Food Poisoning, Fevers, Flip Flops & Rain Drops and Final Philly Freak Outs!

After a fabulous weekend it was with great sadness that I found I had food poisoning. So did Mr B. We know where it came from, and all we will say is never order a Chinese from Garrett Lane. Spent the whole of Monday in bed (or on the loo) and felt royally crumby. I didn’t do any work, nothing, just finished off Darkman’s by Nicola Barker and felt very sorry for myself. Mind you I felt much, much more sorry for Mr B as he went to work whilst feeling seriously ill. So Monday was written off completely.

Tuesday was slightly more of the same and some fever which was lovely! Mind you I did manage to actually leave the house for the doctors to get some Valium, more of that later, and what is up with the weather? After getting some dollars and a bit of shopping from Sainsbury’s it started to bucket it down… I was wearing my thinnest pyjama jogging bottoms and flip flops. There is something disgusting and yet delightfully squelchy walking along in flips flops with the rain soaking your feet and almost slipping into the main road. It sums up my week ha, ha, ha.

Today I have been sorting out all the final things for Philadelphia. Most of you will know I cannot stand flying thanks to Mr Q. Before a one hour flight which hit an air pocket with someone who was petrified of flying from Scotland I was fine, now I am in the depths of despair. Thank goodness for Valium I say am hoping I will be very, very out of it. I also booked seats making sure I wasn’t on row 13, although I am flying at 1305 which is royally freaking me out! I have also made sure the books I am reading on the way in and out do not have 13 chapters in them, see we all have our little weirdnesses and this is mine! Oh and I cant see a window or a wing on the flight so that makes me happy.

So I must dash to bed now as I want to be tired but not disgustingly so on the plane, I have to meet a fellow journalist at the airport and need to be at least half alive. If I can will blog while am away, if not, speak when I come back! Eek, am so nervous!

Young (And Old) Guns Go For It...

So the weekend that I have been waiting for and talking about for ages, no not the wedding, the 80’s fancy dress party for Caz & Phil’s 40th Birthday. We arrived in Matlock later than normal as I felt Mr B deserved a lie in. Mum came and picked us up from the station with Matt which was nice of her as her and my Step Dads outfits took quite some getting into. We were soon at Gran’s where she had everyone working like it was some small slavery. Seriously I kid you not, Matt was clearing plants, Cath was weeding, Mum had been mowing, Tim was polishing. Mr B and myself took the kids to play on the Tup as they appeared a little bored. What’s the Matlock Tup I hear you cry? It’s a piece of land near my Gran’s where they have some old bomb shelters and the kids like playing on. There were some other kids with two gorgeous Puppies. Mr B was in high favour Alfie just wanted to play football non stop in his Brazil football kit.

We had them back in time for Doctor Who (does anyone else think this new series is just nowhere near as good?) as for them to have missed out would have been shocking and I would never have been forgiven. We then headed to Caz’s to get ready and this is myself and Mr B as Wham…

Here are some more photos’ for your delight of the family, starting with the birthday boy and birthday girl Caz & Phil.

Alice (hiding her twin bump) and Patrick

Matt and Cath (or as I call her Frinny Frop Frey Froo)

And a very special photo of my mother (words fail me) and my step dad.

It was a brilliant party; the village hall had been turned into a proper 80’s hall. There were some very rude naked balloon figures of Caz and Phil as well as a naked cake. Sadly it was eaten before I got a photo! It was full of faces from the Savidge childhood and a lot of people who hadn’t seen me since I was 4, so that was quite odd. It was also a night of ex’s, not mine, both my mother and Alice dated Phil’s brother and then halfway through the night a revelation was announced. The DJ who I was calling Mr Cheese (he didn’t play ‘Into the Groove’ which I thought was just wrong) used to date my mother! Well I was shocked.

Midnight and we were all very drunk. Very, very, very drunk. You might be able to tell from the photo below I was quite sloshed!

The party wasn’t over however and we headed over to Caz’s once more with most of the 100 guests to drink more copious amounts of bubbly and get totally hammered. The birthday girl announced at 2am ‘everyone’s gone… that’s what happens when your bloody 40!’ 3am came and it was just Caz, Mr B and I. It was fabulous. It made me wish the 80’s were here again for real.

Hard Candy

Sorry but it can’t be helped you will have seen several reviews of ‘Hard Candy’ and now you are getting mine. Now I am not Music Journo so don’t expect too much though I did run PopSalvage many moons ago… that needs a revamp! I have had this on rotation for a few days now and could not help but give in and blog about the whole album (I was only allowed to say a little in Bent) and if it’s worse, better or as good as ‘Confessions…’ Mr Agius you have an email waiting and you started this lol!

Candy Shop – I personally don’t like this opening number however its Madonna’s favourite (I don’t understand why) and I suppose goes with the whole ‘Madonna goes R&B’ hype that has been going on. It’s not changed from the demo that leaked last year other than lyrically and that’s not a good thing. It’s like she’s trying to be 50 Cent. The only bit I love about the song I love is the trance middle where she repeats ‘sticky and sweet, my sugar is raw’ as I love Madonna when she’s being saucy. 2/5

4 Minutes – You all know this so am simply going to say a grower which I never expected to love as much as I do. 5/5

Give It 2 Me – This song really stand out as I don’t think it sounds like anything else in the charts (and I mean this in a good way). It has some really R&B horns bumping along in the back ground with a house/trance beat. I can imagine this being a huge hit in Vauxhall! The negative bit is when she does a break down over what sounds like Pharrel banging on some pans in his kitchen with a spatula as she says ‘get stupid’, ironic in an Alanis way! This could have been on ‘Confessions’ 4.5/5

Heartbeat – My favourite upbeat track from the album! I may have already created my own little dance routine… anyway. Produced by Pharrel its electro, pop and R&B all in one fabulous mesh! Nelly Furtado will be livid. “You know I feel it in my heart beat it may feel old to you but to me it feels new’. It’s all about dancing and how it sets you free and makes you feel amazing. I think she might also be referring to a crush and sex in a club but that wouldn’t be very Madonna would it? 6/5

