It's Not Nosey Its Observational

“Oh Daddy, he is so tired” the mid 30’s woman looks at her husband with a mixture of ‘we’ve been married for years’ love and apathy, whilst holding a taught screaming baby.

“Well let him sleep…” Daddy replies, sounding as weary as the child is quite apparently feeling.

“You’ll have to sit over there” Mummy demands looking at the chair on the opposite side of the carriage. She then looks at Daddy conveying ‘don’t mess with me right now, if you do our child will have a very traumatic and unhappy childhood and I will never have sex with you again’ in a single simple glance. Mummy wears the trousers, especially after the pain and suffering of child birth only four months ago to bare him a son as she insisted on telling him and everyone else as they got onto the 9.35 train from Euston to Manchester. “Go on… move; our little prince needs his space to sleep.”

Daddy moves with his Financial Times to the opposite chair like a man beaten before a battle has begun. He looks at the three men already sat where he joins them; all three make some kind of effort to act like they haven’t seen the whole conversation, the train journey soap opera as it unfolds. The man sat next to him looks absentmindedly out of the window; he is around 50 money to burn with both an iPod in his ears and an iPhone in front of him. He has no wedding ring. Daddy imagines him to be a bachelor, has a penthouse in Chelsea and sees children as a hindrance to his happy spoilt life. He’s not far wrong for the business man in question has been glaring at the shrieking child for the last five minutes.

The man in front of Daddy has been desperately trying to get some shut eye too from a night of drunken debauchery and if Daddy is not mistaken he can still smell the beer on him. It’s been too long since he was last allowed a beer, Mummy would kill him, he almost tuts forgetting that Mummy is sat next to him and frantically turning off the over head lights and shoving a Winnie the Pooh blanket over babies head, ‘our little prince clearly needs the dark to sleep too’ Daddy thinks.

Over his Financial Times he catches the eye of the man opposite, mid twenties, who has been watching the whole thing whilst multi-tasking reading a new hardback novel and making notes of some kind. He smiles looking slightly embarrassed, Daddy smiles back feeling embarrassment of another kind. The baby finally appears to be asleep, Mummy is engrossed in ‘The Perfectly Well Rounded and Happy Baby” or such like that Mummy has seemed to by a bookshop of. Daddy gets engrossed in the latest mergers and acquisitions.

“Daddy” snaps Mummy.
“Eh?” Daddy had forgotten baby and Mummy were even on the train, he was back to those stress free journeys up and down the country for meetings. He had hated them then what he would give to have them now.
“Daddy aren’t you listening to Mummy?”
“Yes dear.”
“What time did he go to sleep?”
“Sorry?” He isn’t sure whether this is a trap.
“What time did he go to sleep?”
“Erm” he feigns looking at his watch, he hasn’t a clue, looking at Mummy’s piercing eyes “…about 5 minutes ago.”
“Exactly?”
“More or less” as soon as the words come from his mouth he knows he had made a mistake, he can almost see the steam coming from Mummy’s ears.
“More or less, I’m sorry? Did you just say more or less?”
“I would say” he looks at his watch as the sweat starts to appear on his forehead “at 9.42.”
“Would you say 9.42 exactly?”
“No.” There is a temporary silence at this point.

“Do you care about this child?” Mummy is clearly furious she gets a worn notebook from her handbag; her voice rises with the following sentence. “I need to keep an exact log of the times he sleeps and wakes. So far he hasn’t had enough. All I ask is you take an interest… don’t you try and interrupt me. This is our son, this is his future, and his childhood is so precious. You don’t care do you, you just don’t care?”
The book is thrown in front of him. The daily lists of the last four months sleep patterns. In the action of throwing the book and her raised voice at such a pitch Mummy has now woken the baby who starts to scream at a slightly higher octave than his mother. She grabs the baby, kisses him, murmurs words of love, he screams louder. She holds him like a bomb ready to go off and looks at Daddy. Daddy looks back helpless.

“Look at what you did.” Mummy hands baby to Daddy biting her lip in sheer vexation at her lesser half. “Take him and walk him around and calm him down. I think you can do that? Go on, off you go. Mummy needs some time alone.” She buries herself back in ‘The Baby That Never Cries’ or whichever title it is and refuses to make eye contact with Daddy, he no longer exists not until he has done as he has been told. She feels she is looking after two babies, the biggest being the most irritating.

Daddy holds the baby and gets ready to take him on a walk up and down the carriage, baby is still screaming. As Daddy manoeuvres round the table he catches the eye of the mid twenties guy over his book. His eyes say ‘good luck’ Daddy looks back eyes saying ‘I’ll need it, its going to be one of those days’. Mummy starts a new chapter ‘How Many Naps Are Too Many for Baby’ and gets comfortable pen in hand ready to make notes. She will get this right.

***

The man in his mid twenties was me; this all happened – the actions and the speech not the background of the thoughts and characters – on the train this morning on my way to Manchester. The notes being written were the ones I was making on the couple as it was so human and so real I knew I would want to remember it. So real, it almost seems unreal.

I regaled this story to Alice when I got indoors with a nice cup of tea. ‘Simon you nosey sod’ Alice said laughing at me.

“It’s not nosey, its observational, and its research.” That’s my defence and I am sticking to it!

Judging A Book By Its Cover

Tonight was book group which as usual was lovely though sadly Kaylord had a bad cold. The book was ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ which we all agreed (bar ME – such a bloke tut) was fantastic, if a little too long and a little too clever for its own good sometimes e.g. when Ann Boleyn says to Jane Seymour ‘I hope you die in child birth’. I mean come on, isn’t that a little contrived? We loved it though; well you know I did as I went Tudor mad for a week or so. The venue was fabulous too, it was the Café in the Crypt at St Martin’s near Trafalgar Square and the food was lovely.

As we always do (bar poorly and her man) Muffintop, Fimmy and I all went to Borders (its open until 11 hallelujah) to get the next book (Cormac McCarthy ‘The Road’) which is where my little rant will begin after I saw this…



I cannot stand books with film covers. I don’t know where this small rage has started and built up and built up I just cannot stand them. The thing is I am not alone; we had been discussing ‘Chocolat’ after I was raving about the film to everyone, yet I haven’t read the book. Muffintop said ‘I nearly bought that once but it had the film cover on the front and I didn’t want Johnny Depp feeding whatserface Chocolate like it was his phallus in front of my face on the tube’. And it’s true we do care about what people think of what we are reading even subconsciously, more of that in a minute.

From a marketing perspective I can understand that people might want to be seen reading the latest movie but why with a horrid vile cover, they are always so glossy it’s sickly. But then it cant be working as people aren’t buying them like people would, as you can see from the picture they are half price, and this annoyed me even more, where as the original covered version wasn’t. That’s madness!

…Back to the idea of book covers on the tube. I randomly had this discussion when I was interviewing Brit & Alex, they had read ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ and I made a joke of bet people know I am a puff reading that on the tube with its golden swirly writing and bodices. It’s true though. I always look at what people are reading. I mean if I saw someone reading a Mills & Boon I would automatically start making assumptions about them (not necessarily bad ones – I have read a few, shush don’t tell anyone) or if I saw someone reading a mammoth book on war I would do the same.

I remember getting tutted at on the tube once by the lady sat next to me (who looked very much like she could do with reading what I was) as she had obviously been noseying at what was on my pages. I was currently reading Abbi Lee’s ‘Girl With A One Tracked Mind’ as I have been researching sex blogs, she must have thought I was a right pervert especially as the page I was on was quite, erm, to the point. She shouldn’t have been reading over my shoulder should she?

The same goes for my bookshelves too. I want fabulous covers that make everyone want to read the books I own, not the latest Hollywood star. I know authors feel the same in fact Stella Duffy did a blog about how important the shape of the key was on her cover and what images of London to use. I have bought books based on covers before, we all have. I have also not bought books for the same reason and quite possibly missed out on some gems.

People say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but sorry in the literary sense… frankly I do! Right, rant over!

Some Mothers Do Have Em

So my mother came down for the weekend this weekend and I have just dropped her back off at the station with my brother (7) and sister (9), to avoid the vile lows that I get after seeing them all and then knowing I wont see them for quite a while I have made sure that tonight I keep very busy. Sadly my freeview is broken, but my DVD is working so have an old favourite at the ready ‘Chocolate’ I love, love, love this movie. Mum brought down some Thornton’s yesterday so will be munching through those.

So what did we do this weekend? It started a little chaotically with Mum & Co catching an early train but trains being trains they got diverted via reading after a freight train over turned, a trip that should have had them arriving at 11am meant they actually got there at 1pm, which was the time they would have been here. I was secretly quite glad after waking up at 10am with a vile, vile, vile hangover (thank you Mr W) after getting in at 5am this morning absolutely off my face! I still had half the house to clean! I then randomly chose to not get the Northern Line and change to Paddington, but get the district from Wimbledon. I didn’t realise the district line was part closed so was late!

We headed to the National Portrait Gallery as Mum wanted the kids to get some culture so we did one of those ‘kid’s packs’ I don’t know who enjoyed it more; Seth and Miriam or Mum and me? Learned lots and found some new favourite paintings. Felt very cultured. Seth was brilliant with a map leading us around the place, is it bad that other than to go to the shop for something for a friend I have been to the National Gallery once in my nine years of London, its something I am going to do more of.

We went to China Town to see all the lanterns but with the wind of the night before they had all come down so let the kids try their first ever Dim Sum which they really loved. They are so much more adventurous than I was at there ages. Then Mum collapsed, we don’t know what exactly happened, one minute we were walking to Borders the next mum was face down on the floor with a very worried Miriam. We think she tripped on a car tyre it was really scary and we both felt for a few minutes it was going to be an ambulance job. Mum being Mum she simply dusted herself off and calmly carried on. So I can’t get my dramatic streak from her. The prospect of a book store was just the tonic and we sat in the kids section before being unable to resist the urge to shop ourselves and she made me buy a book. Right when I am on a book ban (the house is becoming a library) by Mr B! (It was ‘Darkmans’ by Nicola Barker and was only bought as my Mum wanted the book thief and was buy one get one half price!)

