we stopped, in the middle of bloody nowhere. There was a random massive house, a council estate and a park. The house had a weird iron back entrance and we were all escorted through that into a weird garden. Firstly it snowed and then there was lots of smoke and eerie laughter and children singing in freaky voices. We made our way to the house via some random monsters popping out of the bushes and into what can only be described as a haunted old house. It was ODD!

The place was ‘The House of Secrets’ and is apparently quite well known. From 7pm to 10pm you get to nosey around and have magic tricks at your tables (the tabled area is like a cabaret) and have your future told. You go down and explore the haunted cellar which was so bad it was brilliant. I may have let out a little scream once. Then you have a magic show. I have to say it was awesome. Our MD got decapitated! After that it’s a disco until one. Sad so and so I am I left at 12.15 so I could get the tube home, but it was quite a good laugh, I just wasn’t quite in the mood. God I am a miserable git.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Panto Panto Panto!!!!

I have been back to Greenwich and the surrounding area quite a lot of late. Firstly there was a few weeks ago when me and Mr B just decided to go as I had a moment of upset and couldn’t do the London Dungeon. At the weekend I was in Greenwich to have a musical rehearsal at Greenwich College… the time where no one answered their phone and I was stuck outside for 45 minutes before buggering off home again.

This week I have been back in Charlton where I used to get very drunk with my lesbian friend Gill. We once were so drunk actually on New Years Eve that we missed our lift to work (at the Millennium Dome) and had to walk all the way before being sent home for being to ill to work and smelling of drink, whoops, those days are over… well during the week anyways. We had a musical rehearsal for the chorus and I now feel I am bonding more with people, its sad that the chorus seem to rehearse separate from everyone else, but I am not in charge so I should shut up. Tonight we were at Dawny Owl’s in Hackney and I was really late as the tubes closed and buses were a frigging nightmare. God bless London Transport.

The vocals are actually really good if I say so myself. I recorded them tonight after realising that my MP3 player can record live sound, I’ve only had the think a year! Tut! And I bought a bloody Dictaphone! Listening back it sounds quite good, I just need to learn the bloody dance routines again now!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Secret Bloggers

Did you watch that show tonight on Channel 4 about ‘Secret Sex Bloggers’? It was quite fascinating and quite strange. It was all about the women who put their sex lives on the net for the world to see, you know like Belle Du Jour. Speaking of her I am meant to be interviewing Billie Piper before Xmas as the DVD of ‘Diary of a Call Girl’ is out in January; naturally I have run out and bought her autobiography.

The main focus of the show was the woman who called herself Abby Lee or ‘Girl with a One Tracked Mind’. She started writing her blog whilst she was unemployed and wrote about her sexual fantasies, thoughts and encounters. Pretty soon she was getting thousands of hits per month and with that came a lot of press interest and a book deal. Then she was ‘outed’, I found that term slightly wrong but there we go, and her life was splashed in the papers and she went through a severe depression.

The Channel 4 show wasn’t as tastefully done as some can be with press people slagging certain bloggers off and there was a lot of naked woman typing on laptops with their norks out which I don’t imagine is what they do. I mean I think they are probably either sat in an internet café, or in their pyjamas at their computer, but then that isn’t so sexy is it?

Part of me felt sorry for ‘Abby Lee’ and part of me didn’t. I mean to have your life so rudely looked into isn’t really fair and no one has done that to Belle Du Jour have they? Part of me also feels that anonymity should be a persons right. I don’t hide who I am, but then I don’t blog about how many cocks I have had and what they did and how large or not they were. Maybe I should I might get more readers? However if you are saying something explicit like Abby Lee or something evil like Naff Naff Queen Queen did people are naturally going to start saying ‘who is this’ or ‘do I know this person’ or ‘oh my god I bet you its…’ So in that light if your putting yourself out there maybe you should expect that people will look for you. Am I right?

It did make me think, well why do people blog? I blog as I am crap at keeping a diary, I want to remember things I have done or been through and maybe someone out there will smile or laugh or simply comment. I am not doing it for a book deal, if I wanted that I would write a book (well I am but that’s not the point) it’s an outlet for me and a chance for people, should they wish, to get to know me better. So why do you blog? Maybe this could be a piece for Bent? Send your answers to my inbox!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Simon As A Geisha

Tonight was the launch of a new bar in Soho called Geisha. I was lucky enough to be invited and naturally was really early so stood outside with Muffintop in the freezing cold. I should have been late isn’t that deemed the most fashionable thing to do, I always get it wrong. Damn.

Geisha has been advertising itself as one of the hottest night spots – but they all say that – to join Soho (even if technically its more Leicester Square) and is actually where the Ku Bar used to be. They had Jodie Harsh in the line up to DJ and promised a night of cheap drinks, well free until 9pm, and celebrities. It was kind of like that.

We dolled up and were greeted by the lovely PR people who were nice. Then I bumped into Heidilicious who is always very friendly even if after meeting me several times she never remembers me ha-ha! We grabbed a free cocktail, mine was blue and looked pretty revolting but tasted gorgeous sadly I drank so many I cant remember what the bugger was called as I could do with another one now. Jodie Harsh arrived in a blaze of photos and got on with the DJ-ing. I have to say her set was brilliant with a wicked remix of ‘2 Hearts’ and ‘Gimme More’ playing.

Celeb wise? Nikki Graham was at the bar, she is soooooooo small and cute, she looked thoroughly bored, looked at me said ‘hello?’ I said ‘hello’ back and that was me done with. She then threw her drink over one of the guests accidentally which made me laugh. Michelle from the Apprentice came, scanned the area and left, enough said. Then I kept seeing people I sort of might have known.

Oh the bar itself… silly me. It’s very pink. It’s not very Japanese or Chinese. They have quite fabulous wallpaper. The bar is something to behold all neon pink lights and an amazing set of lights (I can’t quite describe them) above. The only downside is that the staircase is really wide and so the bar is really far forward so trying to get past people was a slight logistical nightmare as the queued at the bar. Oh and weirdly the toilets are in the Chinese Mall next door so you have to go out the bar upstairs and into the mall to have a wee, not actually in the mall obviously.

Highlight of the night – Really drunk vile sleazy man tried chatting me up at the bar. He then followed me upstairs with his friend and kept trying to talk to Muffintop she simply said ‘not interested, never’ isn’t she fabulous and a bit evil lol.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

It's Panto Time... Again

Had another rehearsal for Panto tonight and finally got to meet the rest of the cast who seem really nice. A lot of people seem to know each other through OUT Everywhere so a few times I felt a bit of a waif and stray but I think I’ll get there. I do find it weird though that with new people I go so quiet. If I am interviewing someone for Bent then you can’t shut me up and I am calm and confident. Shove me in a room with lots of new people and I clam up, it’s ridiculous. I need to get drunk with them all.

Nothing much else to report to be honest, a certain situation still hasn’t resolved itself but I am sure it will soon. Part of me feels sick at the thought of it another part of me just wants it all over and done with and a fresh new start in 2008. The ‘r’ word was mentioned, I had already gone from that second.

Monday, December 03, 2007


So the big day arrived, after a weekend of watching Torchwood from start to finish, I went to the Rex Cinema to see the first episode of Series Two. Or season two actually, since when did we get so American? It’s a good start it has to be said, and its going to BBC2 and the kids can watch an edited version. The man on man actions not being edited the violence is, and that’s the way it should be frankly! Was a lot of waiting around but the people at the Beeb were gorgeous and ever so friendly, you could tell by 4pm they wanted out!

Interviewed Russell T. Davies who was bloody lovely and gave me an awesome quote scathing Madonna, Eve Myles was awesome and I would happily take her on as a new fag hag anytime she should desire it. John Barrowman was nice but had just had a vile interview with some div who said he couldn’t act… leaving me a slightly wary and edgy interviewee, we had a laugh and I got all I wanted.

The Rex Cinema is really nice and they laid on a really nice breakfast, I shared eve’s lunch we were dipping as we gossiped, was great. Have realised that I couldn’t write a Torchwood as my theory for the end of the series is well off. I won’t give anything away. Oh but I think I am allowed to say that Rose is coming back! Yay! Check out next months Bent for my interview with Russell and then it all goes Torchwood mad for February’s edition and see’s the most Simon in a Bent issue yet! Hurrah!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Birthdays & Anniversarys

So today was quite a mammoth day as it was not only Mr B’s birthday it was also our one year anniversary, well we didn’t start dating a year ago but we’ll just go with it! So naturally we had to do something special and I was only too happy to leave work early (don’t ask) and so at 4.30 I scarpered, I have been in at 7.30 most mornings thank you!

I had booked a table for 6pm at The Oxo Tower which is one of my favourite restaurants if you ever want to take me out. Before that I had to go and buy the bloody presents and cards – the same will happen with Christmas believe me I will be crazily careering down Oxford on Saturday the 21st. Mr B is a bit selfish having a birthday on our anniversary, honestly two occasions how greedy. He’d already got me Spice Girl tickets.