Miles Away – The first ballad on the album and probably the most ‘typical’ in style. It sounds like a mash up of ‘Love Profusion’ – the guitars, ‘Nothing Fails’ – the sparseness and deeply felt vocals, and ‘Power of Goodbye’ – the synths and slight dance beat, almost William Orbit in part. Apparently this isn’t about Mrs & Mr Ritchie ‘you always love me more miles away, I hear it in your voice miles away’ and ‘when I’m gone you realise I’m the best thing to happen to you’. I have just realised this reminds me of Everything But The Girl in some weird way. 4/5

She’s Not Me – From the start of this song you can tell with the heavy base and shimmering synths that this is going to be a 70’s number. People are saying that this is her reply to Robbie’s ‘She’s Madonna’ – does she really give a monkeys about Robbie? This song does song like its ripped off ‘Bad Girls’ (just you wait for the Donna Summer album in May – amazing) and ‘Ring My Bell’ we allow this because its Madonna and means there are whistle and clap breaks for clubbing fun! ‘She might make you breakfast and love you in the shower, the feelings momentary ‘cos she don’t have what’s ours… she’s not me, she doesn’t have my name’ there’s nothing like Madonna being modest. This also does what Girls Aloud did with Biology of having three sounds in one. It starts seventies disco then 60’s clappy flower power, soul and blues and then deep house. 5/5

Incredible – This is the danger with calling a song something like ‘Astounding’ or ‘Incredible’ it might not live up to the name. This one doesn’t quite. The chorus is very pretty and catchy, in fact pretty is how you would describe the whole tune. It’s a piano lead mid tempo summer lounge meets house music if such a thing exists, well it does now. At six minutes it’s far too long, and sort of screams filler to me and what’s the ‘Evita’ dramatic bit halfway through? 2.8/5

Beat Goes On – Thankfully only sounding slightly like the demo of it that leaked, it does sadly miss the brilliant lyric ‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’ but its gained Kanye West who does a great rap on the track. Vocally she sounds great, it’s a sublime plinky kitsch disco number she even skits with Pharrel. I can’t think why this won’t be a single not the normal sort of stuff you would expect from Madge. 4.5/5

Dance 2Nite – ‘Hey Madonna, I’m taking you to the club’ Justin states before a heavy R&B dirty bass line comes in. Not an instant favourite but after a few listens this funky little number really grows on you. It’s about dancing as a twosome (think she might be insinuating sex with people half your age… maybe not) and being ‘just a boy and your just a girl’ homophobes lol. This is funky catchy and very Timbaland, not quite his finest hour though, quite Jacko! 3.6/5

Spanish Lesson – At first you think she has lots the plot, she is reciting Spanish and the meaning in English over Spanish guitars with a hard R&B beat. Somehow it works in its own odd way, this is unsurprisingly Mr B’s favourite number, partly as its Spanish and also as in its own crazy way it’s quite camp. “If you do your home work, maybe I will give you more’. 4/5

Devil Wouldn’t Recognise You – This HAS to be a single. I think this is her ‘Say It Right’ or ‘Cry Me A River’ it’s an epic electro R&B ballad. By epic I mean epic, the sound is huge and full, there’s a male chorus going on, it’s also one of the Timbaland highlights. I actually can’t describe how good this song is to be honest; I will have this on repeat for a good few weeks. 6/5

Voices – ‘Who is the Master & who is the slave?’ Justin starts this track. Well that’s none of your business frankly. Oh hang on this is one of her ‘deep’ songs, “are you walking the dog because that dog isn’t new, are you out of control is that dog walking you?’ This and ‘Devil’ see her doing something vocally that she doesn’t do very often and that sound more sultry and divine (not the best description). Weirdly this song remind me of some ballads from ABBA towards the end when they went a bit rogue (in a good way) it’s quite dramatic and has an Asian sounding hint to it. The album closes with the ring of a bell. Awesome. 5/5

Overall it’s great, no it’s not ‘Confessions’ but then Madonna wouldn’t bang out a second ‘Confessions’ it’s not her style. Some people have been really let down listening to this but Confessions was going to be a tough act to follow and I think ‘Hard Candy’ does this and surprised me with how good it was. I admit the ‘Madonna Goes R&B’ in my mind had ‘nightmare’ written all over it, but this is not an R&B album. Timbaland disappoints on this album (for me) and Pharrel shows just what a great writer he is. It’s a blend of pop, trance, electro and house with a thick R&B syrup coated over it… and it’s sweet! 5/5

Oh and here is an alternative cover someone has made which I saw today and made me smile!

Today's Letter is F, the Number is 88

‘F’ for ‘Frustration’, ‘F**k’ and ‘Fury’, mainly just the ‘Frustration’ really. ‘88’ is for the numbers that I have said the second ‘f’ today, and I think ‘88’ is probably an understatement.

Do you ever have an idea that you know would work, people around you know would work and then the people who matter and could make it real think it doesn’t work? This is my main problem today. Tomorrow after some sleep on the matters maybe I will feel better about this and maybe they will have changed their mind though it’s unlikely.

The second ‘F’ has been said rather a lot today. Be it ‘for f-s sake’ or ‘f-it’ or ‘f-ing f-ing, f’ this is mainly as the words are not coming from my head through my chewed to buggery nails and onto my laptop and into the magic of Word. In fact Laptop and I are almost not on speaking terms. I simply cannot get my fingers to express what my ‘f-ing’ brain needs it to!

I have also been looking for more ‘Freelance’ and to say it’s jumping out for me and vice versa would be a serious lie. I have sent various ideas to various people and will keep persevering; I think its just one of those ‘f-ing’ days. Some might say I am in the ‘Depths of Despair’ as todays latter is ‘F’ I would say the Fortress of Fury.

A short and sweet blog today but I think if I spend another second with Laptop there may be tears… So one final ‘f’ for you all. Farewell!

Pillow Talk

...Is one of my all time favourite films; however this is not a blog devoted to the Goddess Doris Day. No, this is devoted to the fact I am officially going crazy, mainly due to a lack of sleep.