Went to the hotel, Mum had a rest, the kids read. Miriam is turning into the book worm that her elder brother and mother both were at that age. I went shopping, we reconvened and Mum finally came to inspect the flat and taste my home cooking. She liked the flat she liked the cooking. I got full approval, a rare feat from my mother. As we were walking back Miriam was whispering to Mum she wanted to ask me a question. Me and Mum are similar in the fact we think people shouldn’t be scared to ask questions. So she said ‘Simon will you and Mr B get married?’ She’s always been funny about that, telling Flo our cousin (aged 7) off for saying Mr B was my boyfriend. I said ‘yes we might do’ Seth came out with a corker ‘who would be the bride’ me and Mum couldn’t stop laughing all the way to the hotel.

I then came home and had my very own accident, after spring cleaning the flat from top to bottom for the royal visit I must have left some lemon crème in the bath or had one of my famous blackouts as I woke up in a contortionist’s position and now have the bruise below… Mum says I was trying to out do her. Most vexing I must say!

Sunday morning we met Mum (I had Mr B in tow) for the Premier Travel Inn’s buffet breakfast. Miriam finally hugged Mr B – he was so happy as she has been quite distant with him. Mum loved her camp Mother’s day card. I had bought her some books and an Alison Moyet CD. We then headed off to the London Dungeon. We were going to go for a Brazilian meal as Mum wanted to see Mr B in action talking the talk etc, but the lines were buggered so we couldn’t.

London Dungeon was great think Mum, Mr B and I enjoyed it more than the kids. Seth started crying at one point and got very scared, Miriam was fine until the Jack the Ripper part when it got a bit much. Seth started demanding to leave but as they had begged to go (and it costs a bloody lot) we dragged them through. Soon as he was out he said ‘that was brilliant’ kids eh?

Lovely Mother’s Day lunch in Little Italy, Seth devoured most of Mr B’s squid. The food was excellent and I recommend it to anyone, so many places can be ropey. Mum had originally stated she wanted to have a Knickerbocker Glory, but Miriam had pizza Bruchetta to start and a mammoth pizza for mains and we all had to finish those and Seth’s lasagne so it was a bit much. Then missed the train she wanted so made a mad dash to catch another. Now they have gone. Really miss them. Think Mum had a brilliant Mother’s Day though (have popped a picture of us both below), and if I am not mistaken may have had a tear in her eye as the train departed Euston.

Underwear Everywhere!

I never thought I would utter these words sadly I am going to. I have had enough of men in their underwear. No I am not off to be straight, I have just spent the last two days emerged in men’s underwear. Boxers, briefs, CK’s, funky Primark patterns, Y Fronts, jock straps. I am done with it. My eyes cannot take anymore of the items or their bulging contents. Ok, maybe a slight overstatement!

I have been researching, until my brain can no longer function, a load of pants! All in the name of the love of my job of course, and I haven’t actually been seeing all of this in flesh but through the joys of the internet. We are doing an underwear and swimwear special (which Mr B might be the over of so look out for it) and I have been looking into the fetishes of underwear (if anyone has a fetish for it please email me, people don’t seem to want to speak out) and of all the crazy underwear you can get be it designer or as I have found fabulously cheap and crazy in Primark, they do the most awesome patterned pants. Oh god it’s taking over my life.

So two days and I have some sort of a feature lined up… ‘Lucky Pants’. Do you have a pair of lucky pants? Do they work? Do you have pictures of you in them would you be prepared to be interviewed about them? Are you anti-pants? Do you have a phobia of underwear, there is one but its not got an official name yet, believe me its true I have been in the forms. I like the idea of ‘pantiphobia’ or maybe you could just stick with commando? If so seriously drop me a line as the more the merrier, I feel my eyes and mind are numb to it. But please, feel free to comment away.

Right I think I had better go and iron my pants… what? What’s wrong with that? I'll leave you with a little treat I found on my travels!

When We Are Old & Grey & Old & Gay

Old age seems to be following me around. I have had several conversations surrounding being older with in the last few weeks, one of which was whether my partner would put me out of my misery if I got Alzheimer's, that's not really relevant but if you want to know more read my blog. Anyway I digress, old age.

The first conversation I had was with my ex. He is in his mid to late thirties, and has just split up with another guy. We sat, got very drunk and he poured his heart out to me that he was going to be lonely forever, he wouldn't have any kids and no family and no life and no friends and would probably end up in a house with 20 cats and no social life. Dramatic I know, and possibly one of those drunken conversations you have after a split, but it made me think. Well before I was so drunk I'd forgotten the conversation… until a few days later.

Out in Soho with one of my 'younger' friends who considers me to be past it (I am just about to hit 26) and we were chatting away when a guy of around 50 came into the bar we were in, it is aimed at the younger trendy market, why was I there? So he walks in and there was almost a complete stand still of everyone he passed, almost jaws open as if to say 'why is he in here?' My 'younger' friend was one of them. I asked him why his surprise? 'Well men that old shouldn't be in places like this?' When I asked him where they should be he didn't have an answer, and when I asked him what he'll be doing at that age he replied 'oh I would kill myself, no social scene, and if you are single and with no family how could you bare it?' Again it was the same old story as I'd had with the ex.

The final conversation I had that lead to a light bulb going off in my head was with my Gran. She is 66, recently widowed and though obviously very sad she is a social butterfly. She's joined book groups (I think three is slightly excessive) and is part of U3A which is a self-help trust for people in 'the third age' who want to take part in social events and learn more life skills after retirement etc. She used to be a member of the Women's Institute but hasn't joined again. She told me of a gay man who wanted to join a local WI branch and sadly wasn't allowed as he was male, it makes sense but in the deepest countryside caused a bit of a stir. So the light bulb went off and I thought 'what will I have when I am that old?' It might also have something to do with watching Jam & Jerusalem and Calendar Girls in the space of a few days too.

In my old age I hope to have a husband (preferably my partner – you never know) and children, but what about a social outlet that isn't the gay scene in terms of bars and clubs? What if I get widowed, what if he gets widowed, and what if you don't get married and have children? You could join the U3A (I don't think I would be welcomed with open arms in a Working Men's Club, maybe I'm wrong) wouldn't it be great if we had something for Gay Men though? In London you have places such as the House of Homosexual Culture which is brilliant; it's aimed at anyone who wants to "explore the shared cultural heritage of lesbian and gay people through a programme of events, activities and salons" or fabulous monthly nights like Polari as organised by Paul Burston and Dom Agius. However if you are in the sticks there is nothing. I searched the web and couldn't find anything… if you have any joy let me know.

So if no one else is doing it I thought 'bugger it' I will. I have set up a myspace www.myspace.com/thegaymensinstitute and am working through the ideas of how to get something on a nationwide scale organised with no money and using my own time, but hey that's a small price to pay. I am looking for volunteers who might be interested in helping me kick it all off, and am building a website. Oh by the way Gay Men's Institute is a temporary title as I want something snappier, but bear with it. So if you have any thoughts, suggestions or queries go to the site and let me know. After all wouldn't it be wonderful if we had a network like this, it wouldn't be all Jam & Jerusalem, but it could be a bloody good laugh in our elderly years and a real support, or even in our younger years, hell I've joined.

P.S Can everyone fee very sorry for me I have a really horrid cold, least am using my time wisely lol.

Reading Writing & Reviewing

So today has been busy. For lots of reasons some of which I cannot divulge (the BIG meeting) but some I can (what will probably be just a dull blog hahaha). I have been reading like a maniac. I am very privileged to be someone who gets paid to do reviews of books, I love books anyway and so it’s not really a hardship. I do this for New Books Magazine, and free ones for Waterstones all good on the CV (fingers crossed another paid job in a very literary mag is coming soon) and like I said I like books.

The current read is Sallie Day’s ‘The Palace of Strange Girls’ which is happily finished and on the bedside table now. It is a really good read and though I can’t give you a copy of my review I will say it’s a very good read and would be a good addition to any bookshelf. Bookshelves… I so need to get some at the moment in my flat there are 4 piles of lots of books and another 6 boxes. I can’t resist. You know this. Mind you I have been very good on the book buying front of late. They are comparing The Palace of Strange Girls to Kate Atkinson’s ‘Behind the Scenes at the Museum’ I personally didn’t like that book, though I love all the authors others, so I would say its better.

One fabulous thing about the book was that every chapter starts with one of the fabulous old ‘I Spy’ book quotes, all from a beach copy, as the little girl Beth is obsessed with them. I had forgotten these, and used to love them as a kid. You cant get them now I have put a picture of the only one I could find on eBay on this blog! It brought back that (though the book wasn’t set in the 80’s its in the 50’s) ‘punch car’, ‘the registration plate game’ and various other holiday games from my childhood. Am having a very deep and nostalgic few days at the moment. Have been thinking about Bong a lot too!

Other than that and a big meeting I have done two things; writing and brainstorming! I have been writing ‘the book’ and so far it is going really well, I am its biggest critic and think it could be better but this is only draft one and the characters are coming along nicely. It isn’t hard work at the lap top so that’s a good sign. I have been trying to have breaks away and re-reads but at only chapter three maybe I will hold off and just write the darn thing – read later.

The other thing I have been brainstorming is ‘The Bent Book Group’. This hasn’t been given the official ‘go ahead’ green light but I am desperately trying to make my editor see why I want to do it, any good arguments are most welcomed, I need all the help I can get! I am thinking how to do something from a monthly mag. It is proving difficult, my thoughts are a forum on the Bent website and maybe a group on myspace and facebook where people and give their feedback, if any of you can think about this and how else it could work again suggestions welcomed.