I met him to find him looking smart, sexy and well turned out. Unlike his boyfriend who was dressed in ripped jeans, a funky shirt and my favourite leather jacket. I was aiming for funky and ‘posh restaurant then club my pants off’ with the amount of rained I looked like a poorly turned out drowned rat. The woman at reception almost frowned; I don’t think the Botox was letting her fortunately.

The food was amazing, the view is stunning and the staff are superb. It was a wonderful meal. They also wrote Happy Birthday in chocolate on his fig pudding, he still thinks I organised it, I didn’t.

Trash Palace was the venue for his party. He had his own sectioned area… he thinks he is a celebrity, no comment from me. It was nice actually though to have somewhere you could leave your handbag and go and have a boogie. However at the end of the night he was asleep in said area. Lots of his and our friends turned up. Some of whom I had to dive in the car of at Piccadilly (thanks PP & G) to direct them to a parking space in Soho, we found one miraculously, get the tube loves.

Danced a lot and had two arguments with Mr B. In Brazil on your birthday you buy everyone drinks, I did not know this, and so had a go at hiom for not letting anyone buy him drinks. Then we had a row as G said he was being sexual with his mates bloke and drunk I started off on one, whoops! Lovely evening though even if I did regret the McDonalds at 3am!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Gaydar Double Delights

No it’s not going to be the blog you so think it might be… I am not going all ‘Belle(nd) Du Jour’ for you all now, though I have thought about it frankly. I mean I might get more readers hahahahahaha.

Gaydar have had two fabulous nights this week and I have been lucky enough to attend them. In honour of World Aids Day on Saturday last night they threw a Champagne Reception with NAT (National Aids Trust) which involved a fabulous raffle, that I bitterly didn’t win, I would have loved to win another holiday, damn it!

I went alone which freaked me out frankly as I am not good around new people, I will not say hello to anyone in case they think I am a dick. No comments please, its something I am working on. Anyways I had a right old laugh. Everyone at NAT is ace, I met two mental sisters that were brilliant and Susann from Gaydar was fabulously friendly. It was a brilliant night and meant I knew quite a few faces for this evening. One fo whom was Gerry from the last Big Brother who told me all about his ear infection, not a conversation I thought I would have with him.

Tonight’s event was the launch of Lo-Profile the new Gaydar Club. Its ace! There’s an amazing infinity tunnel of stars and shapes all flashing dragging you inside, downstairs is all black glass and leather. It helped we were met by semi clad men holding champagne. I was feeling better by today thank you very much so necked the stuff back. Took Muffintop with me who got all the trannies especially Miss Kimberley telling her how fabulous she was. Gerry turned up and thought the same. Richard from previous BB didn’t however. Polly was so excited to see him and he sorta blanked her in his fabulous outfit the poor love, she was happy with Gerry though. I came out with a cracking middle aged line “oh tonight I might go crazy and stay out until 10.30” what in gods name is wrong with me?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Sickly First Impressions

Had a fabulous night out tonight with the ex-ex Talcum and his mate K. We did a major pub crawl, but not until after I had been out on behalf of Bent.

The event was the launch of the Take That (which hasn’t been authorised by them) Musical ‘Never Forget’. The event was nice sadly I was still ridiculously sick (so why I went for a big pub crawl after is beyond me, but hey I’m young-ish) I didn’t even smile for the fabulous Sally Lindsay who was there. I managed to polish of some canapés and some free champagne naturally and then felt about 100% worse.

The lads were on form (only four of them were there – Robbie was missing, how appropriate) and were very pleasant but I couldn’t really have a full on conversation for fear of being sick in their laps, have rearranged an interview for when the show opens in the New Year. Got a nice goodie bag out of tit though and am wearing my Never Forget necklace with pride.

So the evening went from there to G-A-Y Bar, Profile, Comptons, Village and my fav haunt Trash Palace then as it was charge to get in we went to CXR 79 god I had forgotten how much that place is… (insert your own word, am sure some of you will love it… I might).

Now I am at home after a good vomit. I am so classy!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sick As Sick

A hard week this week. I have to say I have really not enjoyed it. Not had anymore Bent stuff to do which I suppose was a high and then a low, I do have masses next week which is good. Haven’t really seen Mr B at all which is quite hard also. It’s a grumpy hello from me at 2am and a grumpy goodbye from him at 7am so its not really a relationship in its prime. Again I am sure it will be fine.

Saw my friend Married Man on Tuesday who hadn’t seen for an age. His name obviously isn’t married man but he is married and gay so I won’t out him on my Blog. It had been too long so it was good to grab a bite to eat and a coffee at St Paul’s, very scenic too.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were all just a bit grey and nothingness. Yesterday I was super duper hyped for my first BIG interview, its not coming out yet and I cant say who with sorry. Met my mate Mitch early Saturday morning and had a lovely full English in Soho before meeting Pol at our latest favourite venue Patisserie Valerie (we also can’t stop singing ‘Valerie’ like Amy Winehouse once inside) for a coffee and a cake, then met Cake and Matt on the embankment before going to The Clink Prison Museum. It’s so bad it’s almost good, I say almost. Cake tried beheading me which was nice. They had lunch and I started to feel funny. I thought it might be nerves, so went home had a nice long relaxing soak before going to do the interview.

On the tube I felt worse, not caused by the northern line for once, a hello and a few questions in and I had to run for the loo. Yes my first proper interview and I had food poisoning! Damn that full greasy English. I have no further comments.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Doing A Bank Job

‘Bank Job’ was my first little outing for my new Bent role this evening. My press pass had arrived at the weekend much to my glee, I might try and use it in Sainsbury’s, can you imagine? It’s the novelty which I am sure will wear off after a few months. I have only been hankering after this bad boy just over a year.

Vue Cinema in the West End was screening the new Jason Statham movie ‘Bank Job’ which is out in February next year. It wasn’t bad. I have to say the first 5 minutes of breasts didn’t exactly float my boat and the fact there was not one naked shot of Mr Statham himself was disappointing other than that it was great. Lots of twists and turns, a much more complicated story than you would instantly think. Yes its about a bank job, its also about a sexual scandal in the royal family and ‘bent’ coppers and MI5. So I would recommend it, if British thrillers are your thing, if not wait for the DVD.

So I have to review the film in January (I have had to write one already as I would forget) and then interview Mr Statham. This new job is such a burden!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Back Oop North

This morning I was running a Charity Shop, seriously no word of a lie, me running a charity shop in an old cold half refurbished mill… and I loved it. I was helping my Gran’s friend Mezza who is a volunteer at Cromford Mills in their charity card shop. They actually had some really nice bits and pieces in there including some brilliant ‘Traffic Jam’ cranberry, then lemon and orange, then lime, just like a traffic light. A few of you may be getting it this Christmas.

My Gran was supposed to be helping out however she was more standing gossiping to acquaintances and then moaning about how she is a widow to all in sundry. I am not being mean when I say that, she is grieving I understand however there are levels, my aunty is a psychologist and she is unsure of some of the ‘crying’ that takes place when a certain someone is not getting all the attention that she deserves. We will move swiftly on.

It was definitely weird going back for the first weekend and having no Bong there but we were kept so busy it wasn’t a sad weekend. Matlock is full of people I know so every time I went out I would get way laid with and old family friend or three. I came up Friday night with my Uncle who is now freelance, so we caught up on his business plans and put the world to rights.

Saturday my Gran had the doctors so we whizzed down to Matlock, she went off and I took in all the second hand shops (brilliant), Birds (one of the best cake shops ever), a walk along the river, a quick shop for Gran and then we met up again to go for a lovely coffee and tea cake at The Strand (Matlock’s most expensive, by London terms cheap, restaurant). I looked after my cousins for a few hours in the afternoon. Onto Chatsworth for their ‘seasonal kaleidoscope of festivity’, also known as their Christmas decorations, which were… interesting. Had a walk through the gardens, it rained, we went down in the coal tunnels, Gran got scared. Back to my aunt’s for dinner, X Factor, home, book, bed, sleep.

So this morning found me as I said dealing with customers and the most ancient till I have come across. Gran tried to charge someone £400 for a pack of Cancer Relief cards; I made a comment about it all being for charity but that may appear a bit like extreme money making. I really enjoyed the banter of all the old ladies who came in, see I truly should be a pensioner… I can see it now! Had lunch on the canal in the rain, popped into Scarthin Books which is one of the best independent book stores I have been too. Drove to the station in the snow, really, and now back in London, feeling almost rested.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's Panto Time

You may remember, or you may not, that I told you quite a while back that I was getting involved with the Out Everywhere Panto. Well tonight was my first rehearsal and despite being bloody nervous – I am not good with new people I never know what to say and that tends to come across as me being rude, I’m not I’m just a bit shy. I know shocking isn’t it?

