Sunday, December 31, 2006

Fireworks, Family and Fabulous Inspiration

Family gatherings are fabulous arent they. They are stress free, uncomplicated and easy going - maybe in a fantasy world but certainly not in mine. The very idea of seeing my family fills me with apprehension. Who is going to tell me how fat I am? Why am I always at these things alone, no partner for support - and to agree how loony my whole family are? Who is going to fall out with whom?

This year actually wasnt so bad. My Grandad picked me up from Chesterfield Station with my little brother and sister and they sang me a hilarious new version of 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' as reconstructed by my step-dad. Hoorah, I thought, good start. It carried on pretty well... I saw Alice after over a year and her rock of an engagement ring, saw Patrick, and Gran was in a resonably chipper mood. My Gran is wonderful but please understand that she has some... erm... issues shall we say? Basically my uncle and her havent spoken in years in a replica of her mothers relationships with her children, climaxing in the sad event of her attempting suicide and blaming us all (mainly Matt and Bong - my Grandad) even though its blatantly something psychological, or whatever the right term is, from her childhood! So this day was to be the day they saw each other for the first time in well over a year! Would there be fireworks?

Only a slight one, a Catherine Wheel, my Aunty Catherine, who rightly got very upset when Gran acted completely normally with Beth and Emma and ignored Matt and Cath all night! My step-dad Tim then did a brilliant drunken set of home truths with her... arebnt families incredible? Caroline was as usual the hostess with the mostess and made some frankly amazing curry. I got pissed on Champers and walked the mile home with my little brother and sister at about midnight! SUPERB.

I then left as early as could the next day... well come on as if family harmony could last any longer?

Must remember (for Mim Book) ;

Presentation Sisters
St Giles Church (and the cobbled street)
The way Riber Castle looks on the skyline
The Dent Holiday Lodge - or whatever it was called!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The World's Gone Wonky!

I am sat at my desk at work... this isnt right is it? I should be off shopping and then going out and getting rat arsed with my mates.

Sadly, most Londoners have migrated elsewhere this week so after an Xmas of being Billy No Mates the hell continues - though a certain Mr Brustolon is back tonight! Thank the lord! So I threw myself into a 'come on do something with your day' effort, and am now in the office - semi-working with the delightful Ms Jono! I did have a peep in Next, Marks & Spencers and Sainsburys to see what cheap delights they held - absolutely BOG ALL! What has gone wrong with the world this week?

Have had a chance to catch up with some mates though. One of whom was reversed into by a car in the Christmas Sainsburys mad rush Xmas Eve - I tried not to find that comical. Failing slightly! We also started the whole "what you going to have as your New Years Resolutions?" dilemma - one that is currently vexing me as I want to have a) good ones b) ones I actually keep and c) need the list to be concise yet real!! Oh its a quandry!

So what other news? Flap all really! Looking forward to tonight and seeing Alex, think gonna have a day in the beautiful landscape of Wandsworth tomorrow and catch a movie! Oh and Jono has suggested a pub lunch! How fabulous!

Reading: it's still Ruby in the Smoke and it's really good, one scene of Mrs H chasing sally wigged me out a bit actually - cant wait for the show tonight! Must finish book first!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Lonely This Christmas

Do you know what? I thought this was going to be the worst Xmas ever, and though it possibly has been, its not been as horrendous as I envisaged.

The idea of not seeing my family at Christmas has never appealed to me (then again Christmas with the family is never something I get too excited about) I like it for the kids... my little brother is 5 and my sister 9. So for them it's an exciting, thrilling time full of the promise of Santa and presents. So I have always had them as an excuse for waking up early and enthusing about the whole event that really I couldnt give two hoots about! Come on, I am 24, I know Santa isn't real and that Christmas in adult land means debt.

So when I woke on Chrismas Day with the cat I didnt cry - I so thought it would be tears all day. I simply got up, gave her her Turkey Whiskers and wished her a Merry Christmas before whipping the tv on, me clothes off and having a nice relaxing bath. So far so good.