Part of it is pre-wedding stress (33 days and counting), I mean the whole thing is 87% sorted but there is still quite a way to go. I am so sick of talking about my ‘blissful forthcoming day’ I wont say anything more. Apparently my body is not sick of this and I had a conversation, in my sleep, with Mr B at 4am about the colours of the table decorations and how I wasn’t keen. The mind boggles and clearly doesn’t sleep. I also need to say a big thanks to the life and sanity savers Muffintop and Mitch who spent 9 hours with me on Saturday and helped me organise some final things, best women are the way forward. I treated them to Stark Dallas Naked after which was a treat but we all agreed was false advertising, we didn’t see a single winkle! The other part is the mix up with those buggers the bailiffs over a mistaken identity which though now sorted has been bloody stressful. Part of it is the fact I am scared of flying and keep dreaming of all the things that could go wrong, going wrong on the way to Philadelphia (10 days and counting). Or it could be seeing my whole family in my home town this weekend dressed as Wham (4 days and counting). Phew!

Mainly it’s the bloody pillows. For most of my life I have been one of those people for who more is never enough. As I get older like a lot of things in life I find that less is more (just higher quality). We finally through out my shite ‘so thin they don’t exist’ Sainsbury’s basic ones (all 12 of them, only 4 were for Mr B) after coming back from the Spa break in Paris and me having had one of the best sleeps of my life with only two pillows, but these pillows were the fluffiest, bulging and delicious pillows I have slept on. I’m like Goldilocks… in so many ways, where can I find three lovely bears, ha ha!?

When we came back we bought the closest thing we could find and for the first few weeks it’s been fine. Now however I need to see a back and neck person (I have forgotten the term) as after sleeping on these new diving pillows I’ve gone and gotten a crick in my neck, lovely. Finally this morning at 7am I had the brain wave of ‘hang on I don’t have to use both I could just try one’ this is too soft and divine. How can that be? Well when you wake up three hours later after the deepest sleep and for 30 minutes are clueless if you are awake still in a dream or drugged and cannot shake that delicious sleepy state which is not conducive to writing and hitting deadlines, it can be an issue. So what do I do? I need help, and sleep!

Reading: A Thousand Splendid Suns – Khaled Hosseni
Watching: Sex & The City Season 1 – 6
Listening to: Hard Candy – Madonna (Heartbeat is amazing!)

Fagazine & April Meadows

I decided that I would have a day off today I am not sleeping due to stress and the idea of writing wasn’t high on the list of my agenda’s to be honest… at least that is how the day started.

I started off with cleaning the flat, a bit of domestic goddess-ness never hurts does it? I then decided that I would write the final lot of invites (I am refusing to look at the table plan) and so put Sex & the City on in the background. Within an hour randomly I had come up with a concept for a new gay magazine. One I am in my head calling Fagazine, I want it to be like Cosmopolitan, you know naked men and recipes, I think it could work I just need to work out how.

Working out how to do this depressed me so I watched The Apprentice and then randomly found a little gem… Belonging! It’s this welsh drama that is HUGE there and my ex (who is welsh) used to talk about all the time. I also had heard about it from Eve Myles – who stars in it – when I interviewed her. So I watched it and loved it, its funny, its real and it’s a bit naughty. I then checked out the website www.bbc.co.uk/wales/belonging it has everything, family trees, the stories of every character past and present its great it makes the whole of the fictional town of Bryncoed seem so real it’s a treat.

So now I want to write a Soap Opera kind of thing too. Already in the space of an afternoon I have the Cul-de-Sac ‘April Meadows’ in my head, and have already thought up three families and some gay neighbours, delicious. So am gonna get cracking on that this evening! Not the day of leisure I had envisaged but a day of some good fun and some serious ideas. Oh and I left out myself and Disco Igor’s plans for Pop Stardom… maybe some other time!

Deadlines, Diets & Devious Men

Deadline week has been upon me which is why I have been so quiet. As I am sure I have told you all before it’s when I suddenly get a mild panic that have forgotten something important or just forgotten something. Fortunately this month it doesn’t seem the case.

I have started a diet (which was slightly defeated when Mr B brought me muffins and cookies the other day, he doesn’t want me to be toned or thin apparently, the feeder) which involves no alcohol, minimal bread and pasta intake as advised by Mr Agius. I wasn’t drinking anyways; this may go down the pan next weekend when I am off up north for Cazzie’s 40th birthday party. Its an 80’s all out number and myself and Mt B are going as Wham. I am going to be George; I have the belly for it!

Devious men, there haven’t really been any but it’s from a song I love’ deadlines, diets and devious men’ so thought it would make a good blog title. Have had some good nights out with some fabulous men though. Wednesday was the launch night of ‘Electrosexual’ Paul Burston and Dom Agius’s new night at Freedom. It was a good laugh, like all first nights it started off quietly but a good crowd was in sadly Muffintop had a train to Paris (she’s so cosmopolitan) and I had a an interview with a Pop Diva early on Thursday so we couldn’t stay out past 11 and by then it was in full party swing. ‘Let’s Dance’ and ‘Freak Out’ made us stay on the floor and even saw us dancing in our bags and coats, next time we’ll be out in force am sure.

Tonight was ‘Euro Beats’ it’s the Eurovision Musical and I have not laughed or enjoyed myself that much in a long time. The perfect escapism from wedding plans which are just crazy at the moment. I was there with Best Man 1 (my little brother is also being my best man) Panders and we had a jolly old night though I think I might have chewed his ear off a little about weddings. Before I saw him I saw ‘the ex’ who works at Wimbledon Theatre to give him his invite, it suddenly seems much more real when you start handing the invites out. Scary.

You must, must, must go and see Euro Beat if you get the chance though it is truly an experience and night you will never forget, and vote Estonia I have not seen a more camp and hilarious performance since… well since… Jordan tried to get in Eurovision herself. There is even some pink lame thrown in, it’s a treat. Right, back to the writing board, am doing all the invites by hand and it’s taking forever! Fortunately with Sex and The City on back to back in the background it doesn’t seem such a chore!

Confessions in Confetti

…So wedding plans are a go-go. The venue is sorted, the meal is sorted now I just need to twist the arm of some people I know and hopefully the party will be sorted. I am beginning to think that the idea of having everything in one place is so much easier. Oh no, then I remember in London to get that dream you have to pay into the tens of thousands almost.

Sunday saw me have what I am calling a mild marital panic attack. We were in Confetti, which if you are getting married or not should be experienced, on Tottenham Court Road. If you married, you can mill around and gloat that you don’t have this to worry about. If you aren’t planning on getting married go to see the looks of mild panic etc on the faces of those who are. Also listen to the conversations people have, I didn’t know people could debate over a bride and groom to go on top of their cake for ten minutes before choosing two bath ducks kitted out in wedding regale.