I met the producer/Dame at the Kings Cross and my nerves eased off, my conversation skills were a bit lacking however once in the swing of getting lost down lots of streets to our destination it flowed nicely. There had been some drama’s the night before at rehearsals apparently which made me chortle. I mean come on a Panto Company made of gay men and lesbians, without berating my own, there are naturally going to be some dramas along the road. There had already been quite an issue on Out already which I gladly missed.

I saw my costume for the first time and its very panto and I am really chuffed with it! I was expecting something quite out there, which it is, but its got a simplicity I like, its very orange.

Tonight was my first rehearsal (though others had one before) and I was sure I was going to find the dance routine bloody hard work but I didn’t, I certainly didn’t get it first time I got the gist of it though and sure enough eventually knew it through, there is one jump I tend to forget. I’ll probably have forgotten the whole lot by the next rehearsal.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Getting More Bent

I am buzzing today as I have had a promotion at Bent… hoorah! After being the Agony Uncle for over a year I am now also going to be doing everything London based from interviews to reviews, to bar openings and big nights out. I simply cannot express how chuffed I am, Bong has been doing his work somewhere up there or wherever he is.

I have been nagging my editor for weeks and weeks about ‘what else can I do’, ‘is there anything else I could wing your way’ etc, etc. Now it seems to have paid off. Not sure what my first bits and bobs are going to be, I think it will all come to me in dribs and drabs, and then hopefully be a big gush of work.

I am also looking at extra stuff that I could write and get some more coverage on so any ideas please wing them my way. Right I am off to celebrate with a nice cup of tea!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Anders Panders

I finally caught up with Anders Panders tonight after quite some time which is shameful. I would bore you with all that we did (meal at Balans – delicious, then on a small pub crawl in Soho) instead as I am having a very nostalgic emotional week so far I am going to tell you why I love him so!

Panders is one of the most genuine, down to earth people I have ever met. He moved into a house I was sharing back in 2001 and from the off he was just lovely and we got on really well. In developed a bit of a crush (and was a bit of a bastard when he moved out as I was really sad) and a genuine true friendship was made – partly over a love of Kylie, all things Pop and Miss Congeniality. He introduced me to Tina Arena (hoorah) and Harry Connick Jnr (dubious) and told m I sung like Victoria Beckham, at the time I was flattered… I was a fan, now I am not so sure.

Since then he has introduced me to Kath & Kim before they were big here, Lucie Silvas and the diva that is Beverley Knight. I’m not quite sure what I have introduced him to other than copies of Kylie songs that she has never released! Panders, please help me out with this. We went through the emotional times of his relationship with ‘Cat flap’ and my relationship with the ‘Tantric TV God’ and the whole mad fag hag syndrome. Then we had the flashing and footsie phase – he once ran naked down Ranelagh Road in Plaistow much to my egging on and hilarity. I released his gullible side ‘Mexx is a shop for dyslexics as they all read the same things wrong’ which he believed and laughed hysterically at the ‘women always have milk in their boobs’ debate. We danced in the kitchen to Can’t Get You Out of My Head in our white dressing gowns for a summer, and became obsessed with Tina Arenas latest album

He moved out and introduced me (after my grump) to the delights, well sort of, of Chelmsford by taking me to Chicago’s which was a hoot and won us tickets to Kylie’s ‘Body Language’ concert. We’ve had a weekend in Hammersmith (dear lord) to see Kylie – can you spot a Kylie them – and sent me lots of fabulous CD’s when he worked for a record company. I’ve managed to get him into a few gigs, see some Pam Ann and made him come out on a New Years eve when he was going to ‘stay in’.

Tonight was no different, we laughed at each others various drama’s he got emotional, the wet lettuce, about my granddad. We discussed our love lives and got a bit drunk frankly. A pure Panders moment came up tonight which made me laugh for quite some time and shock horror involved Kylie. ‘2 Hearts’ came on… a man stood in the way of her beautiful image and Panders butchly shouts ‘MOVE!’ He’s a legend I just thought I would tell you all that.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Bit Of Upset & Onto Memories Past

I had a really lovely day today, after a really awful start. I was fine when I woke up, a little too much sleep had left me overtired but I was really looking forward to a day with Mr B at the London Dungeon. Got up got dressed got ready as normal seemed fine and got on the tube. Out of absolutely nowhere I had really strong thoughts about Bong and that was it, I was in floods between Elephant and Castle and London Bridge. I could see tourists and Londoners looking at me thinking ‘we know the northern line is bad, that bad though, surely not.’ Got off the tube went to London Dungeon and just simply could not go in, I was a bit of a wreck. I think the last few weeks just hit me all of a sudden.

Mr. B was awesome as ever. He simply guided his emotional time bomb of a boyfriend away from the crowds to the river took me on a long walk to tower bridge and past the tower, got me a Starbucks and just sat with me while it all poured out. After a while I was fine and the whole thing subsided, grief is a weird bugger.

The day was saved as we decided randomly to get a boat from the Tower to Greenwich. I hadn’t been there since the Millennium Dome days after seven years (a long time to not visit somewhere you loved and live near) its not really changed. We went to the park that used to be my lunch patch. Looked at where once had been ‘The Gloucester’ and I had a long reminisce. We pottered around the old vintage market where Mr B bought something I can only describe as the ‘most hideous coat I have ever seen’ it made him happy though. Then we went to the food and trinkets market where we ate shed loads, there was a delicious mozzarella thing which I so wish I could make, yummity yum.

Instead of getting the boat back we decided to take a really scenic dusk ride on the DLR to the dome (a very long way round) to catch a movie. I have to say looking at Canary Wharf and the docklands with all their lights (lets forget the greenhouse for a moment) was absolutely stunning. It didn’t feel like London at all.

The O2 looks great, I haven’t been to see anything inside yet, just the way its all laid out like a village is fantastic. It doesn’t resemble the madhouse that I used to work in 1999/2000 its very quiet which I am sure will change and just feels really new and well used, after the amount it bloody cost it was about time. The cinema looked great sadly the selection of movies not so, we just grabbed a Pizza Express and went home.

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Pre-30's Pensioners

If I have ever felt old then tonight is the night that I have felt my oldest. After a crumby week with my mouth I have finally started to feel better, believe me the relief of no longer resembling a mutant gerbil is something to celebrate. I cant celebrate anything at the moment however as due to the high level of antibiotics I am on I cannot drink. So tonight me and Polly did an alcohol free evening… there were still hysterics.

We did our usual wandering around book shops for a while gossiping about general rubbish, and then headed to Tuk Tuk our favourite Thai restaurant (cheap as chips) on Old Compton Street and I had a rather awesome curry noodle concoction. We then like a pair of OAP’s went to Patisserie Valerie where I had a Mocha Parfait and Pol had camomile tea and a delicious cake each and started talking like we were ninety five, it was like we were possessed. We were then debating what we were going to do with the rest of our evenings to which I replied ‘oh, I might have a nice cup of tea in the bath before a book at bedtime’. Oh dear – aged 25 and on a Friday night that’s my idea of fun. What has my life come to?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Absess Makes The Heart Grow Colder

After promising myself to start my blog in earnest I have sadly failed. The reason, I am sure you all want to know, is that I have had a massive abscess in my gob. Now I have issues with my wisdom teeth, if I ever whinge at you about that please remind me of this. I can honestly say that I haven’t experienced anything this level of painful. Mr. B looked at me on Wednesday and simply said ‘Oh baby’ and look horrified, I looked like a bloody hamster.

Today is day two of Abscess Agony. I have thankfully been to the NHS drop in dentist and have to say (I simply hate dentists) that it was a relatively painless visit. I am now on FOUR BLOODY antibiotics, I now rattle as I walk, no it’s the pills not the lose screws. It hasn’t stopped swelling but it’s nicely numb from something they did so I can speak again; I think some ‘unnamed’ people have enjoyed this bout of silence.

Silence was something that sadly, in my major night of agony last night, was lacking in the local area. Where was this noise coming from? Down-bloody-stairs! The other day Mr. B told me that a man with a pit bull was going downstairs into the flat. I had a few moments of rejoicing that the other buggers had gone, and then the concern regarding the pit bull hit me. Sorry I just don’t like those sorts of dogs, I am a cat person anyway. It then started to get noisier downstairs over the next week. Now after being recently bereaved sleep has not been my major forte of late. These buggers talk (so loudly) until one, two or three a.m. Can’t bear it!

I got a lovely message/note under the door the other night, it was from the new ‘house sitters’ downstairs (double bugger) about their little Halloween Party they were going to have. It would only be until 1am or 2am, they understood that I might be at work and was welcome to come ‘in strictly fancy dress’. Well at 6am after a fight some smashed glass several of the neighbours banging on my bloody wall and a crazed dog running around Mr. B decided to phone the police… that did the trick. Sadly I now feel funking knackered and when you’re sick you feel whacked out enough. Least there was a bit of drama, everyone knows how I love that.

