Monday, September 10, 2007

A Train Carriage Of My Very Own

August 20th 2007

I am now heading back to London, on a train, on my own. I don’t just mean alone as in there is no one accompanying me but as in a train carriage all alone with absolutely no one on it. There have been pro’s and con’s too this.

- How many times do you say in life ‘oh I wish this carriage was empty’?
- No noisy people.
- I can read the mammoth ‘Secret History’ without any mobile phones/music from mobile phones (my biggest pet hate).
- I have managed to howl for about an hour crying hysterically and no one has noticed/stopped me.
- I can have extremely upset phone conversations with my friends and no one is listening in.
- No one wants to try and make polite conversation.
- I am going home.
- I am alone with my thoughts.

- I am alone with my thoughts
- I have no company and therefore no support other than at the other end of the phone.
- My phone battery has died.
- I feel lonely.
- This train is going via Nottingham making a train journey of two hours over three hours.
- I can’t read, my minds all over the shop.
- I am going home.

I really don’t want to be coming home. On Friday we had the news that Bong has secondary liver cancer. This is bad news; liver cancer is the most painful of the cancers and is a highly known killer. The fact its secondary is also very worrying. They don’t have the results from the CT scan (I called it a CAT scan the other day – sorry) yet they are holding a meeting with all the specialists and doctors etc on Wednesday for the full prognosis. The good news however is that he was able to come home on Friday for the weekend and that made us all very happy. I bought him some very trendy (and cheap) jogging bottoms from Primark and a camp fan, he seemed to like them. God he’s only 68, I am making him sound ancient, he’s very cool and very with it.

Part of me selfishly does want to be home. I want to cuddle my cat, I want to cuddle Mr B, and I want some normality. Is that really selfish? I have just said all that but the thought of work makes me stressed. Least Mr B is doing his internship there this week, and Muffintop will be there too… I wish G wasn’t away. How am I going to concentrate on any work at the moment? Oh, my operation is in eight days. Oh Simon stop being so self centred and moaning, there are worse off people than you, get a grip.

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