At first it was fine, we wanted invitations and my thought was; ready made possibly printed and not to expensive. Well anything not being too expensive in a wedding shop is irony in itself… of the Alanis kind. I expected there to be maybe ten to choose from, not the whole 100+. I started to sweat. After a record three minutes they were chosen, only once I opened them at home did I realise that I was going to have to hand write them myself. ‘You have lovely handwriting’ said Mr B. ‘So we know who is doing that then I thought’. Having gotten weigh laid with the massive selection of Jelly Belly (why is it there?) I didn’t notice Mr B looking at table decorations. Table decorations? Table decorations? I hadn’t even thought of that. I felt a little weak.

I don’t know what it was that set me off, maybe the 50 different colour disposable cameras, the coated almonds in various pastel shades (vile both as a gift and in colour) or maybe the ‘oh my god its soon-ness’ but I sort of fell, well my legs gave way and I had to leave. I remember mumbling something that sounded like ‘too much’ and ‘my life is ending’ and then I was sat on the street with a Starbucks and fanning myself with one of the invites. I felt better but announced that we would have to not go back there until Monday when we were coming back into town to sort the dinner out.

So Monday saw us back there and this time it was much better, however I did have a slight wobble when I heard some woman banging on about how if Great Aunty Mavis didn’t get an invite for the whole day it would be tragic. Her partner replied ‘but she smells of cats’ - you couldnt make it up! I then reached into the depths of my man bag (for those of you who haven’t seen it, it gives Mary Poppins a run for her money) and realised we had left the guest list at home. Buggeration!

We get to the dinner venue, it was free that day – massive sighs of relief all round – and they were happy to give us an area that seated forty. I was so pleased I almost fainted again from relief. Well, not fainted, collapsed.
That was until I got home and counted my immediate family. There are 26 of them (not including the twins but they aren’t due until September) so that leaves me with space for 14 more people. Oh and that’s if me and Mr B don’t attend. So the decisions of which friends will come to the meal and how to word it to those who won’t has opened up a whole new tin of wedding worms. I mean people are going to be offended, right? Do I do a private family lunch with best women, grooms maids etc? It’s a bloody nightmare; I think I need to lie down.

One Mean Old Philly

One of the great things about my job is that you get offered some really great opportunities (such as interviewing AJ from the Backstreet Boys today and finding out which member has the best member) the one that has finally been booked is a travel feature… in Philadelphia. I know my jaw hit the floor on Tuesday when I got the call. Then the dates came in and it got a bit awkward.

Its from the 28th of April until the 6th of May for a forum (which I will be talking at – eek) and for a celebration of the City as an American Gay City Holiday Spot, so bars and the works. Sadly however it is Bong’s ashes weekend that weekend also which would be his birthday weekend if he was alive too. Bong helped to bring me up and was the closest thing I had to a Dad and when he died last year it was possibly the hardest few months of my life. I spent almost all the 7 of his last weeks (he had liver cancer and died 7 weeks after his diagnosis aged 68) up there and tried to be around as much as I could (whilst having an operation as they thought I may have cancer) but I am feeling guilty as I have chosen Philadelphia.

My reasons? I asked myself (after my mother told me to) what would Bong want me to do and have chosen Philadelphia. When someone dies you realise how short life is, you realise you should take any chance that comes to you. Yes I know I will be the only one of the family who isn’t there, and I do feel bad about it; however I will remember him in my own way on his birthday. So why do I still feel so mean?

Mooching Monday, Poetic Polari, Workaholic Wednesday and Trapped Thursday

It’s been an odd week this week. Monday was spent spending money, such a hard life, as after some debate Mr B gave me money to get myself some belated birthday presents. I had a good old mooch down Oxford Street and the area. Mr B technically got me some very good presents;
- Stardust DVD
- Enchanted DVD
- ‘The Battle for Gullywith’ Susan Hill’s latest book
- Red Converse boots
- Lovely new jumper with button up shoulders
- Ticket to see ‘Funny Games’ which was a nasty little film.
- A copy of the new Mariah Carey album (if you know where to shop)
From that list you could never tell that I was gay could you ha, ha, ha.

Tuesday saw me interviewing Take That… sort of. It was the boys from ‘Never Forget’ for my ‘West End Special’ for Bent Magazine. The West End Special that’s going a bit wonky but shush we won’t say that. Am waiting on some interviews and it’s a bit of a nightmare but it’ll get there.

The evening saw Muffintop and I meeting for this months instalment of Polari, I personally have called this ‘Poetic Polari’ Frances Bingham was reading some poems from a collection she has put together of Valentine Ackland and her lover Sylvia. I didn’t know anything about Valentine but would now like to know a lot more. I admit poetry is not my favourite foray into literature but this was superb, very deep and emotional, and Frances was a perfect reader both explaining the background stories of the poems, Valentines life and also some very comic timing particularly the comment on the poem she has read on Women’s Hour, it was very racy. Paul and Dom were as usual the perfect hosts, am really looking forward to the new night next Tuesday ‘Electrosexual’ at Freedom Bar.

Wednesday I worked like a bugger. It’s coming up to deadline week which usually entails sudden extra work and me running around like a blue arsed fly going into a mild panic. Fortunately most of the stuff has come up tops. I am now slightly ahead, though my internet then crashed and I couldn’t send anything to my editor.

Big Sis came for an early dinner (Mr B did his lethal Paella) and finally came to meet Mr B himself – she approves whole heartedly. We then went to Wimbledon to see ‘Never Forget: The Musical’, I can hand on heart say its brilliant. The story line is a little ropey but that’s always the way in this new genre of musicals. The audience were screaming, dancing and singing – no not me – and really getting into it. Plus as The Ex is the Manager it was free entry, drinks and treats all round, you can’t get a better night. Am off to see the Eurovision Musical next week ‘Eurobeat’ I will report back to you on it in due course, everyone says its cheesy, camp and fabulous… sounds promising.