So now I am back from the dentists, contemplating the joys of going in the office tomorrow. I had a chat with Gran tonight (she is doing so bloody well) and we’ve just discussed dentists and how it must be a really horrid job working when you know none of your clients actually want to come and see you. That put things into perspective a bit, or it would if dentists didn’t cost the sodding earth and rake in money from others pain… no I don’t feel sorry for them any longer!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

What I Want To Say About Bongy

As some of you will know 'Bongy' died a few weeks ago and it has broken my heart in more ways than I can say. So I will say it by putting on here the speech I gave at his funeral a few weeks ago...

Bongy sounds like something out of a Harry Potter or Lord of the Ringsand I think thats apt as he was a magical being unlike any other. I amso lucky to have had a Bongy in my life, not many people have had thepleasure that I have for the last 25 years. Bongy was a one off, therewill never be another Bongy.

I have so many memories of him that it seems hard to put them down onpaper, or know where to begin. Bongy always had time for me, he wasalways there even during my truly terrible teens he could see thepotential in me and the best in me. He believed in me. Nathan put itwell the other day when he said 'Bongy was always interested in whatyou had to say no matter what'.

Bongy was a big influence in my childhood when I was in Newcastle hewould write me books about the good witch Esmerelda, her giant catMarmalade and the adventures that I had with them, most of whichreflected the times we shared together. Having looked at them recentlyI dont know how he illustrated, designed, wrote and even thought themup whilst doing everything else in his life, let alone have the timeto think them up. That was another thing all his children benefittedfrom as Miriam said 'he made up stories, lots and lots of stories.'

Another favourite memory of mine that I think shows Bong as he was,was my practical pet Rapunzel the duck. A pet that would keep meentertained and also provide food for the family (there were also ninehens but they were evil). What Bong didnt expect was a bird whothought it was human and should live in the house or the time I ranher over... she survived.

His grandchildren meant the world to him and keeping us all happy andbeing as Florence said 'daft as a brush' was one of his priorities.Making up characters he would play and chasing you round the housescreaming with glee, making up games like 'naughty nice or nonsense ornot at all' in bed - which he called 'the nest' and all his still having adventures only months ago when I came to visit and we climbed Matlock hill with my luggage in tow in 5 inch deep snow, it was all made into fun and a laugh, even though I was having a phenomenal sulk.

I dont think Bong ever thought he would have so many grandchildren he has ten including step grandchildren and what I think is so special is that he loved us all equally Emily said 'he made us feel so welcome we forgot we werent blood related, he was a truly magical man and put the magic into our childhood.' And shes right.

I will miss Bongy more than I can say, I am lucky as we all are to have had such a wonderful man in my life. From stories in bed to skiing in Bulgaria 9a holiday I didnt want to go on, but on it I went), from telling me 'there will always be a special part of my heart just for you' to rollercoasters in Florida which he was more excited about than me, he made my childhood the fun and special time that it was. So from me, Miriam, Seth, Florence, Beth, Alfie, Emma, Amy, Emily, Nathan and any grandchildren still to come, as we will never let Bongy be forgotten, I want to say thank you Bongy, thank you for being you, and helping make us who we are today.
Normal blogging will soon resume, I've just needed some time out!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Who Dunnit?

September 14th 2007

Random day today not much has actually happened and yet lots of stuff seems to have happened which is a bit bizarre. Mr B woke me up this morning panicking about the interview he had today. I am highly dubious on the whole thing as I think anyone who asks you to work a few hours free as ‘training’ is so not reputable, unless its an internship. Long story short he was offered it and has turned it down, he was unimpressed.

Who Dunnit 1: I had a furious phone call with the manager of the post sorting office. They have lost a parcel which Mitch sent me back on the 3rd. No one can find it, apparently it contained chocolate kittens and a book called ‘Simon’s Lady’ Mitch is most concerned how she can get another copy of the book, I am concerned on missing out on chocolate kittens. We are aligned on the fact that we think that some bugger has eaten it all and is now reading ‘Simon’s Lady’ in bed with a hot cocoa. The bugger, the question is who? I can claim a loss, so I bloody well will.

I need to buy some new shirts, have decided when I am back at work I am so gonna change. No more Simon Soft Touch, no more ‘Simon Says Yes’ so I need a better look, watch out peoples. Speaking of work…

Who Dunnit 2: Muffintop and G came round this afternoon for visiting, it was lovely. Well bar when G said ‘can you imagine if you had never even had an operation?’ I didn’t find it funny, but they didn’t either when I showed them a picture of my wound, ha! We were having some lovely shallow conversations about allsorts of rubbish when the whole ‘Madeline’ thing came up. I have, you may have noticed, been very quiet on the whole of this. I have two theories either ‘the mum dunnit’ or she’s being stitched up. Yes is called sitting on the fence. We had quite a heavy discussion on it which then turned to gun crime, suicide bombers and then a debate on The Bible and religion in general. Who says two gays and girls can’t discuss hard hitting issues?

I tried a Toblerone Fruit & Nut today, its quite nice surprisingly; I thought it might be too much of a thing.

I went to the internet café after everyone left (its fine to go out a bit, can you imagine me with no fresh air or space from the flat, erm no thanks) and got a text off Boone saying ‘Loving the grey hoody’ he had driven past me on an escape mission from London, would have been nice to see him, random that though isn’t it?

Who Dunnit 3: Have finished Susan Hill’s ‘The Various Haunts of Men’ enjoyed it so much more than the first time. Actually, I don’t think it was not liking it that made me not finish it, I just didn’t finish it. I will do a small review for you below (and no I don’t have to say nice things just because I am on her course, I will be honest, she most certainly is) next is some homework. Yes I will be getting into bed with Graham Greene tonight the lucky swine. Am going to read ‘The End Of The Affair’ as a first try of his works, I am hoping its as good as Susan and my Gran have been saying. Muffintop is getting in on the act taking it to Sri Lanka with her!

Oh Gran sent me a cutting on GG from the Guardian this week, I love it. She gives away the ends of books and also sends me cuttings when I am only supposed to base my thoughts on his work not him (as I told her) she does it from love though and that’s very sweet. Bong is having another three blood transfusions today, I am debating when I should next see him, I have been told sooner rather than later.
The neighbour downstairs has got a kitten, its really bloody cute as I found when I saw it running over my roof terrace, then the neighbour ran across the terrace too, not so cute… the trespassing bastard! Ha, ha!

Friday, September 14, 2007

The New Desperate Housewife...

September 13th 2007

...Should frankly be me because I would be brilliant, I could be the one who goes to new levels of boredom and routine and goes crazy. Yes, the lack of sleep (awake at 3am, 4.30am, 5am and 6.30-8.30am) is finally driving me to distraction. It’s the nightmares that are causing me problems, I seem to get off to sleep and then I have these really vivid bad dreams, maybe it’s the penicillin? (I was put on some more yesterday in case these stitches that wouldn’t dissolve caused any issues.) It could also be that with Bong being ill, being over tired and waiting for the results has made my head a bit full and its just trying to find its way out.

Anyways it’s turning me crazy. That plus the fact that the plumber has been meant to be coming to sort the leak from upstairs, and fit my new showers for the last two weeks. I was promised he would show up today by both him and the landlord and shock horror he didn’t. He better be worth it when he does and be a complete hottie who sweats a lot has a skin head and likes to plumb topless ha! Now that would be a story from Desperate Housewives.

As would my mental morning, I woke up from 6.30 for two hours and read, I am enjoying this Susan Hill lots more second time round and have gotten well past the 80th page this time. I then slept again until about half ten. I then woke up and debated which pair of pyjama bottoms to wear for 25 minutes, I only own three pairs. Next up in my loopy few hours was making coffee and tea together and it’s not very nice, especially with salt not sugar, I kid you not. I then decided to do a wash and put the washing powder in the microwave, yes dear readers I have lots the plot! I decided that going back to reading my book was the safest thing for everyone, so I shut myself in the book and avoided the world. Oh apart from when I phoned the plumber who had apparently been round (he f-ing hadn’t) so I phoned and moaned at the landlord.

G phoned to check in on some stuff with me, we had a nice chat. Best thing was I got a text from Campbell (we haven’t seen each other for 3.5 years) he has been in London the whole summer and thought he offended me in a prior email, I told him I would have said if he had, believe me I would. Anyway he ended up coming round tonight and it was so not weird! We sat and chatted and caught up and just hung out… with cups of tea! Yes Desperate Middle Aged Housewives. He’s sadly given up both the music (he sung and wrote – I have his CD) and the writing which he reckons he wasn’t good enough at, it is quite sad I think. He seems really happy though, he doesn’t love Birmingham, with his house in the UK and house in Dallas, jammy sod.

Oh I received a lovely parcel from Big Sis, it was a copy of Lance Armstrong’s book ‘Not About The Bike’ which is all about his journey with cancer and his survival, she sent it me as it’s a positive story, something to help me with what’s going on, if that’s what it is! Enough of that though, don’t want to be miserable.