Then it was Xmas lunch at the Ex's. Awkward, slightly odd but yet again all good. No tears. Alice phoned me and unlike her Xmas card the phone conversation didnt make me cry either. Bridget Jones eat your heart out - nothing could stop me...

...Until I walked home alone, to an empty flat at 5pm. An empty plat which my cat had done some sick in. Then my Mum phoned and the kids where on and after they hung up, oh boy, the tears came.

However watching the fabulous Doctor Who (with the amazing Catherine Tate) cheered me up and I got drunk. Amaretto makes everything right! I did have a slight moment of being pathetic and texting the ex all woe is me and your at a party, then I fell asleep!

This morning everything seemed brighter i am pleased to say, and frankly (despite bloody Sainsbury's not being open) had quite a productive day! I went shopping with the motive of buying the last few pressies in the sales - I'm cheap I know - and got some and did some more me shopping. New lamps, new shower curtain and some shit DVD's. Legendary! But whats best is that I have found I quite like my own company... and the company of my bloody shitting cat!

Reading: The Ruby In The Smoke - Philip Pullman
Watching: Snakes on a Plane, Supergirl (told you I bought some shit!)

Monday, December 25, 2006


I am feeling most vexed with Christmas. I have a cold from hell and have spent a lot of the day crying! I am so pathetic! Basically I can't go home and have had to ask for the kindness of my ex to have me round for dinner tomorrow, yes Simon is going to be lonely this Christmas, lonely at home. If only every day could be a song lyric.

The toughest part of today was choosing to definately not go home. I didnt want the kids or my Step-Nan catching anything off me and frankly with runny eyes and nose, a fever and muscle ache from hell I would have been lousy company and the train would have been a nightmare. Plus I will be seeing everyone on the 30th at Caroline's family bash.

Anyways enough need to watch some fabulous telly or something to get through the hours.

Watching: Cutting It Series 4 (mainly where Ali dies - sorry if have ruined the ending people)
Listening to: A Moment Like This - Leona Lewis

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

A Cover Boy!

...Kinda, loving my work though!

On Holibobs

Yes I had a break away was fab...
I shopped, went out drinking, shopped some more, did some work (yawn) and shopped again.
No doubt if people give a monkeys will tell you all when I see you, suffice to say I am shattered!
Work was hell... got told off a bit, then asked for a payrise hahahahahahahaha.

Will write something less dull tomorrow! Sorr, so tired!

Friday, November 17, 2006

National Toilet Day

Thanks to pop bitch I now know that Sunday is World Toilet Day.
Did you know:
1. The average person visits the toilet 2500 times a year, or about six-eight times a day. You spend about 3 years of your life in the toilet.
2. A woman spends, on average, three times longer on each toilet visit, yet there usually the same number of toilets in each public convenience.
3. When Madonna performed last year on German TV show Wetten Dass, she refused to use their toilets. The show's producers had to use a crane to bring Madonna's own personal 18 square metre luxury toilet into the grounds.
4. The Queen has to have a new toilet seat everywhere she visits. It is then destroyed if she "goes".

Play the toilet game:

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Spirits, Crystall Balls & More (Alcoholic) Spirits

Well its been a nice weekend this one. I havent done masses but have done enough to feel like I had a break from work and also have done quite a lot.

Friday night I spent trying to more and more of 'The Secret Of Wishingstone Way' its actually a lot harder than you think, your head gets so full of all the words that you want to put on the page that you feel a bit like your floundering.

Yesterday I met Michelle at 9.30am so we could go to the 'Mind Body & Spirit' event at Olympia. Was quite good only I found myself disheartned at how mercenary some people are. My psychic medium is like £15 for half an hour these guys were £45. Michelle said she could do it and undercut them hahahaha. Was delightful to see Colin Fry and Tony Stockwell, though we all know I think Derk Acorah is more of a legend. Bought a crystal ball finally! She's called Selena hahahahahahaha. I love her she was a bargain at £25. I also bought some Neem Tree tea! Oh and had an amber wax as Michelle wouldnt try it - she then bought a pot. Also indulged myself with a Shiatsu (or however you spell it) massage.