Today has been bloody horrid. I have been trapped at home with a migraine. I get them every so often and they are bloody horrid, cant open the curtains, cant read as can't concentrate. One thing that did help in my low state was Desperate Housewives, have now watched up to episode 10. I loved Series One; hated Series Two, missed Series Three but this series is excellent. Have also received the review series DVD of ‘Pushing Daisies’, which is out this week, and everyone seems to be going hype crazy over in America and now here too. May watch that tomorrow when I can so may also report on that. I do love Anna Friel.

Oh speaking of America just read a brilliant book by the American author Anne Tyler. Her novel ‘Digging to America’ is wonderful. It’s about two families who adopt two girls from Korea and is really a kind of social study on American family life, very funny, sad, and moving, you’ve got it all. Am undecided what to read next. Any good reads people can recommend? Not that I am technically allowed to buy books at the moment.

Bowled Over

I am knackered after a day of severely bowling my ass off, yes after seeing Lars & The Real Girl myself and Mr B have spent the day in Queensway eating, bowling, catching a movie and then bowling severely. He won more than me and yet I got more strikes, how is that possible. Well I am a bit of a rogue bowler and it appears I can get strikes as often as I can hit nothing at all ‘gutter ball’ style which is weirdly 50/50. So in my exhaustive state here is a list of all I have and haven’t been doing in the last few days.

- I have had to wait in for 6 hours for a call from EDF after they threatened to drill my locks (mistaken identity and wrong details) they never called. Its fine now I have checked.
- I have used the word wedding to the point of boredom, worst scenario ever today, two gay couples getting married and comparing stories, designs and ideas… no, no, no.

- I have forgotten I am intolerant to Guava and thrown up. Thanks for those Brazilian treats Robert ha, ha, ha. He didn’t know what hit him, it was my projectile vomiting.

- I have finished the nightmare novel ‘A Quiet Belief in Angels’ and started a delicious novel ‘Digging To America’ by Anne Tyler, brilliant book.

- I haven’t drunken any alcohol but felt drunk on two occasions – odd.

- I have put Hoyden on a strict ‘biscuit’ diet, she knows why and keeps looking at me as if to say ‘I know you must do this, however I hate you a little and may poo on your clothes sometime’.

- I have loved the chick flick that is ’27 Dresses’ and am completely unashamed to say so, so there.

- I have found some old records that are genius (Vanessa Paradis and Naomi Campbells albums) the first so motown and camp it’s fantastic, the second so trashy and camp it’s fantastic. Both very wrong, but so right!

- I have written none of it was what I should have been writing.

- I have had coffee on my own in Wimbledon Village (how posh) and made some notes for the novel and then spent a little too much on rich peoples cast offs in the charity shops up there.

- I haven’t been sleeping very well, boo hoo.

- I have cried over the end of Torchwood Series 2, no really, I cried. I also rejoiced at the start of the new Doctor Who series. Catherine Tate is much less shouty and therefore better than last time. Why is Rose back? I need to know!

- I have tried some new Brazilian food in Bayswater Market, I haven’t bought a whole ‘anything’ yet, instead heading for the Burger King.

- I have been addicted to bowling.

- I have thrown away my favourite boots after they cut the back of my heel off, it was a delight as I am sure you can imagine. It still hurt to let them go.

- I have eaten far too many ‘children’s’ puddings. Kids have it so bloody good these days. I name two flavoured two toned Fromage Frais for a start from Much Bunch!

Wow that seems like quite a lot. Am sure something is missing.

I Vow Not To Laugh

Mr B and I have received a lovely parcel in the post, it is the DVD from Mr B’s dads second wedding, and this would be the wedding that Mr B refused to go to last year. I couldn’t wait; I am currently full of the joys of weddings with it possibly being one of my favourite and most current words in my vocabulary at present.

We also received a brilliant phone call which changed the time of the wedding… sorry partnership, from 10am to 4pm so I am very much relieved. It also had attached the options of vows for the ceremony. We have practised reading them all aloud to see which ones I like and which ones we will use in our own special vows we are creating. This had had surprising effects, Mr B cannot stop crying every time he tries to do them (I am hoping this is emotional rather than scared and thinking ‘what am I doing?’ tears) and I get the uncontrollable giggles, seriously I start laughing proper belly laughs by the end. How on earth do I combat this?

One thing that didn’t look a barrel of laughs was Mr B’s Dad’s matrimonial ceremony. They didn’t really look each other in the eye as instead they spoke into a microphone for the camera saying their vows and barely smiled. Odd, apparently it was nerves. They also had one of the most expensive (in a ‘we have lots and lots of millions of pounds but sadly no taste’ kind of way – I know I am evil, Mr B agreed however) and the highlight for me was a wall sized, I kid you not, picture of the two of them that they posed against. It was one of those soft focus all pastels number, I was laughing so much I cried tears.

I have since decided that I am not having our ‘do’ filmed. I definitely want photos, video not on your nelly, no way. I don’t want to watch myself talking and saying the vows and all that, mind you I might change my mind in the future and then we wont have anything because I didn’t want it at the time, oh no what do I do. This whole thing is so, so, so vexing.

Right, back to the grindstone of writing, both vows and work. Mr B has decided that vows are my job ‘you are a writer after all Baby’. What a cop out!

One For The Road

Tonight was a book group night and we were meeting in The Dollar Grill in Farringdon to discuss ‘The Road’ by Cormac McCarthy. This novel split us with three of us loving it, though one of us was scared by it and couldn’t read it at night, one of us who thought it was good but ‘apocalypse can be done so much better’ and one who thought it was one of the most depressing books that they had ever read. I personally was one of the people who loved it. I thought the writing was sparse and epic (like the setting and story) without being full of pretentious wording and all of that gubbins. The subject matter is harsh, no one likes thoughts of the world ending, I loved the ideas and the questions that McCarthy evoked, what would you do if you knew you were headed for nowhere other than death, suicide as some do or would you carry on and try to fight even if you knew death was inevitable?