So that’s that really, right I am off to finish ‘The Various Haunts of Men’ with a nice cup of tea and some sleeping tablets, yes I could be my own show today!
September 12th 2007

I have watched another two films one I was really disappointed with and the other I was really impressed with. (Yes it was Wednesday which meant that the DVD shop does everything under half price.)

I had been told by several people that I should see The History Boys by Alan Bennett. I think he is a highly talented writer but sadly I really didn’t like the movie. I was bored really (I actually fell asleep after the incident with the lollipop lady) I didn’t give a monkeys if the boys ended up in Oxford, Cambridge or on the dole. I thought it was trying to hard to make a point and trying far too hard to make a point when actually I found it alienating. So that’s my views on that one.

The other film I hired purely for the possible car crash movie it could be was ‘Factory Girl’. I have heard of Edie Sedgwick and was interested to learn more about her, I also wanted to see if Sienna Miller is any good. She bloody is, I now don’t give a toss what people say (yes I do think the over hyped Sienna we hear of is way too much) she can really act. Well, in this she could at any rate. I have to say having watched some interviews with the real Edie she was pretty much spot on. I didn’t find her effected I found her engaging. The story is the rise and dramatic fall of Edie S. I didn’t know she was from ‘old money’ or about her horrific childhood, it documents her tragic life superbly! I highly recommend this movie, and Guy Pierce as brilliant as the bitchy warped Andy Warhol. It has changed my opinion of Sienna completely.

Like Pulling Teeth

September 12th 2007

I hate the dentist and I am starting to feel that way about the hospital now. I had to go to St Helier to get some of my disposable stitches out. Did they not dispose? No they bloody didn’t and they were getting tighter and tighter and making me bleed, and frankly I didn’t want another infection, so they had to come out.

I have described it on this blog before I think but I will do it again, it is like someone pulling out your hairs (and as fun as having teeth pulled) only really, really slowly and with as much evil intent as possible, ok maybe that’s a slight dramatisation. There weren’t even any attractive nurses to make the horror more bearable. Oh I am glad to hear everyone on my team has started using my ‘I Can’t Bare It’! Someone else probably said it first but I have a special way!

I then went on a mission to find out what the hell was happening with my biopsy results, seriously I have not heard a dickey bird on them. Guess why… it wouldn’t be the fault of my lame ass doctors would it? Not the ones who don’t even have a Practise Manager? Yes, it so could. As like someone else they have meant to been corresponding with they haven’t been liaising with me or the hospital. I have to go back to the original hospital that referred me (as my doctors couldn’t – shock and horror there) and I have an appointment on Monday first thing so you will be hearing more from me then.

Bong isn’t doing too well by the sounds of it; he is really low with another three blood transfusions needed. I am shattered after my exertions today. Oh, I haven’t started a Graham Greene yet, have started a Susan Hill though. It’s ‘The Various Haunts of Men’ and I read about 80 pages before and stopped, I can’t remember why? I’ll let you know if it comes back to me.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Visitors & Graham Greene

September 11th 2007

I have had two lovely visitors today. First to arrive was The Ex, he came with gifts they were orange juice, cat litter and some bog roll. Not the most exciting of gifts if you aren’t me, I had however asked for these and so I was thrilled. We sat and had some coffee and planned what we are going to do for the anniversary of Thisbie’s (Hoydens sister) death next week. I am also debating how well I will be next week and see if I can have the final days of my recuperation up north with Bong. Gran didn’t seem too impressed with the idea.

Muffintop came round last night for a highly unhealthy meal. We gorged ourselves on dough balls, chicken and pesto pizza and cheesecake. We put the world to rights over some fizzy elderflower (I can’t drink, bless penicillin) discussing Anita Roddick’s death, the Madeline case, the anniversary of 9/11 and what on earth Jodie Marsh was wearing at her wedding. I needed to put something light hearted at the end of all that. We also had some lovely chocolates to eat but couldn’t manage them, shame I will have to polish them off myself. Actually I might keep them for her return on Friday with G. They both love some gorgeous chocolates.

Finished Queen Camilla, I really like Sue Townsend so I don’t want to slag it off but I really didn’t like the final six chapters, it all felt too hurried and also didn’t really follow the message she was conveying from the start. I loved ‘The Queen & I’ and this is technically a sequel, the idea of the royal family being escorted to a council estate after being abolished is brilliant. Also the dogs which were funny at the beginning became really too far fetched at the end and my bubble of belief was lost. I am sending a copy to my Gran to hopefully cheer her up; also she looks the spitting image of Camilla, ha.

Next to read will be some Graham Greene. I am going to shockingly admit I have never read any of his work. What with that and not knowing what ‘succinctly’ meant maybe proves I am not literate enough to do this course? I had a copy of Brighton Rock I don’t know where it has gone. It wouldn’t matter, its not one of the ones Susan has asked us to read. Yes it’s another mission. We have to read one or more of his works she has requested us try ‘The Heart of The Matter’, ‘A Burnt Out Case’, ‘The Quiet American’ or ‘The End of the Affair’.

Mr B managed to get me the latter two in a second hand shop. I was quite impressed, if I ask him o get me something it’s usually a little bit wrong in some way. He’s so sweet though he did that and got all the food for me and Muffintop, gorgeous. The only thing about Graham Greene is I really wanted to read Julie Walters book next. Oh the decisions. I have also been trying to think of ways of getting to know people on the course as we haven’t met face to face as yet and wont be for a while I don’t think. Any suggestions welcome.

“Grip It Harder Joyce, It’s Not a Strippers Cock”

September 10th 2007

I have found a new joy in my life. It’s called Suburban Shootout and has completely thrown my read a book a day scheme, as Mr B went and got me the whole of series one on DVD.

It all started last week when I was bored on Thursday night and decided to give the first of the second series of Suburban Shootout a go, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. The idea (and one I so wish I had thought of) is based around Tupperware and Guns. No, really. It is all based in a fiction idyllic town called Little Stempington, there is no crime, no graffiti and no council houses. The reason? There are two mafia gangs who happen to be seven of the local housewives who rule the town with fear, one is good only doing it for the good of the area, the other is bad, they supply drugs, gigolo’s etc to other housewives for ridiculous prices, don’t buy and you die. It’s very, very, very funny. The sort of humour people who loved Green Wing will like. The title of my blog is my favourite line in episode one.

I am genuinely in awe of the writers; it’s a very original idea turning the heads on stereotypes. Its not like Desperate Housewives in any way sadly they are naturally comparing it to that though.

Other than that and listening to KT Tunstall’s new effort I have not a lot to add. I haven’t managed to finish Queen Camilla yet, it’s really making me laugh. Not too sure where it is going with all the talking dogs and I cant decide if I like that side of it or not, one bit with the dogs did make me laugh for about 10 minutes (ouch on my remaining stitches) so the jury is still out! No news on Bong he seems to be up and down really.

I Was So Bored Today I Did This...

September 7th 2007
Thats right I shaved it all off, well it kept me entertained for a while!

Bored Of Being Bored

September 6th 2007

Oh my god for some reason today I have been totally bored. It had been wavering on the sidelines of boredom in my brain; I thought I had managed to keep it at bay. Sadly today I went a bit crazy. I haven’t been sleeping (nightmares and pain) and I think it all hit me. I know you are all probably thinking ‘what about day time TV, what about all those books you have to read’ there is only so much of both that I can take. I tried to get into 24 again and its half worked, actually that’s I lie, I half watched one and then switched it off. Least I can have long baths eh – and get bloody bored in them too. The depressed feeling has been wafting in and out a little also. I am trying to keep that at bay as much as possible.

I did watch three fabulous films though yesterday (my video shop is half price on Wednesdays and is invariably the only day I use it) the first was ‘The Painted Veil’ I had no desire to see this at the cinema or get it on DVD, Mr B hired these babies so I just got what I was given. It’s brilliant and has made me want to read the book, it tells of a doctor (Edward Norton) who marries a woman (Naomi Watts) who doesn’t really love him and cheats on him when they move to China. As punishment he takes them both to where the outbreak of cholera is and they deal with the consequences, it’s moving heartbreaking and superbly acted. Loved it! *****

‘Babel’ was really weird and I only half heartedly watched it. It all makes perfect sense at the end but through most of it you are very confused as to what a woman shot in the desert, a deaf Chinese girl who doesn’t wear any knickers and some Hispanic people on the run with some children all have to do with each other. Cate Blanchett was superb as ever, Brad Pitt looked hot!

‘Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus’ was brilliant. It was a tale of the photographer Diane Arbus and how she came to take pictures. Nicole Kidman played Diane and was superb; I rate Nicole Kidman quite highly as an actress. Robert Downey Junior played her mysterious neighbour who changes her life forever and is covered head to toe in Fur, another very moving and much overlooked movie. Loved it also. All are worth watching.