Night time came and made Michelle a Prawn Stir Fry! Was one of the best things have cooked in ages. Hoyden nicely pooed everywhere, she knows how to entertain guests that cat!

Went to The Frog & Forget Me Not to start a night of drink for Ewers leaving do then on to SW4 Bar got very pissed, now hungover trying to watch Lord of the Rings.

Oh finished Eragon , is actually really good. Will do a review on ciao at some point! Liked all the characters though some of the description is a bit vague. But bloody hell he was only like 17 when he finished it!

Right stuff to do!

Lunch was shit! We went to a local bar and got served luke warm food seperately and they got Michelles order wrong twice.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Everything Is A Bit Much...

Do you ever get that feeling where everything just seems a bit much?

Waking up seems a bit much, so does getting dressed.
The tube is way too much.
Work is just about too much.
And everything else is just tooooooooooooooooooooo much?

No... well I bloody do.

Work - new offices, new rules, new, new, new.
Home - do I move, don't I move? Ric - I would love to share with you! - doing alright but could be better. - done bugger all for weeks.
Personal website - needs total re-thinking and rebuilding!
Social life - sorry whats that? Room for improvement.
Writing - all change at Bent, QR is on hold, Switch 22 interview gone very quiet, Nanowrimo dont even get me started!!!!

Even the cat... she never stops mieowing!

Everything is a bit much, but bizarrely I am fine - odd!

Still reading - Eragon (its getting very good - made me cry was so vivid a death in one part)
Listening to - The Sound Of -Girls Aloud

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Book Crawl

Pollybean and myself had a lovely book shop crawl at lunch. I was in need of 'Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death' by M.C Beaton (thankyou Foyles) and a fabulous sixties edition of Muriel Sparks 'Memento Mori'. The latter proved as illusive in second hand book shops on Charing Cross Road as it has on and new book stores. Polly then found a very glam version on ebay for 99p. Grabbed it!

Saw Sir Richard Attenborough today on way back. He made me feel happy, sad and reflective all at once. Happy as he is obviously loving old age, dining in fabulous eateries on Charlotte Street, and being driven everywhere in a classic green Rolls. Sad as he looked like an injured Santa, old age is henceforth evil. Reflective because the way things are going old age for me means a house of 78 cats of who's piss I will smell all alone (violins please) with no pension. They will then eat me - the cats not the pension people, though you never know - when I die. Sobering thought hey... ho hum!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Squashbuckling & The Voice of the Devil

Sadly not the title of my debut novel - but what a good title that could be?

Ok lots to catch up on...

Weekend - went up to Birmingham to stay with mum for a nice weekend of just us. Stayed at the Copthorne which was jolly nice. Jammy moment 1 - they had over booked the twin rooms so we got a double suite each, jammy moment 2 - they gave me a 'paid' breakfast card by accident so that was free on top. Did lots of shopping and went to an amazing food place where you can have a buffet (and not a shit one either) of over a hundred different courses of Thai, Chinese, Indian and Japenese - stuffing of faces ensued. We also had a 'oh my havent you lost weight' meeting where we were frankly in awe of our new svelte figures, ok not quite. Did lots of shopping - well Mum did for her Birthday coat, no not suit! Vile.

Monday - non existant, wanted to go home all day, people are getting on my nerves.

Tuesday - oooh thats today and its been book group. Went to The Phoenix on Cavendish Square, ate loads. Book has been 'Everything Is Illuminated' by Jonathan Saffren Coer, we decided not everything was illuminated and we all loved the book but got a bit lost! 7.9/10 will read again and have asked to readit, swapit his second novel. I had a minor huff that one memner took the complete piss out of my confusion and stayed quite quiet after that, bar to say 'squashbuckling' instead of 'swashbuckling' and then lied I did it on purpose hahahaha. By the way said piss taker didnt know what the Bronte's wrote so thats hardly an intellect - bowl of milk for Mr Simon please! Kaylord popped along too -hadnt read the book - but was as ever delightful to see her!