I think first author would like to feature is the lovely Mr Paul Burston, and then the delightful Stella Duffy, we shall see. The idea is then to also have a running interview or piece on the author and why they write there favourite books etc, what I basically want is to be Mariella Frostrup on The Book Show, which would be my dream job. So a creative, if a little dull to read back I am sure, day!

Notebooks

Tonight I watched a film after a recommendation from Spanielle called ‘The Notebook’ and it’s really made me think. Without giving too much away and spoiling it for those of you who haven’t seen it the film has an Alzheimer’s theme which all of you will know I have very strong feelings about. (If you didn’t know check out an earlier blog called Mindless Thoughtless.)

I am now thinking more and more there is something bigger that I need to do to demonstrate how shocking both dementia and Alzheimer’s is and remind people of it. I really want to make a documentary but I am not sure how to go about it so if anyone out there has any contacts in the media/TV world who I could talk to or liaise with, or if any of you want to get involved please let me know. Please!

The film title ‘The Notebook’ says a lot too. How many notebooks do I have? I cannot begin to count; anyone who writes or is creative will know or tell you that carrying a notebook EVERYWHERE is essential. I have one in every room, yes even in the bog… I get some great ideas in the bath. I actually had to stop in the yoghurt section of the supermarket the other day and make some notes (getting some odd looks) as a toffee yoghurt made me think of some small plot for something. I also use them to keep memories or dreams in, like the random one I had last night about dating Kylie Minogue. It was a marriage of convenience.

Memories and notes are why I also keep this blog, when I started it I didn’t think anyone would read it and some people still don’t, but those of you who do mean a lot to me so thank you. It may be something my children want to read, it may help other people (like when Bong died or when I had my op ‘downstairs’), it may just make people smile or think, it is also very much there for me, I can look back on last year and think blimey I did that? It also puts things in perspective. Maybe one day when my memories are going or indeed I have gone someone will read this and those memories will come alive and so will part of me. Who knows?

My Tooting High Street

Did anyone else watch the brilliant documentary on Channel 4 tonight called ‘My Street’? I have to say I was gripped (I did have to watch it on Channel 4 +1, as I am addicted to the new Dawn Porter series, more about that in a blog soon) from the start until the finish.

It was part of the Cutting Edge series which I have to admit I don’t tend to watch for fear of them being to high brow for me, I think I will watch more in the future. The film maker Sue Bourne decided that after years of living on her street and having met no one she would go to every one of the 100+ houses and try and find out more about people.

A fair few people thought that she was simply being ‘nosey’ and in all honesty in London most people would feel like that. The ones who didn’t however were on such a wide spectrum of society it was fascinating. There were large families, families dealing with a father with cancer, a millionaire – the laziest millionaire who doesn’t live or look like a millionaire, a 80+ man who live don his own and had no visitors, some authors, a drug addict or two, some very crazy New Zealanders and a women who was very successful and single but not really happy with the latter. There was a very sad story of a lad who had Tourette’s syndrome and as the show went on the worse he got and sadly he died, alone, with no one looking after him, none of the neighbours new he was even ill.

The story was fascinating. What do we really know about our neighbours? Other than a baby crying upstairs and the fact I like the neighbours downstairs as little as the last ones I know nothing about the 4 other flats that I share a hallway with let alone the other 224 buildings and their inhabitants, and some of those building have multiple flats like mine. I didn’t even know that no one had been living in one of the flats for the last 4 months until I was talking to the agents, I may move up there!

What must my neighbours have picked up from me? They know I sort the post out as one of them once came to see if I had taken something, so they also think I am the thieving type. They know I am gay as most of them came into the flat when the police raided us all and Mr B and I were in our matching dressing gowns. They know I am a cat lover, she never shuts up meowing at the door when I am out; maybe they think I am a cat punisher? Oh dear. Really they know a little but not a lot and what happened to the good old Nescafe days where you could pop to the next flat and get a cup of sugar as you had just run out and the guy was fit on the next floor… and the bloody corner shop charges you an arm and a leg?

I could go and make little ‘hello’ cards and slip them under their doors and down some of the street, but I feel that’s incredibly gay and also they probably couldn’t give a toss. I remember when I first moved to London and I thought wherever I lived would be like Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City, only in the UK. Where I would meet a fabulous Mrs Madrigal and have my very own Mary Ann and meet my very own Michael Tolliver (though in the TV show I always fancied his Dr boyfriend more) …or something. Alas I suppose that life is never quite as good as fiction, though having said that with all the characters in Sue Bourne’s street it would make an amazing novel.

The Brits...

...were a good laugh, the afterward parties were not the best, I am not going to divulge any gossip as I am trying to be good like that (for today) I will simply leave you with a picture of the effects of the night upon Mr B...


Sleeping deeply drunken with his VIP tag on! He'll kill me for uploading that, oh well he he he!

Tudor Tastic

I am currently debating getting a much corseted dress and a crown. No really! I have been lost in a world of dank dark corridors, back stabbing, tight pants and ego’s… no I haven’t spent the last few days on the gay scene non stop actually ha, ha, ha. No I seem to have been lost in the early years of the 1500’s. Lost in a time that I am actually realising I am fairly obsessed with. Yes the Tudor Period.

It’s been restarted from the latest ‘book group’ book ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ by Philippa Gregory. It’s taken me a while to read, not because I haven’t been enjoying it or that it’s too complex, but because I didn’t want to finish it. (Don’t worry I have now sorted this out by ordering ‘The Boleyn Inheritance’, ‘The Virgin’s Lover’ and ‘The Constant Princess’ from http://www.readitswapit.com/ so I will still be getting my fix). It’s brilliant and I simply cannot wait for the movie now, think will have to treat my Aunty Alice on the day it comes out as am up in Manchester that day. See its becoming an obsession.

In fact so obsessed was I that I dragged (actually he wanted to go) Mr B to Hampton Court Palace on Sunday. It took forever to get there, thanks to the appalling bus replacement service but was so worth it. The weather was gorgeous. I love Hampton Court I have been almost yearly since I came to London. There is something quite magical about it. I think it’s the fact there is so much history, all the addictions by King William and King George and the fabulous gardens. I got lost in the maze and think I saw a flicker of disappointment cross Mr B’s face when I managed to get out.

I was only interested in the Tudor sections quite happily aimlessly wandering through the oldest part of the castle in my own little world. Oh and laughing mercilessly when a woman dressed in a costume from the Tudor period turned the corner in front of Mr B and made him jump and let out the smallest and campest of screams.

Apparently as I have since been told I have always been fascinated in that period. (I also really love the Victorian Period) I was chatting to my mother about it and she said ‘oh you always loved it, I always joked you were reincarnated from that period, bloody Hardwick Hall three times a summer, or the Tower of London, or any stately home or castle from that period and you were happy as a pig in shit’ god love my mum and how being so young she’s so cool… and crass! The ‘cool’ is debateable.

It has made me think though, what if my fascination with the period and the fact I get so involved in it means I may have been reincarnated from then? I don’t think I believe in it, but who can say, maybe I should get regressed? Do you have any periods that you find haunting? Do you think it is reincarnation? Right think will pop to the shops and get ‘The Tudors’ DVD.

Mindless Thoughtless

I didn’t tell you about going to Kent two weekends ago did I? I took Mr B to see my Great Uncle Derek and Great Aunty Pat in Maidstone. When you go and visit them its not like your normal trip to see family with a lovely catch up and lovely Sunday roast. We had a lovely Sunday roast and catch up but Derek wasn’t there, he is in a home, he has Alzheimer’s.

Great Uncle Derek is like a second Granddad to me. He is eleven years older than my Gran yet they had the closest bond, like me and my ten year old sister I guess. He spent so much time with us in my childhood and also made me unable to drink Whiskey but that is a very long story. We would go on walking holidays in the summer, him memorising Sherlock Homes tales to keep me entertained on the ten mile days of Offa’s Dyke or the Dales Way. He even carried on walking after he slipped and broke his wrist so he could tell me tales.

Now he sits in a chair chewing on plates, putting his cardigan on his head like a scarf, looking at you with unseeing eyes and saying ‘I miss my mummy’, a Mum that he doesn’t even know has passed away. He doesn’t even know that Bong has died. He is in his own little world and it’s heartbreaking, not for him, but for all of us that see him like that, all of those with the memories we ant share with him. There are some lovely people in the home, characters you would like to write about, yes the book is on the way. Gladys who thinks she is the Queen. Jean 1 who sings nursery rhymes and wants a cuddle, Jean 2 who likes crayons and yet wants to be sent to bed – she has to wear a crash helmet as she has tantrums and hits her head on doors. There’s Doris who screams ‘are you going to kill me?’, Bob who tells all the nurses they are sluts one moment and that he loves them the next. Several who just sit and stare. There’s two women who I really feel for. One has just got depression but cant live on her own for the danger that she does to herself and her guests, nothing wrong with her other than that and she sits in what is like a film set of madness. The other who has very early dementia and whose family flew off to New Zealand leaving her to sit read her newspapers and every so often glance at her future, what is to come.

The nurses are wonderful and they don’t get paid enough believe you me. They comfort, they cook, feed, and they clean. The thing is they don’t ‘know’ these people. Aunty Pat and I were discussing this, the families should do biographies on their relatives lives so that the nurses have more insight into who they were or what some of their ramblings might be. For example Uncle Derek says ‘bang, bang, bang and you drop them there’ he used to navigate where bombs were dropped in the war. To someone else that would mean nothing.

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Happy Valentines Gay?

I always say every year like a true pessimist or negative thing ‘oh not bloody Valentines again’ I don’t think I like it. Until it arrives and suddenly (very like at Christmas) I get swept up by the marketing I hated so much and buy any heart shaped item I can lay my mitts on. Not this year though.