One of the interesting topics brought up was, is there such a thing as a bad book? What are the criteria of a bad book or books? One of the previous books we have read came up in conversation ‘London Fields’ by Martin Amis which all of us bar one hated. My thoughts were that the characters were vile, the prose was stagnant and the blurb on the back was misleading. We will come back to blurbs shortly. The person who chose the book said ‘you can’t say it’s a bad book’. I can and I have, the whole point of fiction is that its different, different genres, topics, characters, prose etc. If everyone liked the same book there would be no variety out there. ‘But its one of the modern classics so it can’t be bad’ was the reply. I used Jane Austen as an example, some people myself included think her prose is stunning, some think that its trash, in fact in its day it was seen to be so by certain parties. People have differing ideas. Some people love Shakespeare, I am not one of them, and he’s classic that doesn’t mean he is liked by everyone or accessible. Look at ‘Ulysses’ by Joyce. I will try and read that one day. It became the second heated debate of the meal. The previous one was ‘neuro linguistic programming’ I am so not even going there, suffice to say I know it can be done but I think its bollocks.

Blurbs are a major factor though. I judge books on their covers and am not ashamed to say so; I also judge them on the blurb. We went to the bookshop after; we always do this to buy the next book (in this case I already have ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ by Khaled Hosseni) and to grab a coffee. I was meandering and looking at blurbs and covers, I didn’t buy anything am on a ‘no book buying order’ by Mr B. I have recently decided (and been reminded by the London Fields discussion) that blurbs are designed to sell a book not to necessarily tell you exactly what you are getting, though they should. For example…

Joseph Vaughan's life has been dogged by tragedy. Growing up in the 1950s, he was at the centre of series of killings of young girls in his small rural community. The girls were taken, assaulted and left horribly mutilated. Barely a teenager himself, Joseph becomes determined to try to protect his community and classmates from the predations of the killer. Despite banding together with his friends as ' The Guardians', he was powerless to prevent more murders - and no one was ever caught. Only after a full ten years did the nightmare end when the one of his neighbours is found hanging from a rope, with articles from the dead girls around him. Thankfully, the killings finally ceased. But the past won't stay buried - for it seems that the real murderer still lives and is killing again. And the secret of his identity lies in Joseph's own history...

Now this sounds like a thrilling thriller and a ‘me’ book. Having gotten half way through it and completely being bored, depressed and uninspired by it I am thinking that blurbs can lie. The book is R. J. Ellroy’s ‘A Quiet Belief in Angels’ and I thought I would love it, I hate to say on the whole Richard and Judy books are actually really good, I have not loved this book at all. I’m in the middle and its going nowhere, slowly. I also think that R. J. Ellroy thinks he is Steinbeck… I mean come on!

We couldn’t have a coffee in Borders it was shutting; we couldn’t have a coffee in Tinderbox for the same reason, however in the Tinderbox they were giving away free copies of Dan Rhodes’ ‘Gold’ which from the blurb and quotes sounds fabulous. I wanted to take one – I’m not allowed to buy but free ones are different – as I wasn’t getting a coffee I didn’t feel I could. The guys at the counter said ‘go for it, take one for the road’ well who am I to refuse such an offer?

Spring Cleaning & Dirty Laundry

I have spent the last few days sorting the flat out ready for the forthcoming move in June. It was time to go through my boxes (still unpacked from December 2006 I haven’t bought any shelves still, I know where everything is the boxes are labelled) and sort out what stuff I really need and don’t. The main thing on the hit list was books. Oh how that has pained me, the charity shops in Tooting are now much more nicely stocked. Typically I went into one and gave them lots of books and left with some new ones. I MUST STOP BUYING BOOKS, I just can’t. I got vouchers for my birthday too, shame.

Today I have been routing through dirty secrets, not mine, I have just found that some of the characters in ‘the book’ are unleashing some dark secrets here and there which I am really enjoying. I was discussing this with Jeremy when he came round for lunch and brainstorming on our project. (The project is going really well, though I admit I had done less homework that a certain swat tut!) He is also writing a novel and we both thought that when people say ‘the characters write themselves’ it was a load of pretentious twaddle, we have however both found this is quite the opposite. We are both being led on by our characters in ways we wouldn’t have thought. One place that I have been taken by the characters is the laundry of the ‘home’ and that’s not pretty.

Speaking of dirty laundry I love the new series of The Apprentice already. We are only two weeks in and I am hooked already. I have also found my latest villain of the series and who I want to win; can you guess who they are? On that note now I have a lovely clean and sparkling junk free flat so I think I better have a lovely clean me in it too. It’s time for a long hot soak with number four of ‘The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency’ series.

Double Vision

After my birthday bash there was nothing better for a hangover than a double delight of cinematic bliss. I love the cinema for me it goes back to my childhood when my Mum couldn’t really afford tickets to the cinema and they used to let you enter a raffle for free tickets and me and Muffintop would win them. If you ever want a good story on me at the movies then ask her about our trip to see Mac and Me. I digress.

I have been getting more and more into the independent and less blockbuster movies and seeing more and more art and foreign films. Recently there has been ‘No Country for Old Men’, ‘Lust Caution’, ‘The Kite Runner’ and 'Juno' etc. I haven’t even contemplated seeing The Spiderwick Chronicles which I would one have been out to see like a shot. I am not saying I am becoming a snob or some movie buff, just giving you the background. I am going to discuss the films backwards.


The last film we saw (with hotdogs – I am having cravings for food I wouldn’t touch lately, maybe am up the duff) was ‘The Orphanage’ a Spanish horror movie. Mr B hates horror movies but speaking fluent Spanish the movie was sold. I have not jumped in a film like I did in this one in ages. The story is set around Laura (the brilliant Belen Rueda) who buys the old Orphanage that she was brought up in with her husband and son. Once she does she awakens old memories and history and strange stuff starts to happen. Ominous. The film is being compared to The Others and while it has the acting and great story (the aren’t the same story) they are actually nothing alike. Belen is an amazing actress and by the end you really care what is going to happen (Mr B got a little lost) and it really, really makes you jump. Really good escapist horror.

The first film we saw was a last minute choice after seeing the trailer on Youtube. ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ is possibly my favourite movie of the year; ‘Juno’ could be joint or second, undecided still. It tells the story of Lars whose mother died during childbirth and in his adulthood he gets the mental illness ‘delusion’. He has a problem with people touching him and has never had a girlfriend, so he orders one on the internet, a plastic one called Bianca. The film is about how he, his family, friends and a whole town react to this.


