Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Some people I know think that I am crazy to be having surgery next year. Particularly after a cancerous few years, these involved five operations in all, none of which were nice. However I am always up for something new, and am always up for something free (though I don't mind paying - like I am to have a new set of teeth in Brazil next Feb) and when you get offered the chance for some free cosmetic surgery well why say no plus as a project that's not for Bent and for something bigger and more visual (that's all am saying) it would be good for my career - not that you need surgery to be a roving reporter etc.

I had been told I could have anything done I wanted up to a certain budget. The ones that they had sent me the facts on were 'Intelligent Lipo', 'Non Evasive Face Lift', 'Botox', 'Chemical Peel' and 'Macrolane To The Penis' the latter didn't even seem bearable no matter what macrolane was. I never got to find out actually.

So off I went to see a specialist thinking 'oh this could be fun, you don't get the chance of this everyday'. I didn't expect it to open up the question 'how happy am I with my own body' which is a veritable can of worms. Well liposuction is of course and instant tick box, especially as this is a new form of liposuction that means less custardy lumps and bruising, yay, yay and thrice yay. That was not a hard choice to make. Botox, well why not lets give it a whirl. When I went to see the surgeon who is doing a non evasive facelift (no knives, no staples and only lasts six months) I didn't realise my faults would be pointed out so calmly and slightly bluntly. I am all for bluntness, if you are my friend... otherwise back off.

Bags under my eyes I could deal with, I am after all in quite a stressful job and at the moment doing two issues of the magazine in less time that we do one I have been loosing sleep. I don't give a monkey's about laughter lines as they show I have a sense of humour and laugh a lot. 'You know you could do with a nose job' he said 'looks like it could be smoothed out'. I wanted to tell him this is from when one of my delightful ex-boyfriends and I ended up in a fight and my nose was broken by him and broken back by a very handsome nurse and that actually I learnt a valuable lesson that day about men and this was a scar to remember it. I looked in the mirror, god do I have an ugly nose, self doubt started creeping in!

A few rooms later sat in my pants I felt like Samantha from Sex and the City when she gets covered in crosses going to see what she should have done to her face. Well this was my whole body, I looked like a noughts and crosses jumbo annual. This was thanks to Liposuction Man who I personally felt had gone a bit far. 'You could have laser surgery on those stretch marks' no, I haven't had a baby but yes after being on some certain drugs and lots of bed rest I am not the slender spring chicken I once was but life goes on and at least I am not dead. My patience was lessening.

'Oh and that scar on your back, we could get rid of that. The scar on my back is from a growth being taken from my spine, they filled it with a foot of gauze I will have you know... very impressive! I call this my war wound, yes its ugly some scar tissue is but it reminds me of something, well in theory it does, I cant actually see it most of the time. It reminds me of what was a very scary and worrying time in my life and how the horrid little vain nbitchy queen I was grew up and changed for the better - well I hope so anyways.

One thing that did lift my spirits, stroke my ego and make me chuckle (reluctantly at the time) was when he said 'so… will you be wanting the macrolane to the penis…' we both looked down to the offending article and he said 'oh no I see we might not need that' now as flattered as I was (I gave him the biggest smirk I could muster) I did want to say to him 'that nothing compared to when they thought I had something cancerous down there and the swelling caused the x-ray man to snigger'. I also wanted to add 'I have had one operation down there and seriously you couldn't pay me to do anything to that, unless death was the only other option'. I just got dressed and left in a flurry or grumpyness, so much so I never asked what the heck macrolane was.

Having taken some time to think on it I am still having a little lipo and Botox though just for research purposes you understand; I will still look exactly the same only slightly expressionless for a few weeks, but for now at least I am leaving it at that. What made me make this decision? Well...

After a bath and a soaking sulk plus some serious scrubbing to remove the surgeons felt tip marks from all over me I stood in front of the mirror and I thought 'do you know what, I might not be the buffest or thinnest of men, I might have scars and marks but my body tells a history of me and I think I like it just the way it is.' I have nothing against those people who choose to have full on surgery in fact I am going to be meeting a fair few, I am just not letting myself be put under pressure by any one or any surgeon to go that bit further.

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