This year as Mr B was working ALL BLOODY DAY and I had a few interviews lined up for Bent we decided we would ignore Valentines Day until Sunday. When all we would do is buy a little something for each other, we would give each other cards on the day.

So imagine my surprise (if you can call it that in the inebriated state I was in) when I came home at 2am on Thursday morning, very no extremely, no ridiculously drunk, to find a my flat resembled something out of a Mills & Boon novel. Champagne on ice, several bouquets of flowers (actually I will add a picture) candles and a Storm pendant I have been dying to own for over a year! I think he was slightly disappointed when having gone to open and pour us a glass of bubbly each I was asleep on the bed fully dressed dribbling! What? It had been an impromptu night to Trannyshack with new pals Dan D and Michael T, I didn’t know.

So this today after being very ill in the morning, after interviewing the hilarious Clare Teal and doing some odds and sods in town, the heart fetish kicked in. He now has waiting for him heart shaped chocolates, two heart shaped mugs – we love a nice cuppa, a massive heart shaped card (no I hadn’t even got that until today after our pact, the traitor) a teddy carrying a big heart and his and his heart covered pants! I think that’s a job well done, maybe I can arrange our curry in heart shapes on the plates, or would that be going too far?

Zhooshy, Bonaroo, Dolly, Alamo, Ogle, Bona, Bungery… It’s All Polari

Last night I had a wonderful evening at the Green Carnation in Soho for a literary monthly event called ‘Polari’ organised by the fabulous Paul Burston (who I have finally said hello to for once hahaha) and Dom Agius.

It’s a great night to go to as each month a different author reads passages from their latest or chosen novel. Tonight was the wonderful Stella Duffy and her eleventh book is out this week called ‘The Room Of Lost Things’ and the parts she read were both touching, saddening, thought provoking and funny. In the flesh she was a lovely lady having a good old natter with everyone, a drink and a boogie too. You must check this book out; in fact you must check all of her books out so there.

Paul is a great host and does DJing with Dom, the tunes were a fabulous mix of 80’s to present day, I can’t think where else you would get Goldfrapps ‘A&E’, Pet Shop Boys ft Dusty Springfield, Sugababes ‘About You Now’, David Bowie’s ‘Let’s Dance’ and Destiny’s Child ‘Independent Women’ within the space of an hour.

That’s what’s so great about it its individuality. People are looking for something fresh on the Gay Scene and for people who like to lounge, mingle, network or if you are a book geek (I hold my hands up) or are organising the Bent Magazine Book Group (I hold my hands up again). There is also the chance to meet like minded people (I must say hello to ‘Madame’ who said ‘oh you’re myspace Simon’ in fact a few people did which felt lovely).

There were two things that summed the night up for me, the adverts tag line ‘come for the words, stay for music’ and Stella when she had finished reading said ‘its so nice to come somewhere that’s not just about drink and dancing but about the arts foremost’ and then Paul said ‘so lets get on with the drink and dancing’ and we all did.

A wonderful night, a huge congrats and stroke of genius to all involved in particular The Green Carnation, Paul Burston, Dom Agius and Stella Duffy.

The next one is March the 10th be there or be square!

A Weekend of Ups & Downs

Not writing too much as feeling a bit sad and shitty. You’ll understand why in a mo.

The Ups
- Saw The Feeling at GAY
- Mr B cornering Sophie Ellis Bextor and talking Brazilian worship of her album
- Fabulous time with Giorgia on Saturday in Ann Summers
- Seeing The Married Ex at one of my friends birthdays and him randomly being there
- Catching up with some of the Panto Boys
- Cloverfield, I thought it was absolutely amazing, Mr B didn’t.

The Downs
- Rowing with Mr B on Saturday night
- Rowing with Mr B all day Sunday

We never row and now he has gone to work and though we have made up now its just so sad that the only day we actually get together is Sunday and we have rowed (over visas, weddings, movies, where to eat – basic stress) and had no quality time together. What a poop weekend.

At least am off to see Ms McLarnon today, a good injection of time with a Pop Princess will cheer me up in my dullest hours, I’ll make sure I get a camp pic with her lol and add it later when I upload this!

Back & Bloody Busy

I arrived back in London. I had missed it. I grabbed a Starbucks, something so American and yet so London to me, and then I got on the Northern Line. I hate the Northern Line and people always find it funny that I have chosen to live on it. They don’t call it the misery line for nothing and indeed it was a misery as some bugger slammed into me and I was left with coffee all over my trousers and before I had to do an interview as well.

I was interviewing Deepest Blue whose first album had three of my favourite songs on it. They have been away for a while working on solo projects and now they are back. They were brilliant and they got me very drunk, what more could you want in an interview? We were at Bar Chocolate with lots of chocolate cocktails; you must go if you have chocoholic tendencies like I do.

Home for a swift shower and change and then I was back out to meet my sister for the opening of the new Nokia store and their new project Meet London ‘a unique exhibition that brings together the creative talent of four high profile Londoners representing film, music, sport and art to produce a series of one-off, intimate portraits that capture London in 2008’. It was a really good event though we didn’t see the Meet London exhibition. I did see Beverley Knight though and was too shy to say hello, this is one of my major flaws I get really shy suddenly for no reason.

I did the same when I went to the next party (my sister had to go home, her boots were too tight and high) with Mr Moon. It was the Gaydar Radio’s 6th Birthday Party at Lo-Profile and as I was going in the lovely Mr Burston was coming out and shock horror, I didn’t say hello just smiled in some weird way. He must have thought what a random odd bod. I didn’t go in to the party in the end as they had started to charge, I didn’t wanna be a prick and get my press pass out so we went to GAY Bar by which time after chocolate cocktails and champers I was bloody mullered. I came home and seemed to have sobered up and here I am, am feeling slightly ropey now so think I need to go to bed. Night!

Stepping Back In Time

Today my Gran and I went to Eyam, I don’t know if you have heard of it but it is one of the most beautiful and historical little villages in Derbyshire. It was also one of the only places apart from London to be hit by the Black Plague.

It was somewhere we had been when I was a child, Gran Bong and I, and it has always held a special place in my mind. It fascinates me that from a parcel of clothes dangerous and killing bacteria was warmed by a fire and then one by one the villagers started to die.

What I find most touching is the fact that the entire village cut itself off from everyone so that even though it was killing them it would never kill anyone past the ‘boundary stones’. Everywhere you go there are plaques reminding you of the sites and deaths that would have been witnessed there, and even though it was a stunningly beautiful day today you can still feel a hint of the past in the air.

It’s made me start to think as to what could be a new book idea… I know I know I have so many of them but never take them further. Well I’ve a feeling this one I think is going to stick, time will tell I guess as I also have a really complex one that has come to mind after Sundays events. I haven’t written about Sunday, I will when I get back. You cant blame me for getting caught up in a small town, where we ate in a haunted pub, that has seen so much history. Inspirational.

The Social Whirl of Matlock

I am back up north having a break in Matlock with my Gran and its been a complete social whirlwind on day one. I nearly missed the train as St Pancras International has completely changed again and it’s a bit of a maze, a stunning one though.

I arrived and Gran seemed really pleased to see me which always makes you feel nice, she had bought me the campest Christmas presents. A glittery jewelled dustpan and brush, some Spice Girl books and a book on writing, she knows her eldest grandson so well. She seems to be coping as well as someone can who has been so recently widowed. Busy would be the word I would use for her lifestyle. Incredibly busy maybe too busy.

Caz came round with Alfie. We had a fabulous soup with amazing savoury scones that I must get the recipe for, oh out pops the middle aged Simon again. Alfie is hilarious he naturally asked where Mr B was consistently, he is a massive fan. He also wanted to play football for about three hours.

We have just gotten back from a lovely evening with some of Gran’s oldest friends. The legends that are Bernie and John who used to live next door to Gran and Bong and now live five houses down on the new road. They are hilarious and love a drink. I wont go into the details of the whole evening I will just go with some classic Bernie quotes… now remember she is 63.

On her husbands first child meeting their children ‘he wet the bed for weeks and one night he came down with his brothers and said Mummy I will live with you if you and Daddy split up and he will live with Daddy. I thought bloody hell we’ve ruined the poor little bastards lives’.

On me having kids in the future ‘oh fuck that Simon, get a dog’.

On gay men ‘I just love them, I lived on Old Compton Street for a while, best nights of my fucking life’.

When Gran was drunk and talking rubbish ‘in the nicest way Dot, shut the fuck up’.

Now that is a gay icon, and shows you that you can have fun in your sixties a time I was originally not sure I was looking forward to. Thank god for people like Bernie.

On Chesil Beach

It was book group tonight. The book in question was Ian McEwan’s ‘On Chesil Beach’, a book I have had to read today as I was trudging through ‘The Instance of The Fingerpost’ for bloody ages. I have done the unthinkable and quit the book 300 pages in but as I still had 400 to go and wanted to do anything BUT read I just shelved it.

I love, love, loved this book. I thought it was superb. I know people have moaned about the length of the book but books don’t have to be a certain length do they? Do we now have to hire people at publishers who only let books that are over 1000 pages long be published or accepted, I think not.

What stuck out from the book for me was the whole was sex was perceived back then. The book is set in the late 50’s/early 60’s. Its on the wedding night of a couple who are in love but have no idea of what happens when you have sex and is a tale of the emotional journey they go through, from excitement to fear, to shock and horror. I won’t give anything away.

I mean look at us now. Humans on the whole be you gay, straight, bi, whatever. Sex is everywhere; you only need to go to the back of many gay magazines and call a number and sex is there. Open your computer and surf the net and sex can be found so easily then too. So I really felt for these people. Not because they couldn’t have sex before marriage, mind you me and Mr B were there before we officially started dating, but the naivety of it all, it must be terrifying.