Next read is Pol's choice - London Fields by Martin Amis (Gran if you tell me the ending - we may not speak for a while! Ha!)

Oh, discovered new pub game. Get pint glasses (empty) of various sizes and put them over your ears - sounds like the devil trying to communicate. Danielle and myself tried long and small pint glasses (the longer the scarier) wine glasses and bottles are rubbish, but a good bulbous beer bottle sounds like a running stream. Trying the office mugs in the kitchen tomorrow...

Friday, November 03, 2006

Have I Lost The Plot?

It seems I might. I dunno (cant be bothered to look ha ha ha) if I told you all but I have entered this competition to write a novel in a month basically ist National Novel month and for a jape you can have a go at writing a novel of 50,000 words by the 30th of November!

I have decided I must win. This would all be well and good kittens, however, I have no plot and two stories whizzing in my head. Three Mothers, the tale of three generations of women or The Secret of Wishingstone Way, a children/young adults book! Now just where the blazes am I supposed to start, let alone decide which one I want to do... its day three already and I have written sod all!

My publishers/agents of the future are waiting for my materpiece hahahahahahahahhahaha!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Never Be The Same Again...

Yes folks I met Melanie C! A life long goal to touch a Spice Girl has been met! She was bloomin lovely frankly! I was impressed. First Madonna now Melanie!

Myself and Kevin decided very last minute to go to a signing of her new DVD and we got the chance to have a lovely chat with er about stuff. Kevin was hilarious becoming quite edgy and vicious as he was filled with pre-Spice meet nerves!

I looked a complete b*****d as you can see! I also look a bit smug!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

Is it me or does it not feel like Halloween in the slightest? I havent gotten into the spirit of it this year - do you see what I did there? The most Halloweeny I have gotten this day has been to a) look like the living dead and b) half watch Sleepy Hollow while doing other things - like this!

Today has been a real hotch potch. I am officially full of snot which is vile in the extreme, and really could not be arsed geting out of my pit this morning but did. Then it just went from great to worse ha.

Todays best bits - Q Boy turned up at my offices with his Mixtape CD its really good ( or you can go to my ever fabulous music site to find out more. It was a really nice suprise as most promo cd's get whacked in the post, but Mr Q turned up himself. His song A Deal With God (sampling Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill) is superb and I am going to do all I can to help the homo-homie in his deserved rise to fame.

News International isn't going so well, lets just say there payroll manager isnt my biggest fan - ho hum what am I to do? Erm, nothing in all honesty! It vexed me though having to run around sorting pointless things out. Tuts.

Oh, good news, despite my editor (and discoverer) Jenny Parkin leaving I still have a job with Bent Magazine. Sad news is no 'Savidge In The City' till 2007!!!!! But... my agony uncle column is carrying on as normal. Having to do Decembers RIGHT NOW, and can tell you they have a real Christmas angle hahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh I have also entered 2006's 'National Novel Writing Month'. I entered with out checking 1) what the prize is - still no clue 2) what the actual novel needed to entail! I still have no idea on the prize(but its a laugh) and know I have to do 50,000 words in a month - wowzers! So basically thats my life down the loo for November! Anyways thats that, and I dont think I have anything else exciting to say!

Love to you all. Simon x

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Not really masses to say frankly.

So shall just say hi!


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Top Ten Tracks of the Moment (I'm Bit Busy Today)

1. You'll Never Know - Goldfrapp
2. Beware of the Dog - Jamelia
3. Rock Steady - All Saints
3. What Goes Around... - Justin Timberlake
4. Paul McCartney - Scissor Sisters
5. Candy Man - Christina Aquilera
6. Easy - Sugababes
7. Tonight's the Night - Gina G
8. I Don't Need a Man - Pussycat Dolls
9. LDN - Lily Allen
10. Jump - Madonna

Sorry just did that cos I felt like it ha!

Saturday, September 30, 2006


Hmmm… I am in work today, so can only be brief as loads to do and normally you won’t get a blog from me on a Saturday!