I did finish the House of Riverton yesterday. I am not sure what I think at all. Because of the delightful Richard & Judy it has sold absolute bucket loads and I am not sure it’s the masterpiece it claims to be. To me it was Atonement with The Thirteenth Tale and some Daphne Du Maurier thrown in for good measure. She also likes to throw in some of her in depth outlooks on life ‘time is a ticking clock’ and ‘people who see fortune tellers are unhappy in their present’. I liked it, I wasn’t astounded by it.

I have started ‘Our Betty’ this morning it’s the autobiography/memoirs of Liz Smith the wonderful actor who played Mrs Cropley in The Vicar of Dibley and also ‘Nan’ in The Royle Family. Its very sweet simple and funny, I will have probably finished it by the end of the day. In fact maybe to get through the boredom I should try and read a book a day? I’ll let you know how I get on.

Michelle & Simon’s Children’s Guide to Feminism & World War II

September 5th 2007

Not really the catchiest title to a book I think you will agree it could however be the title for Mitch and my joint venture for our children’s book the project called ‘COPL’. The reason (I don’t want to give too much away about the book yet) is because of some background we have been doing for the project.

Back in July Mitch and I set ourselves the latest goals for the book. These were to write a few scenes, do character biog's and work out what a certain character was… by that I mean what creature a certain character is. It may sound weird that we are going off and doing this separately but we have come up with some great stuff that the other will just give that extra something! A match made in heaven really, one of the newest characters I will divulge, is Siamese Twins… that’s all I am saying for now.

So how does feminism and WWII get into a kids book, well it’s another new character biog that created a whole new twist. We now have a possible a story before the story, though as yet thankfully not fleshy enough to be a prequel, you never know. The character having lived through WWII became actually being an even older person (old people fascinate me – I mean that in such a positive way) who has survived WWI also and is actually a lot older and full of many more secrets than would appear. Mitch then went into an epic chat that they could therefore been through the woman’s suffering etc and I said ‘hang on, this isn’t the children’s guide to feminism, or war’ we laughed for ages. Our next update is on the 18th so I’ll aim for you to have another bit of COPL update then.

I was meant to be back at work today, I’m obviously not. I am actually really missing it but also cacking myself about going back.

Had a wonderfully long chat with Big Sis sometimes you know exactly why you need siblings and what’s so good about them. She is going through a cancer scare at the moment also (cancer, cancer everywhere) and we chatted for a good few hours (she had a wee break… on the phone) she has finally started a blog (hoorah) you can see it at check it out she’s fabulous, but I would say that! Her blog is going to be about what she is going through (she’ll probably be better than me) and other stuff. Blog’s are great; we discussed that fact for twenty minutes, the diaries of the future.

My Writing Is On Course

September 4th 2007

The creative writing course I am on started today. I may have mentioned it to you all before, I am now on the author Susan Hill’s course. It started officially today. Before I get any comments of ‘you’re ill you shouldn’t be doing any courses, you’re not at work so you shouldn’t be going to a lecture’, currently I don’t have to leave my flat to do my work. We receive a notification of all work in our inbox’s and then have a deadline to email our work back. I have the feeling that my first project might be a little late, I can send a sick note maybe? I am ill after all.

First mission is to go through books we haven’t read (a lot of books) and read no more than the first paragraph and find six books we are desperate to read and three we are desperate not to, we need to write who its by what it is and why we want to read/don’t want to read it.

Oh and no, I don’t have to even go to the library, as those of you who have been to mine will know I have about 200+ books I haven’t read yet. On that note I shall say farewell as I have some research to do.


September 3rd 2007

Has anyone started watching that new channel 4 show ‘Dumped’? It has been a bit gripping. Could not believe one of the contestants would wear a new pair of pants everyday and then throw them away, just ridiculous.

The premise for the show is that 10 volunteers are on an ‘eco mission’ most of them assumed it would be in Australia or the Amazon or something like that. They were then literally dumped on a Rubbish Dump somewhere near Croyden. On the first night they had a shelter but tonight’s saw them having to build there own and one has already left.

It reminded me of when I worked for Onyx total waste. It was a company in Hilsea in Hampshire (back in my Portsmouth days) I temped there and then ended up with a permanent job. Part of the training was to get sent out with the lads who dealt with all the skips and also the ones who deal with the local household waste. The latter was by far the worst. Skip sites are less in your face they leave a full skip for someone else to deal with and then get an empty one to deposit somewhere else. The worst of all the skips were the ones from the cruise ships, boy did they stink. However my second day of training held much worse in store.

I was up at bout 4am to be picked up at 5am. Not nice when you’re a bit of a surely 18 year old. I then had to don the ridiculously unflattering attire they wear all steel toe caps and fluorescents. Collecting the rubbish is easy but the amount people create over a week on one road does actually shock you (and this was 7 years ago) when you get to the tip it’s another thing all together. The smell is horrific, and the volume of waste is just astounding. Also what people through away, I love random rubbish so I could have spent months finding treasures (or the odd snake as they have on Dumped, some of the guys at Onyx used to find cat and dog bodies in the waste) on there as there are some good things people chuck. Now some of you will understand why I am such a recycling bore. Onyx planned to build three pyramids of waste that would be covered and turned into an attraction with Hampshire Council sadly this has never seen the light of day.

What I have loved about Dumped is the fact they show you the good stuff people do chuck, also the amount that could be recycled. Plastic bottles will degrade after around 60 years tin cans wont for hundreds and hundreds of years and that’s only if they come in contact with water and start to rust, also both these things can be recycled. Mr B thinks I am some kind of recycling Hitler, I even recycle receipts and price tags from clothes I have bought, I just think if you can recycle it bloody do it. They have found some treats on that programme and started to build a proper kitchen and house, its amazing. I hope they all last the three weeks, I wish I had known it was happening I would have volunteered.
Please watched Dumped, it will show you what our world waste is doing to just a small part of the country.

Hello, It's Hoyden

September 1st 2007
Hello let me introduce myself; I am Hoyden Simon’s cat. I am a girl moggy who spends most of the day sleeping blissfully and looking cute and then spends the night time waking Simon and Mr B (I like him now, he feeds me, I used to wee on his clothes and bite his nose in the night) up with continuous demands of food, milk or attention. I do have my own myspace but in his drugged state he has left his laptop open and on all night and so I thought I would write a more true account of what Simon has been like since his operation.

He came home acting very strange and got straight into bed and slept a lot, this is unacceptable behaviour as during the day the bed is quite obviously mine! I let this go as frankly he smelt funny, a bit like bleach and toilet cleaner he had obviously been somewhere very strange. He was demanding full English and tea within 2 hours so I was pretty sure that he was going to get over this strange phase.

He’s since been acting a bit oddly with demands of cuddles from me and then being very cross when I wake him up or walk all over him. He also picks up his books and then puts them down again in the space of 5 minutes with his hand on his head looking vexed, normally his nose is never out of a bloody book. His bossy nature hasn’t stopped, he forced Mr B out to buy shelves and wardrobe and other bits he’s been meaning to buy for months, cheeky bugger. I am quite pleased as I’ve learnt to climb the wardrobe and can sit happily at the top, I like being at the highest point, I know everything that’s going on.

Visitors have been popping in which is nice. No ones brought me any bloody treats though which is so unfair, I am so much cuter than Simon, he just sits in his bed boring everyone with his woes. Tut. Oh he’s woken up again so I must dash, his sleeping pattern has gotten worse than mine, and he doesn’t seem to sleep during the day or during the night, what an oddball. Oh he didn’t wake up he was just having bad dreams, another common occurrence, maybe I should go and wake him, I mean I haven’t been fed for at least 40 minutes.

Some Light Relief

August 31st 2007

I didn’t have anything to say yesterday. I spent the whole day trying to finish The Secret History. The good news is I did and I really enjoyed it, I might start doing again and reviewing books and the like, frankly I have been reading this one for so long that I think I need a little space from it. I started the next book group choice today, another long one (oo-er missus) ‘The House At Riverton, have only read the first two chapters but it seems quite good even if a little too Atonement, and that was the last book group choice by moi!

Had some visitors today, hoorah, Muffintop and G came round with gifts from everyone at work which was so nice of them all. I had a bouquet of gorgeous pink (how appropriate) flowers and a lovely pink pot plant. Danny Shite and his wife had bought me a beautiful pink orchid. It’s absolutely gorgeous. There were also lots and lots of chocolate from Thornton’s. I am now thinking that this should be a prerequisite for all visitors who are coming around any time in the future. So if you are planning to then these are the conditions. I am actually missing work a bit, I am trying to appreciate all the time I am having to recuperate though. I haven’t started to feel bored… yet.

I am feeling pain. It’s high. Going to the toilet is excruciating and that’s really not an exaggeration. I am also on the grumpiest of mood swings I think even I have ever endured! I cant help it I just keep snapping, bed rest is also my least favourite thing, I want to be off wandering around the shops. As G reminded me today, how embarrassing would it be if my stitches ripped open in public?