The venue was ‘The Mermaids Tail’ a new fish and chip restaurant in Leicester Square that looks tacky as sin when you walk past but is actually really nice and does great fish and chips and brilliant mushy peas. You can have a deep fried Mars Bar for pudding too I didn’t go that far. The book brought up some great debates, we are much concerned that Kaylord is now following the book ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ like it’s the bible but that’s another story. Next book group book is The Other Boleyn Girl, maybe we will eat in The Tower Of London.

Reunions

It’s been a big week for reunions this week. Yesterday saw me catching up with Miss Curtis after a ridiculous 9 months. We met up in town yesterday and it was like we had never been apart and ended up in some very funny (well we thought they were funny) photos of us both being crazy Britney’s.

After seeing Miss Curtis I then was reunited with some old Milkround people at the delight that is Chancery Lane Station, it seemed really, really odd being back there and seeing people and knowing that I am not a part of their daily work routine, the lucky buggers. I was meeting Muffintop as we were off to see Aviv Geffin at Shepherds Bush Hall. I have never been there but it’s a really nice venue. Its well away from everywhere else in Shepard’s Bush, we actually went to the wrong three venues first.

It looks like a house from the outside but once you are in it’s like a massive old ballroom. Aviv was brilliant he sounds a mix of Stereophonics , Placebo, Robbie and Maroon 5 which sounds odd but its brilliant. He is in exile from his country of origin Israel for the political views he has on Israel’s freedom and the fact he was there when the president was shot, a president whose views he backs 100%. The music is brilliant and you should really check him out.

Randomly I was reunited with one of the PR guys I deal with at Bent. He sorted all of Afrika, Afrika out for me and has now promised me he will get me seats near Madonna when she goes. We went to the party after where I met the fabulous Leisa and Kate. Randomly Aviv is managed by the same people as Atomic Kitten who I was a huge fan of in my ‘gay youth’. So now I have wangled some tickets to their reunion gig on Saturday.

Today has been a lovely reunion with Mr Moon who I used to go out with 8 years ago. It had been so long that until he reminded me why we had split up; the memory is going in my old age. We had a really nice meal in Balan’s a very long and drunken reunion all in all. So as you can see the whole week has been full of reunions. Oh bar one which has been cancelled, no Panto reunion tomorrow sadly.

What A Wake Up Call!!!!!!!!

This morning was one of the rudest wake up calls I think I have ever received, and one of the most bizarre and dramatic. All I heard at 8.30am was a loud massive banging on the door and then ‘police’ now that is not the sort of wake up call that you expect of a morning.

Naturally there was then a mammoth scramble out of bed by myself and Mr B. We let them in and were shown a warrant to search the premises and one of the badges. As Mr B said afterwards ‘it was like being on The Bill’. Basically they were searching the premises for some reason (we weren’t allowed to be told) but once they had seen our passports got our full names, dates of birth and had a cup of tea they then left us to be sat very dazed and confused. What a mystery.

Have just got in from a night out with G. We had a lovely coffee, great Chinese, great chat and some lovely wine, so from bizarre to divine in one day, how random.

Oh and I got the promo for the new Goldfrapp album... its amazing!

Time Out on the Thames

Today has been one of those days where you really appreciate London. I met up with Jez for lunch (the first person that I have seen from Panto since it’s all been over) we were both late and I had for gotten there were two WHSmiths.

We had a nice meander down to the river under the arches (apparently Pleasuredrome is there, not that I have been there – honestly) and down by The National and then along the front, past one of my favourite parts of London. The book stalls that are under the bridges. I love them, mainly because as people will know all too well I am a book addict. I almost physically can’t help myself but buy the books, as my flat sadly shows with its piles and piles of unpacked boxes.

We had a nice lunch at Gourmet Pizza on Gabriel’s Wharf, another favourite part of London for me, and had a good gossip about all things pre and post Panto. It was interesting to get his take on all the highs ad lows from the whole thing. The reunion has been shifted and he’s not sure he can make it which is a shame. I must try harder to stay in touch with Chris P and the like; I have been a bit shit!

We then headed for a coffee before his next audition at the Old Vic; I actually really want to see the new play that’s coming on there with Kevin Spacey in it. In fact I wouldn’t mind trying to get hold of him for Bent. Anyways we wandered round realising that we couldn’t find any coffee bars around that part of Waterloo. We managed to find a sauna (Chariots) though as Jez is straight and I am taken we weren’t tempted. It’s been a good day. I haven’t done any work mind.

When We Get Old & Gay

I am not mentioning Emirates, am not going in February, enough said.

I met up for a long and boozy lunch with The Ex today. We went to a pub local to me, he only lives down the road so it wasn’t a trek for him, and it’s sort of a gay pub and yet doesn’t advertise itself as one. It’s also quite an odd job place. No chairs or tables match, there isn’t a theme to the place and I don’t think they have heard of central heating. The food is really good though. I had a massive burger.

Sadly The Ex is having a bit of a hard time. His current fella who was actually his boyfriend before me has had an affair of sorts. He even advertised the fact on Facebook. I don’t particularly like the guy I am being very supportive and being a sound board though. No comments of ‘he’s a tit’ or ‘well you shouldn’t have your rejects back’ from me.

What came out of the whole conversation is that The Ex now thinks he is ugly, a loser and basically is feeling like shit. What also came up was what happens to us if we end up alone in our 50’s? Now I don’t want some people to start gay bashing the gay but it is something to think about. I mean with no family planned and a partner The Ex now thinks he will end up alone and he’s not a major gay scene fan. He doesn’t like Gaydar and OutEverywhere is now becoming the new Gaydar. So what do we have? I am perplexed at this, I mean what if I get widowed or Mr B does? What do we do? I have not been able to get the thought out of my head. Yes we have friends and yes there are the bars and clubs, there should be something else, and what that is I will be looking into. I feel there should be something that I can do.

Irate With Emirates

Ok mind my language but I am fucking livid at the moment. This won’t be a long blog as I am too upset. I was meant to be going to Australia on the 10th of February and was really looking forward to the whole thing, had organised time off and so had Mr B. Now when you read the below please bear in mind that this trip was meant to be a first prize from Emirates.

I had a strange call from Emirates last week saying that there had been some problem and that everything was fine, now I found that odd, if there had been a problem and it was resolved without telling me why should I care? They also said someone would phone me on Monday as a courtesy call. No one did so by 5pm I phoned them.

‘Oh Mr Savidge, we were going to phone you, its very embarrassing but there was a problem with the computer system and we have sold your tickets’. I was majorly pissed off. They then promised it would be sorted for the next day to fly (since when did first class ever sell out – you can buy the tickets today online a fact I have mentioned, they are mystified) and they would call back. End of yesterday still not heard a word.

Spoke to them today. They can do the 20th or the 10th of March. Is there not something wrong with that? It’s a competition the planes aren’t sold out. I was then offered economy, to which I said ‘ok… then as it’s a prize can I have the cash difference?’ They changed tack then and said they would get back to me, they haven’t. Livid!

Tutankhamen & The Kite Runner

The title of today’s blog sounds a little bit like it should be a children’s adventure story its not, maybe it’s an idea though. In the excitement of the Spice Girls I forgot to tell you all about the Tutankhamen Exhibition that I went to first, it’s in London for an age and as we both had the day off Mr B and I decided that we would go as it’s cheaper during week days.

Well… he wasn’t even bloody there. I mean it’s an amazing exhibition but it’s not worth £20. I was really disappointed, is it me or does everyone think that you will actually see him after all the fuss the media has caused? I am really into the Egyptians and so I was quite bitterly disappointed frankly. Mind you I am also the first person to say ‘they should leave him alone and in peace and have some respect for the dead.’ So if you are expecting to see him save your money.

Something I was not disappointed by was ‘The Kite Runner’. I loved the book (even though I hated the main character I guess that’s the idea) and so as a treat took myself to the cinema today as a break from work. I thought it was brilliant. The two boys are amazing actors and the story is quite a harrowing tale and I didn’t think two young actors might be able to do it, also there’s been all that controversy around it, but they were both incredible. I don’t normally think movies do a book justice this one was just how I had imagined it would be. So go see it and I promise you’ll think it’s great. An afternoon well spent.

They Spiced Up My Life

Tonight was the night I had been waiting for and I had been waiting for months! I finally got to see the Spice Girls concert. Most of you who know me will know that I was a MAJOR fan of the girls, it almost bordered on obsession when I was in my mid teens. I had been to every tour they had done in the UK (twice on the World Tour with and without Geri) anyway tonight we went and saw.

I have been to the O2 quite a few times of late but never in the actual arena and they have done a brilliant job. We’d had an upgrade after ‘the interview’ and so we would have not been in the gods but quite high up as it was we got big seats and a really good view. The audience went wild before the show started as David Beckham came in with the kids and everyone was taking photo’s left right and centre.

The show started and the screaming was just immense. The whole show was amazing they belted through Spice Up Your Life, Say You’ll Be There, Stop and Headlines in the same outfits and then it was almost a new outfit every song. Victoria Beckham was smiling constantly, Mel B was raucous, Mel C was vocally stunning, Emma was… Emma and Geri was loving it to death totally taking the stage in her stride. Apart from when she fell over in ‘It’s Raining Men’.

Highlights for me were all the solo pieces (I love Emma’s ‘Maybe’) that they did, including the Catwalk that Victoria did as she wouldn’t sing. It was very much her taking the piss out of herself… and the audience goes crazy when she sings which I think is hilarious. ‘Viva Forever’ and ‘Holler’ as my favourite songs were for me the best bits, particularly ‘Viva Forever’ as they had made it really Latino. The opening was spectacular as well.