This film is laugh aloud funny, heartbreakingly sad and genuinely touching with a brilliant storyline. The acting is fantastic. Ryan Gosling plays the mentally unwell Lars with depth, compassion and honesty. Paul Schneider is brilliant as the brother who firstly is baffled and then goes through a wonderful set of emotions. However for me British actress Emily Mortimer was wonderful as Lars’s loving and just wonderfully supportive sister in law. The other people who deserve credit for such an amazing movie are Kelli Garner who is the fabulously geeky and sweet ‘Margo’ and Patricia Clarkson who plays the brilliant psychologist ‘Dr. Dagmar’. There are also some brilliant small roles that make the movie in the shapes of the office receptionist and elderly ladies of the village. This is a movie that will make you laugh cry and feel the cinema with that warm glow. A brilliant, brilliant movie.

Weddings Are Not Fairy Tales

Since the news has been out that Mr B and I are taking each other up the aisle (oo-er) in less than two months I have had so many emails and messages. Thank you for everyone who has been so lovely and given me some tips and handy hints. Everyone wants to know, when – the 24th of May, where – not telling, what we are doing for the dinner and party – as soon as I know believe me I’ll let you. Yes, everything is still up in the air. People do randomly seem to think we decided this in Paris, we didn’t. The Certificate of Approval took some time and we’ve been talking about this for a while. Oh and I have been planning my wedding since I was about 8. So just the 18 years then.

You do strangely feel like you are in the centre of a whirlwind once it’s announced… in a nice way. Hang on let me think how to explain this. You’re caught up in your excitement and everyone else’s but you have to stay where you are both at without getting whirled off and lost with everyone else. No. Erm… this is a hard one. Ok, tips and handy hints I love, telling me what to do or what I think is right is wrong or taking control is a massive no. No that sounds mean. I will use today to help.

I met up with a friend this afternoon, she too is getting married in May, she too kept it a secret for as long as possible and the reason for the latter as she put it is ‘people asking if they can help is fabulous only watch out who you say yes to, people telling you that you HAVE to do this and you MUST consider this need to fuck off.’ She is so spot on. They don’t put these pitfalls in wedding magazines.

Mr B’s and my best women (Mitch and Muffintop) have been amazing. They constantly want to know how they can help, is there anything they can do. We went dress shopping with them and it was about what we wanted, we were all about what they wanted – it got complicated. That is the help I need, G has that help from her sister, who has gone crazy, in a good way. My mother (god love her) however has not been demanding but has told me when to have it ‘it must be that week because its half term’ and through a small fit when I mentioned I wanted the wedding on a Friday ‘well how selfish’. Well yes actually I am going to be selfish, it’s my bloody day.

Now, inviting people is a fucking nightmare in itself. G is having a massive affair that is getting more and more massive as in laws etc invite guests. Which she wouldn’t mind if they were offering to pay for them… in fact yes she would its her bloody wedding. It’s true though people forget that as well as it being your day, we don’t all have mummies or daddies who are footing the bill, and even if you do (we don’t) it doesn’t matter. It’s your day. This is my advice to everyone out there IT IS YOUR DAY!

I have had a few people say ‘so my partner is invited yeah?’ or ‘oh don’t invite my partner I know it’s expensive’. How about you wait until the fucking invites go out? No, I mean that in a nice way, but when you have a massive amount of stress on you as it is and you haven’t even sorted the guest list out yet because it could start World War III in your family or possibly kill off some of your friendships all you want people to say is ‘I am so excited your getting married’ not ‘are you sure its that day I need to reschedule some work/I don’t want to spend money on a hotel if your not sure’, ‘can you change the day I can’t make that’, ‘its so early I will have to be in London two nights, goodness’. You smile sweetly whilst inside screaming. Is this unreasonable of me? Am I becoming a Groom-zilla?

The ceremony and the dinner itself we want (not because we are tight, or mean, or awkward, it’s just what we want) to be really small, like I am talking tiny. My immediate family alone is 23 people, be 5 of them under 10, and when really the max we want is 40 its makes it hard. Really, really hard. I thought it would be a breeze, I was wrong. The party at night we want everyone there, we really do. I know however some people will see it as a slight if they aren’t invited for the whole day or a rejection. It’s a logistical nightmare. I will stop moaning and ranting sorry. I will say Cinderella never seemed to have this problem, or Snow White? However, they are fairy tales. Oh and Snow White did have that problem of being in some apple induced coma, so I let her off.

It was good to sit with someone who is going through the same boat as me, I also found it interesting that she wanted to talk about my wedding till the cows came home and not hers and I was vice versa. Oh the vow scripts arrived in my inbox today, ready to be rejigged by ourselves so it’s personal to us individually and our day… but that’s a whole other story and a whole other blog.

I Can Hear The (Wedding) Bells!

Now that all my family know and the date is sorted and everything I am very excited to announce that I am indeed getting hitched on May the 24th of this very year. Some of you will have known this was coming for a while, some of you will be a bit shocked and others of you will know Mr B and I have been having a bumpy ride and so this might look odd. So let’s start at the beginning…

Mr B actually asked me late last spring. I instantly said yes and I just knew he was the one; we hadn’t been together massively long so we decided after telling everyone that we would have a long engagement and get hitched in the summer of this year. As time grew nearer we changed or minds for lots of reasons (life is too short mainly). Now Mr B is from Brazil, so everything we did had to do had to be inline with the Home Office. This is where the bumps started. I had only told my closest friends and family about the wedding plan up to this point as we knew we could be rejected.

We saw a solicitor got it all sorted and then bless the home office; they changed the law on the 28th of February making everything simpler but harder all at once (its really long winded). I got cold feet via rising stress, argued with some of my family, then we rowed a lot, I wasn’t getting the big fairytale thing I wanted (I have a severe Cinderella complex at times ha, ha) and it was off. Yep… drama!

After talking everything through we sorted ourselves out (they say marriage is one of the most stressful times of your life – I now have less than two months to sort everything out) we applied and bugger me last week we got our ‘Certificate of Approval’ now it’s all systems go. No it hasn’t been the most romantic of times (though one of my mates has said ‘the amount of stuff you have had to go through is actually very romantic – you must want to be together so much’, we do) and the fact you have people breathing down your necks is hard but now its booked.