I Survived!

August 29th 2007

I am sat in bed feeling incredibly grumpy and like someone has kicked me in a delicate place over and over and over again. The good news is I have had the operation, I almost chickened out. I could see G’s face for a brief second and remembered that she had threatened to do the operation herself with a paperclip if I didn’t get it done and that helped me change my mind. The whole day did once again prove how inept my doctors are.

I arrived early at 8am shaking like a leaf (general anaesthetics freak me out) and Mr B was being really sweet. He came up to the waiting area with me and then went home again and from mine to surrey is quite a trek. I then went and spoke to the nurse and said how originally I had been offered both general and local anaesthetic and wanted to change to the latter, she said someone would see me; I was first on the list and not to worry. I may also have had a small weep about my granddad and needing to go home as soon as possible. I was then sent to wait. It seemed to be a lifetime.

We were all taken through to a ward with our own beds; I was the youngest there by about twenty years. Everyone was there to have something done downstairs and were all a little too eager to share their stories. Who says men are scared to talk about their privates, it was all men together, very weird. The anaesthetist then came and saw me and said if the surgeon said local was ok he would do it, the surgeon came and said he wasn’t. The minute I had to think about it went forever but I thought sod it and said lets do it, I wasn’t waiting any longer this has taken months.

We had to undress and put on those flattering NHS robes. I sat in a very gentlemanly fashion making sure everything was not hanging out, why I bothered I don’t know as everyone else was letting everything hang free something I will try never to recall the image of ever again. Some other bugger got taken in first, I was meant to be first. Time ticked by, I tried to read more of Donna Tart’s ‘The Secret History’ a book I’ve been trying to read for three weeks to read. I know it’s a big old book but three weeks, that’s atrocious. I was interrupted by ‘Mr Savidge they are ready for you’. I got into the bed and was wheeled to my destiny; ha I love how dramatic I made that sound.

I was wheeled through most of the hospital and then into the ‘pre-op’ room. In my past experience this is the room where they knock you out, not this day. Firstly they said that they weren’t as ready as they said. I could see this was true as through the slated windows on the door in front of me I could see the surgeon and anaesthetist doing the previous person. I had to wait for thirty minutes.

Once in the operating theatre I could nicely see all the delightful implements they were going to be using on me. I was introduced to people I had no idea who they were or what they did but they all seemed friendly. The anaesthetist then came and spoke to me, asking me to check out the view from the window to my left, we were six stories up and it was good, it was also sneaky as they put the drip and pre-anaesthetic drug in while they did that. I could suddenly taste spearmint in the back of my throat and then felt very drunk. I remember them saying that I was going to have the general injected, and then a nurse told me that it had all gone well and I was wheeled back to my ward. Then the pain hit. Ouch! I started crying and demanding they phone my Gran and shouting the number out, they did call her you know, they were great.An hour later I was all packed (how I had a jockstrap on I do not know) and we waited for Mr B. We waited, and waited and waited. Another hour later he showed, he had been sat in the main reception waiting for me, I was strangely unimpressed. A nurse came to the toilet with me for what was the most painful wee I have ever been for in my life. Gravity and that specially placed wound don’t mix. It’s actually at the moment the worst thing about the whole experience. Ok, tired now must sleep, and finish this bloody book!

How To Make A Simon Feel Better...

August 27th 2007

I think I am a bit of a spoilt brat; I woke up this morning wanting a flat screen TV, so I went and got one. No it’s not quite like that. I actually woke up a bit of an emotional wreck, Mr B is so lucky, feeling overwhelmed by the operation and upset because of my granddad. My next thought was ‘oh shit, I really need to see when I have to stop eating and what I might actually need for tomorrow.

Good news, I could eat until midnight… binge time. Bad news, I don’t own a dressing gown or slippers! So I HAD to go shopping. Primark let me down they had no dressing gowns (they did have some slippers and some lovely t-shirts), M&S was stupidly expensive, so I headed to the shopping centre near Colliers Wood. Next didn’t have dressing gowns, it also didn’t have the bag I wanted in the window which the assistant went and looked at, shrugged and went to lunch. TK Maxx also let me down. Sainsbury’s brought me a right treat… and a surprise.

I was happily walking through men’s clothes when I heard ‘Simon?’ It was Vicky who I used to work with at the Apollo Vic. When she started she was a gothic lesbian from heaven, she then slept with my straight mate Bell and is now blonde, a mum and getting married to a man. Crazy world hey? I wasn’t that shocked as The Ex always keeps me informed of ex staff from the Apollo who work for him at his theatre, a lot of them end up there believe me. I hope I am well enough for Thriller when it goes there. So we had a catch up and it was really nice, she asked about Bell, I said hadn’t seen her in years but that she was now a fully fledged lesbian and had her own show at some theatres in town… now you know who the friend is, if you are an avid reader that is!
Mr B announced he was starving as we passed Argos, its deadly that place. I simply went in to see if they had a new mini mp3 player I wanted and after a delicious Pizza Hut went back and came out with a flat screen TV. I think its justified, I need a good TV for the two weeks I will be recovering. I am shitting my pants about tomorrow.

Up & Down (The Country & Emotionally)

August 26th 2007

I haven’t written for a while as I haven’t been in London and I simply haven’t had the energy. After the shocking news on Wednesday I did a days work on the Thursday and then asked for some leave to go back up north on Friday.

I booked the journey to Chesterfield, Bong has been moved to Sheffield, I couldn’t be arsed to get the extra stop added to my mounting train bills and no one checked my tickets so it was fine. I felt a little bit naughty. Bong was having a camera put through his groin to have a look at the liver so Matt met me from the station and we went to find him a suit for Alice’s wedding. It’s in just over a month so how the hell she is coping is a mystery to all of us. Mr B knew I was really down in the dumps when I phoned him to say I had been in to a Primark store and not bought a single thing! I was very impressed with how Sheffield is doing itself up, very swish and fabulous. We had fish and chips in Debenhams… interesting is the word I would describe for that meal. We then went to the hospital.

Those of you who know me well will know that I HATE lifts (I don’t like flying so those tickets to Australia are going to be interesting) and Bong was nicely situated on the ninth floor. Matt & I decided to walk it! Matt tried to be a clever arse and run, I was knackered, after my op I am so joining the gym. Bong still hadn’t been done, he was sat in bed looking as well as he always does which is sort of disturbing. He had the most amazing view, people would pay for that, it was a close call as to whether or not he had a better view than Aunty Pat when she was at St Thomas’s. She had Big Ben outside her window. We sat with him while he waited, I cried. He always gives you the ‘why are you crying’ look the cheeky bugger. Eventually they came and got him, we’d sent Gran off with Caroline as we thought she needed the break, joining them later for a coffee and then one of the mintiest mint choc chip ice creams I have ever eaten in the museum gardens. Sitting there in the sun watching life go by, kids playing in the grass, it suddenly seemed so surreal.

We were soon back chatting (after a horrific lift journey) and he said that camera’s through your groin are a doddle, he’s rock hard is Bong. A Macmillan nurse came and spoke to us, he is so flippant which again made me cry asking ‘as I don’t have much time left will I be comfortable during the last days of my life?’ As I type this I have started again, it comes in waves we have all been saying that. One minute you feel like it’s all a joke and not happening, the next you are so aware of the small amount of time you have left it is all consuming. We left home shortly after that.

Yesterday I stayed in the house. Was pleased to see I was in the top three of Susan Hill’s quiz on matching modern books with the new. I was also shocked, I love books and writing I also admit to not being the most literal or well read of people. I hovered, answered the phone (one call to Aunty Pat lasted an hour, I am worried for her she is normally a trouper but this has tipped her over the edge – I think it has for all of us) and getting the door to some lovely old ladies. The reason I stayed home is he has been allowed home again. This is hopefully for good, he will now be given weekly amounts of morphine to keep at home (Alice and I debated stealing some, Matt and I had wanted to get high on some on the Friday night – well it would give us a laugh). Patrick and Alice brought him back and then Patrick and I went shopping for odds and sods including compost for Gran. While we were out Bong had a funny turn. I think the next few days/weeks are going to be like living on a knife edge.

Now it’s Sunday and I am home. It seems all so weird. Sat this morning looking at Riber, Mason and the huge valley before us (their view is amazing) that I found it hard to believe that I would be in London this afternoon, yet here I am. One good thing was that it was Muffintop’s Birthday on Saturday so she had a picnic party in Regents Park; Mr B had been there all afternoon (Muffintop was over an hour late) he met me from the station and took me to meet everyone. It was actually very good for me; you need a bit of real life after the horrors of what’s going on. Kayke, Mitch and Mew were all there so that was nice.
After having hardly had any time with Mr B for the last few weeks we went to Balan’s for dinner which was lovely. He has two weeks off from his job and is doing internship at my work. The idea was we would get more time together for two weeks, it hasn’t worked out like that at all, tonight was nice though, now only just over 24 hours until my operation, life never stops getting better.