It was all too soon time to go home, I had to endure Mr B in a Spice Girls t-shirt on the tube, he hadn’t been to a concert like that before, mainly beach party type gigs, it blew him away. I felt a bit depressed after, there’s Kylie in the summer though.

The Lady Who Gave Off Evil

Mitch came down this weekend. Friday was deadline day and I had a whole load of stuff to send of to GH. I then got reminded that ‘deadlines are there so that you have a last day of completion however Simon deadlines are something you should try and achieve before hand, even sending a constant stream of stuff’ whoops. I’ll be better next month. I hope. No I will.

So anyway Mitch came down this weekend as we had planned a weekend of writing and also we wanted to audition for Big Brother on the Sunday, well it’s the open auditions. It is now Sunday and I can vouch that me and Mitch have not been to the auditions as we have been far too a) busy watching Most Haunted an addiction of ours and it seems ours alone b) lazy c) hungover. Plus I found you can audition online so I will be doing that thanks very much.

We spent yesterday firstly in one of my new favourite places in London; it’s a greasy spoon on my road about 3 minutes from my house with a massive shit yellow sign and possibly the hottest (nuclear) tea/coffee in London. One sip and your mouth it healing for weeks, but it does amazing breakfasts for cheap and I love it in there. In fact I have spent a few happy Sunday mornings in there reading the previous Saturday’s literary bits from the newspapers.

We then headed to The British Museum which is really important to the whole book of COPL1. Oh prior to that we spent about half an hour deciding what pens we should write with in the new glitter-tastic notebooks that I had bought for us. We were both aligned that a writer’s pen is very important to the creation process, nothing to do with just having strange stationary fixations then? Mitch then felt ill which lead to almost a day long joke about her being pregnant which she was unimpressed by, can’t think why.

We did get some amazing inspiration from one of the rudest women I have ever seen who actually seemed to give off a poisonous air about her and has now become the face of our evil villainess. So thank you horrid lady who was exceptionally rude to the Chinese Tourist’s who could barely speak English and didn’t understand you. You made our day. Actually the bare bottoms in the Greek section also helped.

Got home, whacked a Chilli out, drank three bottles of wine and watched a solid 5 hours of Most Haunted before another 4 hours this morning with Mr B’s Brazilian Scrambled Eggs, there is nothing like them, so delicious. So all in all it’s been a perfect weekend. Oh and I don’t have to go to an office tomorrow, life is good.

Afrika! Afrika!

Last night I was at my first premiere event and it was a bloody brilliant night. I am not going to d o a major review on here as I am doing that for a later edition of Bent so you can bloody well go out and get the fabulous mag.

I took Spanielle which was really nice as we didn’t get to have a good catch up when she came to see me in Panto. We had a lovely meal at Pizza Express in the O2, I seem to live there at the moment and a really good catch up on everything before heading down my very first red carpet… sorry but I am finding this all very exciting.

The show is not in the actual O2 Arena itself but in some huge funking tents on one side of the O2 so you go in and out of the actual Dome if that makes sense. We went in and shoved the stuff in the cloakroom before making our way swiftly to the VIP tent. No one took any photos of us on the red carpet. Yet they did for Vanessa Feltz, a Sienna Miller look-alike who seemed very sweet and yet I had no clue who she was, Samanda, Chantelle (who now looks like Jordan), Nancy what-a-face and Kate Middleton. I also saw someone I swore I worked at the Millennium Dome and who I wanted to say hello to but had vanished by then.

I had been privileged to see a few choice highlights on Tuesday when I had been at the press conference. We went in and any seat you get you can see the whole show, I had better seats than some of the celebrities which made me happy on the inside. The delights you will see are the man who can hold litres of water and spray them like a human fountain, a woman who can literally slither under and over herself like a snake, amazing dancing, and unicycle basketball. Seriously it is over 2 hours of amazing stuff; check my review in March or April’s edition.

We ate a lot of free food, particularly the white chocolate fountain and strawberries and then drank too much, I remember saying to DC2 that I would stay and take some photos with various people, then I was then suddenly on the tube very, very drunk and then laughing at a man weeing on London Bridge Jubilee Line platform and saying very loudly he had ‘a little willy.’ And I wonder why I have such a headache today!?

Go see Afrika, Afrika… its amazing I promise you that you will be left with a dropped jaw and it’s worth every penny.

Lust, Caution

I have to say I now have a new favourite cinema. The Curzon in Soho… well on Shaftsbury Avenue, and I don’t just love it because it was free. I have been in the café lots of times as one of Mr B’s best mates runs the bar and we get nice treats and bits on the odd occasion (that sounds better than all the time) they do the most amazing Sausage Rolls! Really you should try them they are something else.

No it’s the whole place, it’s not the most expensive cinema, it’s not the cheapest either, it is just so relaxed. No rushing to get your popcorn, or organic coated raisins that they sell. No mad dashes for seats and you aren’t told you have to sit anywhere. There is a feel of real love for all things film, even the toilet walls are posters from random films both modern and classic… and random, not like in Odeon where it’s a constant advert. There is also loads of room in your seats, a fabulous bar and lounge and its just great, does that deserve me a free lifetime pass?

The movie I had blagged/begged tickets for was Ang Lee’s new film Lust Caution (which should actually be Lust, Caution) and it’s brilliant. Yes there is lots of sex in it but it should be there as it helps tell the relationship story more in depth. Its not there just to shock its there to tell the story. The film is stunning and considering I don’t like (or thought I didn’t) foreign films, which is very narrow minded of me, I really enjoyed and got involved in the film and the characters. Great, great movie, rush out and see it.

Other than watching that gem, I had a lovely lunch with Big Sis and it was book group this evening at La Tasca in Covent Garden, we have now decided that we have to eat somewhere either the writer is from or the book is based, we have been reading ‘Winter in Madrid’. The food was great but the waiter was a complete freak and I am still bloody deaf from sodding panto so couldn’t keep up with the conversation, which as you can imagine greatly vexed me. I have chosen next months and it’s ‘On Chesil Beach’ by Ian McEwan so I now have to think of somewhere ‘English’ to go.

Oh the bloody BT hub was left on the street all last night that’s why I couldn’t find the bloody thing took me several hours to get to the bottom of that! Who leaves a sodding expensive thing like that on the street, I have lodged a complaint, I swear I am getting old aged. Anyways it should be working tomorrow, it better bloody had be am sick of spending so much money on the rip off internet cafe.

Bloody BT

Ok I am livid, I have never been so vexed with a company in my entire life span – that is actually debatable but anyway that’s not the point! So today Mr B had sorted out a morning off so my flat could have a landline as I was going to my first press conference. Yes I have finally had the joys, but it pails into nothing after all that’s gone on.

So I phoned him from the O2 wanting to know if the internet would be working today (as now this is my job really I need it to be working from the go as I am on deadline week) and he said ‘oh I haven’t asked’ so after me then asking him to ask – tut, men – he then tells me that ‘the guy says the internet arrives in the post’. This didn’t seem quite right to me but I let it go.

I got home, line sorted, in a stupid place. Then I noticed no hub. So we had a landline and no wires, no phone and really no use of the thing. We went out and bought a lovely £50 phone (I wanted the £19.99 one but was given a look) then I thought no I will phone BT; this would have been the best idea sooner in hindsight. The announced that the hub should arrive today and it could actually be with me now if not it would be here by 6pm. Fucking wasted trip then wasn’t it really? I said this to them as there twatting engineer had said sweet nothing.

So then I had a hunt and no sign of the hub, no sign at 5.55pm so I phoned. ‘You need to phone the delivery company’ so I did. ‘Oh, it might be with you by seven… or maybe by nine.’ Now none of this made sense to me why would a company say 6pm, then 7pm and then 9pm. No hub at 9pm so phoned them back and received an automated system telling me ‘the office shuts at 6pm and reopens at 8am’. Ok I was furious and nearly threw the new phone across the room. The story will continue at 8am tomorrow…

So It’s All Over/The Withdrawal

Well it came and it went, the hurricane called Panto has now vanished from my life. I couldn’t write this weekend as was two shows Saturday and a whole lot of sleeping on Sunday.

Friday night’s performance was good. The audience were really quiet though. I mean they laughed in the right places and got involved but it was very ‘British’ by that I mean a little reserved. We didn’t go out after though quite a few of us were in the mood. It isn’t the biggest theatre or anything but when you have finished the show you are on a bit of a high and the urge to go out is quite strong.

Saturday’s shows were both BRILLIANT! We had quite a lot of children in the audience so that really made the whole thing go. Panto is for kids really after all, and the kids in us I guess. The feedback we’ve had since Thursday is great. Saturday evening was just fantastic and by the end of it we didn’t want to come off the stage, I got a shout out for G congratulating her on her wedding! She wasn’t best pleased she’s trying to keep it a secret.

We had some after show drinks in the bar downstairs, there was a row which was hilarious, and I think it had been building up. Me and D decided it was time to get very, very drunk. It didn’t work. We were shortly dragged upstairs to dismantle the set and help pack it away. Funnily enough the bloody set designer who vanished was now back to revel in how good it looked. No one spoke to him.

So now it’s over. I am feeling a little bereft. I am missing the people, the nerves, the fun and just the whole ‘chaos’ that I have lived with and enjoyed so much in the last few weeks. We are all planning a reunion in February which will be really nice and I am sure we’ll all be in touch on the joy that is Facebook!



I slept for hours yesterday, I think my body just needed the rest, I have been ‘edgy’ the last few weeks apparently. Now I have to get my arse in gear and get everything off for Bent’s February edition, I have been a little lame on that front. The word ‘deadline’ is ideally when things should be with the editor at the latest; I have been using that as the last few days to madly get sorted.

Oh speaking of pieces for Bent. I had a very random interview with Andy Scott Lee on Friday. He is exceptionally lovely and very shy and we did it in a rather mad place… best guess gets a prize though I am not quite sure what yet… but have a guess!