Have only just discovered that Jane Austen had an unfinished book called ‘Sanditon’ and have now decided I want to have a crack at writing as her, what a crazy world we live in hey!? Bought Juliette Shapiro’s effort but am soooooooo involved in Mary Elizabeth Braddon’s ‘Lady Audley’s Secret’ and my screenplay/script of that my head might burst! I also ‘Emma’ yesterday on my Oxfam binge; it is from America 1964 and is the campest vilest cover ever! That’s how I like my books!

Erm what else? Oh is back in action! Right have work to do x

A Few of My Favourite Things

My top ten books (we have been discussing it for our book group)...

1. Perfume - Patrick Suskind
2. The Hound Of The Baskervilles - Arthur Conan Doyle
3. Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen
4. The Curious Incident of the Dog In TheNight Time - Mark Haddon
5. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
6. Murder At The Vicarage - Agatha Christie
7. The Woman In Black - Susan Hill
8. The Whitby Witches - Robin Jarvis (as a kid and adult)
9. Tales of the City - Armistead Maupin
10.Tess of the D'Urbivilles - Thomas Hardy

Friday, September 29, 2006

Poisoned Porridge

Have been outraged twice today... Firstly by the naughtiness of a lady from ‘Crussh’ ( my co-worker Kevin and I were feeling a little peckish at around 11am and we thought (as I had toothache) “ooooh, porridge would be lovely”. So off we toddled… well minced! We get there and on a poster outside is a lovely looking honey covered pot of porridge, yum, yum.

Kevin goes in first and hands her the pot simply asking what we needed to do next (well it had no flavourings on it) she starts ranting about banana’s, oranges, and bloody berry compote which we didn’t want so I said ‘oh no, no, no’ and she screamed ‘what do you want?’ Well how rude, we were shocked (Kevin actually jumped at her anger!) and then she cut the banana like she wanted it to be us – what a cheek!

The final straw came when we received the honey and banana porridge… stone cold. I mean for £1.75 you would think they would heat it! I should have asked for a discount of the added poisonous attitude I didn't want stirred in my pot!

Second vexation is that Tooting Broadway Vets have misplaced Thisbe’s ashes! I don’t expect that at £115 either! (Oh and Primark had nothing good in it!)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Mr Misery Guts!

Sadly my aim to write from a week and a half ago has gone slightly wrong in the fact that I have had a small tragedy in the form of Thisbe dying suddenly. Last Monday morning the poor thing had a heart attack and though one of the most distressing things I have witnessed, at least I was with her.

The tubby legend will be in my heart always and forever and its weird as it seems like a part of me has gone missing. I still have Hoyden thankfully. The Thisbe drama couldn’t stop there could it? I then couldn’t get a spade anywhere! Then when I bloody did I dug and after a foot was concrete in the garden… not meeting the councils requirements, so now shes being cremated bless her and I’ll be releasing her ashes in Merton Abbey Mills which is a lovely area, hopefully this weekend coming!

I am also feeling vile in the extreme after having no sleep this weekend, he who is to blame shall remain nameless but he knows who he is, and his drinking is getting TOO MUCH!

Then there has been the diva in my office. Miss ‘O’. Interviewed her… amazing, she started and it was just one wrong footing after another. Yesterday was the final straw when in an email she called me a liar and told me how to do my job. I had a big chat with her and shes decided to leave thank the lord! She should know there is only one diva in my office and on my team… me!

But week hasn’t been all bad…Got very drunken with Kevin, Polly and Richard on Monday night. We were being very rowdy and ‘faaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous’ in G-A-Y Bar (where Big Brother’s Michael was acting like he owned the place – hmmm) and Kevin did some hilarious ‘pulling’ dancing with a chav! So It’s not all been bad.

I am running severely late on my deadline for G.L.S! Ed hasn’t gotten back to me on my QR Magazine ‘Top Ten Break Up Tracks’. Jenny has got back to me saying she is loving Octobers Agony Uncle Column. Will update all on date it’s out… you fans you!


Saturday, September 16, 2006

Out With The Old & In With The New

I havent decide what I am going to say in this blog... so will just put this up for now!