Bad News On Brick Lane

August 23rd 2007

I had never been to Brick Lane until last night (strangely I wont forget it) isn’t it weird that you can live in London for eight years and have never ever been to some of the most famous parts of it. I have to say I wasn’t sure what to expect but I think it’s awesome. It’s a part of London that I most definitely want to go back to and explore some more; I think the fact that I love curry might also be in there somewhere.

Sadly my night went through a low patch when I phoned Alice to find out if she was coming to London tomorrow. She told me the news on Bong (as no one had thought to phone me, well they emailed me to tell me ‘urgent’) and it’s really not good. He definitely has secondary liver cancer this came primarily from the kidney. The prognosis is shocking, its days or weeks. If Mr B hadn’t been out I think I would have just broken down, it was Spanielle’s special day and I didn’t want to ruin it or make anyone feel low so I ate a stupid amount of curry and Smith made me laugh my ass off weird how the world goes on.

The reason that we were out was for the delicious Spanielle’s birthday, we started at a bar that was like a converted warehouse, went to the ‘Standard Curry House’ – why would you call your restaurant standard? The Excellence Curry House would be so much better, and the food was awesome. Kayke made me laugh, she made a hilarious video for me on my phone of her bouncing on a chair, if you saw it you would laugh, I’ve threatened to youtube it, the threat of never seeing my privates again has put me off. We then ended up in a bar that used to be some big Georgian Manor.

I left early, went home, and had a good old cry on Mr B’s chest.

I Cant Read Whats Wrong With Me?

August 22nd 2007

I had a letter from Gran which made me cry for about an hour today. It was telling me how wonderful I had been over the last few weeks. It was very, very sweet but it upset me quite a lot.

Normally if things weren’t as they are me and my Gran would be having our updates on the phone of what we are reading. We are both complete bookworms, so is my mum however we don’t discuss what we have just been reading very often. My gran and I are another thing altogether, we can discuss books for hours, its fabulous, apart from when she gives away the ending of a book that you’ve just started as happened when I was ten pages into The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood, I stopped reading it once I knew the end.

Unfortunately at the moment we have both been struck by something quite alien to us. Neither of us can concentrate on a book (maybe why I thought the best selling Tunnels is complete rubbish and didn’t finish it?) I have never experienced this before. I am desperately trying to read The Secret History a book I have a wonderfully loved second hand copy of and I have been waiting to read (I have some books I want to read so much I put them off and put them off) I have managed to get a grasp on it but read more than ten pages in one go, you must be joking. I know it’s the stress of everything that’s going on but I could really do with some escapism. Help!

Still no news on how he is doing which is hard, it’s the not knowing what can be done or how long we have that’s doing my head in, tomorrow is the day that we will know exactly what’s going on. Guess you will hear from me then.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Bongy The Great & Esmerelda The Witch

August 21st 2007

I haven’t really done much work today, ok that’s a bit extreme. I have done the level of work that is satisfactory under the circumstances, does that sound ok? It’s very hard when you have to sit and manage everyone on your team, manage yourself work wise whilst also managing small crying stints in the toilets. Thank goodness my work toilets aren’t shit holes (well not literally anyways) and I could just escape for a few minutes to collect my thoughts.

I don’t think many people understand why I am so upset about Bong (my Granddad) as most people of my generation aren’t that close to their grandparents (I have to say I have noticed that children who are from single parent upbringing or from divorced families are an exception) and most of their grandparents are old and they understand that they will die within the next decade etc. Bong isn’t like a normal granddad, he’s like my dad (no offence to my dad, or deceased step dad or alive one – gosh this is complicated) my grandparents spent half a year each year bringing me up in the 80’s. My mum was very young when she had me and during her uni years and first teaching years I spent all holidays and more with Gran and Bong.

So let me tell you some facts about Bong. He is 68. He is a father of four, married to Dorothy they have lots of grandchildren, I am the eldest by 16 years. He has a big ski jump nose – I didn’t inherit it. His middle name is Gent after his mothers surname which I think sounds quite fabulous. His parents were called Doris and Arthur an anagram of which is ‘Sod It and Hurrah’ I think, well that’s how legend goes. He is amazing. He was a member of the council. He painted for years and years, he stopped in the last few years. He took me to Florida. He is a legend. He once tried to start his own landscaping business. He is an eBay and Anthony Trollope addict. I couldn’t pronounce ‘Grandpa’ when I was little so said ‘Bongpa’ which became ‘Bongy’ and stuck. He hated the book Memoirs of a Geisha. He used to make me a book a week when I was four.

That paragraph doesn’t some him up enough but it helps you all to understand where I am coming from at the moment. Speaking of the above books; I have routed them out and have been reading them this evening. Mr B was amazed that someone would put so much time and energy into something for a child when they had a full time job etc. That is just the way Bong is, his grandchildren mean the world to him.

The stories of ‘the friends’ are of a kind witch called Esmeralda and her friends Marmalade the cat and Mitch the mouse. Soon there were also their new friends Rapunzel the duck and nine hens (funny coincidence that he had bought me a duck which I named Rapunzel and nine hens the summer before) and they have lots of adventures, some featuring me. I am thinking of speaking with Cancer Research about how to get these little fun adventures published to sell for Cancer Research, does anyone know how to go about and do this?

I am also thinking of writing some new tales of Esmeralda for my cousins and siblings. Esmeralda Reborn sounds a little too dramatic though I think.

A Train Carriage Of My Very Own

August 20th 2007

I am now heading back to London, on a train, on my own. I don’t just mean alone as in there is no one accompanying me but as in a train carriage all alone with absolutely no one on it. There have been pro’s and con’s too this.

- How many times do you say in life ‘oh I wish this carriage was empty’?
- No noisy people.
- I can read the mammoth ‘Secret History’ without any mobile phones/music from mobile phones (my biggest pet hate).
- I have managed to howl for about an hour crying hysterically and no one has noticed/stopped me.
- I can have extremely upset phone conversations with my friends and no one is listening in.
- No one wants to try and make polite conversation.
- I am going home.
- I am alone with my thoughts.

- I am alone with my thoughts
- I have no company and therefore no support other than at the other end of the phone.
- My phone battery has died.
- I feel lonely.
- This train is going via Nottingham making a train journey of two hours over three hours.
- I can’t read, my minds all over the shop.
- I am going home.

I really don’t want to be coming home. On Friday we had the news that Bong has secondary liver cancer. This is bad news; liver cancer is the most painful of the cancers and is a highly known killer. The fact its secondary is also very worrying. They don’t have the results from the CT scan (I called it a CAT scan the other day – sorry) yet they are holding a meeting with all the specialists and doctors etc on Wednesday for the full prognosis. The good news however is that he was able to come home on Friday for the weekend and that made us all very happy. I bought him some very trendy (and cheap) jogging bottoms from Primark and a camp fan, he seemed to like them. God he’s only 68, I am making him sound ancient, he’s very cool and very with it.

Part of me selfishly does want to be home. I want to cuddle my cat, I want to cuddle Mr B, and I want some normality. Is that really selfish? I have just said all that but the thought of work makes me stressed. Least Mr B is doing his internship there this week, and Muffintop will be there too… I wish G wasn’t away. How am I going to concentrate on any work at the moment? Oh, my operation is in eight days. Oh Simon stop being so self centred and moaning, there are worse off people than you, get a grip.

The Therapy Of Green Beans

August 16th 2007

I have never been what you would call green fingered, then again I have never been a culinary whiz either. Amazingly the two of these unlikely skills (or in my case non existent skills) have come in very handy in the great scheme of coping since I have come up north to home territory after the news of my granddad. I am getting ahead of myself and I am sure I am getting ahead of all of you.

This week has been just unbearable in London. Well I say week it was a day and a half after the news that I came up, it had felt like a year. I had a packed suitcase at the ready in work and by Wednesday things were still looking unsure, I just wanted to see him too so I came up.

As for the prognosis? There still isn’t one yet. It turns out over the last month Bong was having stomach pains finally he went to the doctors about a week ago and they told him they thought he had a tumour and made an appointment for him at the hospital. The pain then got too great and this Sunday night Caroline drove Gran and Bong to Chesterfield Hospital thinking pretty much he was going to die then and there. He didn’t, now since then they have looked at the problems with his blood and given him a CAT scan. We are still waiting for the results.

So why am I now having therapy with green beans? The reason is… that my granddad (Bong – the name is a long story I may tell at some point) in his hospital bed is seriously worried that the green beans he has been growing all year are getting too big and will be wasted. The result being me picking green beans (my 3 year old cousin Alfie helped) at stupid o’clock in the morning and then slicing them, boiling them, leaving them and freezing them. Strangely though all that angry chopping and slicing and beheading was really therapeutic, I haven’t cried yet, don’t worry I know its coming, I just don’t want to start everyone else off.