…And The Nerves Hit

Tonight I had a lot of my friends in and it was the worst night for my nerves. I was waiting behind the curtains and I have never had nerves like that in my life. I honestly thought there might be some touching cloth going on! You don’t need to know that. I messed up once with a routine that I completely forgot whoops!

Afterwards we went to the pub on the corner of Blackfriars the one that Bridget Jones lived above in the movies. Its really nice there and they do Pie Days, me and Mitch nearly wet ourselves with glee. It was really lovely to see the gang. Thank you all for coming!

Did I Say There Could Be No More Drama?

Ok, so the show was going amazingly tonight, seriously we all knew our parts, danced the right way, sang beautifully, it was going great. Until the chase scene before the interval, then everything went wrong, and an ambulance was called.

The chase scene in the laundry has been an ongoing issue. There hasn’t been the time to rehearse it much and we’ve had bashed heads and trips before when they have given it a go. Tonight Widow Twanki tripped into the basket and ripped his knee out, vile and I imagine bloody painful. I didn’t know he had had a heart attack when he was 30.

We were all sat nattering in the dressing room and he was carried in dress and all, wig followed and the place went a bit mad. An ambulance was called, I tried to undress the dame and we just all went a bit crazy. Then we all got the hysterics. Then we went very solemn. Then Mr Am Dram took charge as usual, he’s been pissing me and D off so much, he’s lovely but he just suddenly takes control. People were discussing who would do the role, and who would do that persons role. I went and sat with the dame instead. The ambulance arrived and he was off, we then told the audience. I was glad I told my mates not to come; still I was home by 9.30pm.

Will the show go on? Watch this space…

Opening Night

I think I might have to write a TV drama about a Panto organised and starring gay women and men – oh and straight man, sorry Jezza! It would make a brilliant French & Saunders like comedy for the BBC. I am on the case believe me.

So tonight was opening night and it went… interestingly. I hope the audience got the 50% off that SS2 was discussing in the dressing room. I had to dress the Dame, I have never had to dress anyone before, and I have never had to undo some of the outfits he wore and I hadn’t been shown the order to do them. That was my main drama. The nerves so far have been fine.

Tonight as one of the reviewers put it was ‘comical chaos’. No one knew what they were doing, the lights were wrong and the music went loud and silent; I was wetting myself at the back with D. So I had fun. I think tomorrow should be fine, we can’t have anymore drama’s can we?

Right am off to start writing my comedy for the BBC.

What A F***ing Palaver!

I am slightly down and disheartened today. I have also had the weekend from Panto hell. I so wanted to quit. Like a resolute and good person I haven’t and have fucking pulled my weight and beyond this weekend.

Saturday had a wander around High Street Kensington to spend money and didn’t before going to rehearsal, got lost was late, so what. Oh well being late was a massive drama, and Dawny Owl was even later and we’d had to start without her. I then got told off for not knowing where I was from the man who still doesn’t know his lines, I wanted to tell him to ‘bog off’ but thought that was quite immature. It all ended up being good fun; I just was so tired I couldn’t wait to get home. Was meant to do something for Bent but having to be at the theatre at 9am on a Sunday I cancelled.

Sunday was when the fun really began. The set arrived, unpainted, we knew this as we were already prepared to paint (bless Mr B he came along too – so he could spend the day with me) we just hadn’t realised how much or the fact that we were expected to stay until 10 or 11pm. And then the set designer walked out…

Seriously, we had no idea where he had gone or how to put the set together. There is one thing I will say people bloody pulled together, we left at 10.30 as it was just getting too late. We were back again today and it looks great. I think everyone deserves a pat on the back and we’ve now bonded as a team as we’ve not really been out together or even been introduced in some cases ha. So that’s been good. Now all I want is bed and sleep, not forgetting the fact its first night and we’ve not had a dress or technical rehearsal yet! This is real drama at its best.

The Rehearsals

It’s been a week of rehearsals for the panto which is interesting as we go on stage next week. It had been planned that some of the chorus would all meet up for some vocal and dance rehearsals this week anyway. It bugged me that we got a days warning before a week of our social lives going, maybe we aren’t meant to have any. Anyways is all fine as we have done them every night and the show is sort of taking shape.

It is interesting rehearing for a fringe item, we do it where we can when we can… hang on isn’t that the story of my personal life? Oh no, course its not, hem, hem. So far we have been in Transport for London and National Aids Trusts head offices which have been unusual, least there was free tea and coffee. The spaces were very small which wasn’t great and the chorus are still bundled off (like we don’t count) maybe I am just being a bit mardy lol.

You can tell tempers are getting frayed. Tonight SS2 got very annoyed that we had changed a few bits and bobs, when the directors not there what are you meant to do? We also learnt a new dance routine (some of it is not great if am honest) and that was hilarious. Calculated chaos we will call it. In fact that’s what the whole rehearsal schedule should have been called, is fun though.

Last night nearly pissed my pants. We had to do the whole rehearsal in character and take it really seriously. So the chorus all got called Bob… no comment. We also weren’t allowed to talk if we weren’t on stage (well in the boardroom). So naturally we all did and got a bollocking by Mr Am-Dram himself. So Jezza kicked off ‘I have worked with Judi Dench and we chatted as much as we liked’ good god I think Jezza is hilarious and he only said what we were all thinking!

So tomorrow we are in some Church Hall, gays in a Church Hall, someone won’t be impressed! It’ll be the full run through, hoorah, bugger is only 4 days to go, and I still don’t know when I walk on stage at all.

My First Ever Interview... Well First Published

It was with Russell T Davies but the bugger is too big t put up full size the swine!

Making 2007 All About Me, Me, Me!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Organised a funeral, ha, that’s a happy way to start. I also got blindfolded around London on a double decker bus. Unusual.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. Hopefully someone will be this year though.

3. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, as I am sure you will all know the man who I considered to be like a father (though actually my Granddad) died aged 68 of cancer, and in 7 weeks. Horrid!

4. What countries did you visit?
England, I didn’t go bloody anywhere else.

5. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
I would like more freelance work, though that went up at the end of the year. I would like more time with Alex, and I would like to do more random stuff.

6. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 30th – not saying why.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Oh, getting to become the ‘London Office’ of Bent Magazine that was fabulous. Also being there for someone who was very sick and making their time special.

8. What was your biggest failure?
I didn’t do as well at staying in touch with some people I would have liked to seen more.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well… I had a big operation on my tackle!

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Oh god I don’t know, maybe my new TV and DVD recorder. Oh and my blender, so simple but has changed my life.

11. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
You know who you are! There are several of you.

12. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
George Bush – I don’t think I need to elaborate.

13. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, Primark and ticketmaster.

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Sadly one of the things was the Spice Girls reunion, I was a major fan what can I say. Alice’s wedding was a huge excitement. I love a wedding!

15. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Let Me Think About It – Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grande

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? A mixture for obvious reasons.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the f-ing same which is shoddy.
iii. richer or poorer? Erm at the mo richer, which could soon change lol.

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Telling people what I think (both nice and not so), seeing people that I just haven’t managed to but are in the same city!

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being so bloody indecisive. Moaning, I do that too readily.

19. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I fall more in love everyday.

20. How many one-night stands?
None.

21. What was your favourite TV program of 2007?
Kath and Kim or Most Haunted as ever. Oh and I discovered Suburban Shootout which is a gem.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Quite possibly, though hate is a very strong word.

23. What was the best book you read in 2007?
It was Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. It’s now my second favourite book ever.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery of 2007?
Oh now that’s a difficult one. I might not say a band I might just say Zshare as it helps me download lots of new finds. If it had to be music… oh I can’t.

25. What did you want and get?
A Nintendo DS, I haven’t really used it as much as thought I would.

27. What was your favourite film of 2007?
I liked Atonement, but I loved Stardust.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got very drunk and had a fabulous dinner with my mother and friends. Then went clubbing and got glittered. I was 25.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Leaving Milkround and getting a deal after almost quitting six months before.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
A Passion for Primark.

31. What kept you sane?Alex and all my friends, my family drive me the other way.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmm, Bruce Willis or Colin Farrell I would say.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Anything that twat Bush does, oh and Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, who gave a monkey’s?

34. Who did you miss?
Bong.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Giorgia.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
You should live life to the full as you never know what happens. Stop saying no, yes’ can bring you lots of new experiences and people into your life.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone, I hear you call my name, and it feels like home – the old ones are always the best.

Happy Nude 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes it’s a New Year! And I am feeling older and more hungover than I think I did last year, but then I say that every single year!

Last night was a brilliant night out, we ate some truly brilliant food, sadly the waiters were twatted which was a bit pants. I know I shouldn’t be such an old woman and complain but they are getting paid double or treble what they normally would be to provide a service and most of them were screaming all night and running around, normally in Balan’s I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I do love that restaurant.

The low point of the evening was when some very, very drunk and very, very bad drag queen came over and started to hit on all the men, some of them looking very sick and/or uncomfortable, believe me she wasn’t pretty. She then also divulged her sex life (which was even unprettier) and her drug habit (unprettier still) so maybe Mr Balan’s would like to not let that happen next year? It was then onto GAY Late where I used my Press Pass to get into somewhere for the first ever time. That’s good going that is! I might use it a bit more in 2008. We’ll see.

So have I made any New Years Resolutions? Well I looked at last years and let’s see how many I kept shall we?

1. To be more frugal – NO CHANCE2. To love myself and respect myself a bit more – DIDN’T REALLY HAPPEN3. To write my novel – HA!4. To bullshit less – MID YEAR NO, NOW ALL GONE5. To see more of my family and friends – SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT
6. To rid myself of dramatic so called 'friends' - KINDA7. To make more friends – YES, YES, YES!!!!8. To have one big f**k off holiday – AS IF9. To push myself harder and further in work and personal life – YES! 10. To see the good in people and be a bit less of a bitch - SLIGHTLY11. To keep my resolutions! – NOPE!

