Thursday, February 22, 2007

I'm An Accessory To Murder...

Hoyden being the clever little cat that she is has caught a mouse tonight (I am in denial that there are mice behind my fabulous kitchen cabinets so we won’t mention the point of origin) and I just let her kill it.

Hence forth I am giving my statement on The Murder of Molly Mouse;

I, Simon Savidge, witnessed the murder of Molly Mouse of *** Tooting High Street, Molly was scratching and vandalising my property. It has also been rumoured she was whoring herself on my private property (and the public property of the shared entrance hall of me and other flats) and reproducing somewhere spreading vermin and disease. Yes that’s more what rats do but she was like a very small rat.

Hoyden aged 9 was only protecting her property and queeny owner who doesn’t take to kindly to mice, especially if they are ruining his stylish furnishings. She therefore crept under the cooker and attacked Molly. Dragging her out she tortured Molly much to my dismay as I believed she would just eat her… that happened ten minutes later. There is now no sign of the victim.

Hoyden is a loving and loyal lady. She normally wouldn’t hurt a fly, even when they are buzzing in her face, and she certainly makes no efforts to chase any of her toys as she is a slightly lazy bitch in all honesty mainly content to simply eat and shit. However she is very loving when I am ill, lonely, or asleep to the point that she sometimes sleeps so close to me she scares me in the morning a full on purring face in mine. She has a good past record only pissing on the inflatable sofa and Alex’s tops once. The only know moment of violence was when she bit hard on Alex’s nose and that was only done to make her owner laugh… and indeed I did – and so have my friends when have told them, so she truly has brought joy to many lives from that incident.

Yours, Simon Savidge

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