So after that funnily enough I am making only TWO this year!

1. Say ‘yes’ a lot more than I say no, be open to things I wouldn’t normally do.
2. Live life to the full.

They have been learnt from 2007!

…And so now to my pit of hangover and despair and laziness, take-away and sleep.
Happy New Year Everyone! Make 2008 the best year ever!

The Last Day of 2007

I can’t believe it’s the end of another year. So much has happened, both good and bad. In a lot of ways I have to say I will be glad to say goodbye to this year as it has been a tough one and I am also thinking next year is going to be amazing! Well it better bloody had be!

So with that in mind and new starts on my brain I have enroled at the gym! Yes Simon is going to try and get fit. I have to say that ‘Calvin’ frankly couldn’t be arsed to train me at all which really annoyed me as to be honest when you are paying £49 a month for an ex local leisure centre the staff could be a little more friendly. There’s no contract with this place so if it doesn’t impress I will leave.

The exercises they want me to do look far too long and daunting too! I mean considering I have done no exercise for sodding months they want me to do the cross runner for 15mins, then the treadmill for 15mins then the bike for 15mins. Plus 3 sets of 12 on various torture devices, I mean weights. However the new improved positive Simon of 2008 will find it all wondrous I am sure.

I am now just back from ‘Snow White’. I took Mr B to see his first ever pantomime thanks to the ex. We went to his theatre (Wimbledon) to see it and I have to say I was sadly disappointed. There was no dame which is always a downer for a panto frankly. The cast was ok with Ross Kemp (who I wrongly quite fancy) and Willow, you know the dwarf? The stage just seemed really empty all the time and Bobby Davro always pisses me off. I think he thought it was his very own live show. Mr B and the ex got on really well which was really good and made me happy.

Now am going to get my glad rags on for New Years Eve, the most over hyped evening of the year! I am meeting Muffintop and Al, plus PP and G! It should be a good evening as we have a table in Balan’s from 10.30 and plan on eating good food and getting very drunk. Speak to you very hungover in 2008! Goodness that seems so weird.

I End The Year As A Criminal...

I went to Hitchin in Hertfordshire today (did you know they have the warehouse of one of the biggest sex toy deliveries? Well you do now.) I was going for a COPL brainstorming day with Mitch and also to finally see her new house. I didn’t realise I would get in some trouble for it when I departed.

I decided to get an earlier train than planned, I forgot that when you get to Kings Cross you have to go to the bloody other side of the platform past Platform 9.3/4 when I got there I found there was a mammoth queue for the tickets and after buying my Burger King Breakfast I only had 5 minutes. I spoke to the guy on the Platform and he said that I could use my oyster card to get through and would be able to pay when I got to Hitchin.

Now when I got to Hitchin the f-ing jobs worth wanted confirmation from the station. Now considering I told him twice I came from Kings Cross he kept on insisting that he needed to talk to Finsbury Park station, who naturally said they had had no problems or queues. So I got FINED! Can you believe it? Bloody £20 and then I had to buy a single back. I got a ticket and a document to send my ‘argument’ to their head offices. Absolute pin heads oh I was fumigating! No, really!

Anyways I had a nice day with Mitch, we met up with Kaylord (who pretty much made us organise the day around her, I love her but she’s a real princess sometimes) for lunch in town. Mitch’s house is lovely, perfect for two and her and Matt seem very happy. I bought some cheap Ugg rip off’s. Well I’m not so gay I need the real thing, I will only ruin them.

We saw St. Trinian’s which was so bad it was almost brilliant! As for COPL well… we did some serious brainstorming though as from the picture below you will see it was under the influence of a certain substance and didn’t really amount to very much other than sniggering and giggling! Whoops!

Thats Christmas Over & Done With

Back in London after Christmas… aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh and RELAX! I am not a fan of Christmas, yes I know shocking isn’t it, and you would have thought that I would revel in the tinsel and the shopping and the alcohol. Well the latter is fine. I haven’t put a tree up or any decorations in the flat much to Mr B distress; he says it feels miserable, I said ‘let it’.

Christmas for me is too stressful. I hate the shopping, each year I vow that I will buy the presents nice and early and not hit the mad rush. This year as always I am shopping on the last Saturday before Christmas involving four, yes four, runs into Wimbledon as some of the presents are huge. I got thoroughly pissed off and had to buy myself two Nintendo DS games just to lighten the mood. I am stuck on the Simpson’s which is really frustrating me!

Then there are the hideous train journeys. Two bloody trains to my mothers and this year Euston was closed and so we went from Marylebone on a train where you can’t book a seat, there is no where to put your luggage and they don’t serve drinks or food or seem to have a heating system. Plus the journey that route takes a nice 3.5 hours! Oh and on the way back we were next to so ex cons that had come out of prison that day and were bragging about all the shit they had done, how nice.

Christmas is also about rowing. Big old rows over nothing. Mum and Tim were arguing on the first night about stepsister 2. Who was coming then wasn’t then was via taxi costing Tim £40, she really needs to grow up. I love her but sweet lord. All week it’s been ‘Simon is being mean to me’ fine if you are 10 like Mim, but at 19? It took me saying ‘look I’m 25 and our 19 I have much better things to do than pick on you’ to stop that one. Then it was ‘you locked me in a cupboard 9 years ago’ who cares, I was a little sod and I did lock her up, move on! Me and Amy did it as she was annoying us; I was 16 for goodness sake. Mr B wasn’t sure about it either, every time he tried to talk to her she would talk over him.

Mum and I had a blazer. Christmas Eve we decide to go and see Enchanted. Brilliant film, my mother almost wet herself, seriously. She announced we were leaving in ten minutes whilst we were all in our pyjamas so I flew into a rage. I also called her Hitler on Christmas Day. This was because we had to go a walk ‘yes, even you Simon’ and we couldn’t open any presents until we got back then we could then we couldn’t. Then I was talked to about how to behave with Mr B when Tim’s Mum was there for Christmas dinner, she’s a Methodist and not a big fan of gays. She was fine we had a right laugh; she’s got a very wicked sense of humour which I adored.

I went to Midnight Mass, I am the least religious person ever but Mr B wanted to go so I went along to support him. I managed to drop my hymn book and shout ‘fuck it’ within 5 minutes of being in there. Met some real white witches, Mums new friends who I LOVED! They were so interesting and not at all bothered about telling me all ‘we don’t dance around naked sucking animal blood like people would think’. On Boxing Day we watched them doing some Morris dancing in Ironbridge on the Iron Bridge. It’s the oldest Iron Bridge in the world apparently.

Presents given all good Mr B gave me a brilliant new camera, Kylie tickets (Kylie was a theme my family went with last year and this – how stereotypical, and how much I loved them) and Spice Girls tickets which he’d already given me, books and bits from Mum. Shower stuff from Tim’s Mum – bless her! Seth bloody loved his remote control K-9. Dr Who was watched and scorned by the family as being boring. Kylie wasn’t bad though.

See it’s stressful. Mr B got the rough end of my tongue (not in a rude way) when he said me and my mother are so similar i.e. stressy and volatile. I have to agree, I still had a big sulk.

Now I am back and boy does it feel good to be home. Now all I have to panic about is sorting out New Years Eve… bugger!

On My Milky Way

So it’s done! My time at Milky is over. What a weird last day as well. Got in at a normal hour, sorry but I was buggered if I was doing anymore 7am starts, plus G left on Wednesday (another shocker for the Milky family) and we normally did our thing that early. Oh that sounds rude ha-ha. Hardly any of my team were in, I had to send one of them to get Stink Bats leaving present, and yes that’s right we are all off!

We then got an email saying we were finishing at 1pm! I was meant to have a leaving lunch then L was most saddened. I decided to scrap that in favour of getting pissed at the pub with everyone. So then end of the day everyone crowed around my desk to say goodbye. Muffintop gave a lovely speech. SS2 said something and so did the MD so it was all left very positively.

The pub was a different story. People I don’t like and who have never really liked me (such a Woolly) did all that ‘I will miss you so much’ bollocks, I stayed very quiet. Then the more pissed people got the more they wanted to know ‘why I was leaving’ and ‘I just am’ didn’t seem to do much to shut them up. By 7pm I had had enough. Shloe was crying her eyes out, Jono was pissed and gave a speech on a stool and me and Muffintop buggered off for a curry. Maybe I was being sensitive or maybe I was much sadder than I thought. I got a bloody Nintendo DS as a leaving gift though which was really nice, I was quite shocked!

So that’s the end of that era. 2008 is looming and I am in a strange position where really the world is my oyster. Mind you oysters make me ill!

I Can Tell The World...

Finally I can tell everyone why I’ve been so quiet and miserable sort of recently. After a fabulous 3 years at Milky I am leaving! Yes people were well and truly shocked. Spanners came straight over and gave me a huge hug, Muffintop and Shloe both got teary, and people seemed genuinely surprised, so my acting skills must be better than I thought.

It feels good to let everyone know, I have wanted to say something for a while but couldn’t and can’t say too much now. All I will say is as of the 21st I am jobless. Well I have Bent Magazine as you all know so really this is a very good chance for me to get on with my journalism work 100% without the day job getting in the way. Plus I am buggering off to Australia for the whole of February so I am taking January out and travelling until March. Then I will have had enough time to reflect and see what I want to do next. Oh and there’s also Panto which will take up 2 weeks of January so it’s working out quite well.

Speaking of travelling my secret weekend away was to Edinburgh! Lovely Spa Hotel and eating at the best restaurants all from Mr B as a treat as he knew I was a bit stressed and all over the place, it was lovely! So that’s my news really! I won’t be blogging much this week as I have masses to do before I leave Milky on Friday… eek! It’s a bit scary now!