Actually random story of homophobia at the venue yesterday… when we were going to give notice I mentioned something like ‘so with the notice does it have to be exactly 15 days before the wedding?’ I really am quite clueless in the whole rules and regulations, I actually thought only gay people have to give notice, and it is in fact everyone. Anyways… ‘It’s not a wedding is it Sir, I think you will find it’s merely a partnership’ the over made up old crow sneered. Its fine, I have complained and I have been told the matter will be dealt with. Just thought would add that strange moment in for you all. Least our registrar is much nicer, she is like a character from Kath & Kim ‘grrrrrreatch’.

So now all I have to do is sort out; cake, meal venue, late night venue, some dj’s, outfits for me, best women, bridesmaids etc, what our vows will be, erm… pretty much everything! Any tips from anyone? Please?

I feel bad have said nothing sooner, I just needed to know it was definite before started shouting from the rooftops. The event is going to be very small, close family and friends for the ceremony and dinner and then lots more people (we hope) for the big send off in the evening. Oh and it perfectly coincides with ‘A Diary of a Mad Groom to Be’ coming very soon to a Bent Magazine near you. Seriously though myself and Mr B are overjoyed yet slightly daunted by the time frame. Hang on? Shouldn’t that be myself and the soon to be Mr S! How queer that sounds!

It Was My Birthday & I Cried ‘Cause I Wanted To

So yesterday I hit the big 26! Now I mentioned in a previous blog that I was none too happy about this. Not because I was getting older (bring it on) but because my early twenties were officially dead, I can never have those back. I have the fond memories and the not so fond ones that helped me grow up and become who I am.

So I woke up slightly hungover (thanks to the fabulous Lovers & Losers – more later) and it hit me, I was heading into my late twenties. ‘No problem’ I thought… and breathe no palpitations for the birthday bint. When I opened the four cards (bloody bank holiday post) one was from Gran, no Bong. They always say the first Christmas and birthday without someone is hard. I didn’t realise it would hit me like a slap around the face. I cried. And cried. And Cried.

I felt much better, until I remembered that thanks to my swallowed bank card I had no money, neither did Mr B, so we couldn’t do anything fun and I had no presents to unwrap. Fortunately Mr B had a small emergency fund which paid for a trip to the cinema to see Juno where we both cried. I kept telling myself that this was therapeutic. No cards cos of the post, Juno, no money, getting older, only a few calls, it was a low. I had Mr B though! I also had a hangover and looking back at the photo below which was part of the cause of the hangover I felt very happy.

The photo was taken when I was 26 years and 20 minutes old. It to me celebrates some of the best things about being 25 and some of the things I look forward to in the future aged 26. The photo is at Lovers & Losers last night in Trash Palace (on of my favourite haunts) hosted by two new people I met aged 25 and hope I can call friends; Paul Burston and Dom Agius (pictured) they also do Polari, through these events I have made some great new mates (you know who you are) and had some fun times. Yes FUN has been and will continue to be high on my agenda. Fun, fun, fun! Thinking of new things that have happened in the last year makes me feel positive, like my new career. So bring on being 26. It’s going to be a blast new people, new experiences, new ‘stuff’ I want it all. Plus something very exciting and life changing will be happening to me aged 26…

…More of that soon! What? I have to keep you guessing!

Gay Paris? Not Really

The trip that I had been longing for and waiting for is now over I am back in the drizzling London. The trip technically started on Friday after spending the day with Mitch and Muffintop trying on some VERY important outfits, Mr B and I ran home grabbed our packing and stayed over at Muffintop’s (she lives in Islington and it was much easier to be at St Pancras at 5.30am) after some of her legendary pizza’s and quite a lot of wine. We went to bed at 12.30.

Only four and a half hours later and we were awake again ready for the off, well I say ready Mr B doesn’t do 5 minute get up’s sadly. The taxi was early, Addison Lee sometimes being a little too prompt, and within minutes we were at the station, and a BIG drama happened as within 10 minutes I was in Kings Cross Station in tears.

I had forgotten to get out money to change at the Bureau Du Change so I went up to the (very grumpy and sleepy) man behind the counter who said the nearest cash machine was in Kings Cross. Now you would think when building what they are claiming is the ‘best train station in the world’ they might have thought to put a few hole in the walls in? Apparently not, I trundled to Kings Cross where my bank card got stuck (I asked people to help, they wouldn’t) and swallowed. I burst into tears. Fortunately Mr B had the emergency credit card… I was still in tears.

A cup of coffee later and I was feeling better, until the woman at customs decided to empty the contents of my bag (we so won’ mention some of the joys in there) and check as the fabulous ‘new Paris’ bag I had bought still had the gel shit in it that keeps it fresh and that they thought were drugs. Don’t worry it gets less dramatic until we come home from now on.

The Euro Tunnel was so smooth and fast (on the way there) I actually didn’t realise we had been through it. From rainy London we were suddenly in the delightful sunshine in Paris. Over the space of two days we had mainly sunshine with small bouts of drizzle, bloody painful hail and snow in Calais on the way back, more of the latter later.

By lunchtime I was sat with omelette and fries happy as a pig in the proverbial. I am sorry no one does omelettes like the French… no one! We had been on the metro the wrong way, up the Sacre Coeur and back down, all around Pigalle and its sex shops and we’d nipped into the Museum of Erotica – very insightful. I think Pigalle is now my favourite part of Paris; it’s got a Soho sort of vibe about it.

Onto the hotel The Hotel Royal Monceau http://www.royalmonceau.com/fr please do check the website out and especially the health spa, you don’t have to want to go there I just think it needs to be seen to be believed. The Hotel was wonderful the staff very friendly. Our bed was changed twice in the space of 5 hours and we hadn’t even used it the first time… honest! The bathroom was marble and basically it was heaven. Off up the Arc De Triomphe next, and then off to the Picasso Museum via several metro’s where we got lost.

We got lost the following day and I have to say it was two of my favourite parts of the whole weekend! Getting off the tourist trap and just loosing yourself in such a beautiful city is a rare treat. The Picasso Museum was sadly shut early which caused a slightly large bottom lipped sulk from me for all of 5 minutes before we found a Super Market and I found chocolate and crisps. Why in what was basically a Londis did they have more fun food of a much wider variety than my pissing massive Sainsbury’s down the road? I don’t understand. Mind you I also didn’t understand some of the flavoured processed cheeses that Mr B was eating as we made our way through the gay area of Paris. I call it a gay area, it was two pubs on a street, and we found another randomly the next day in a completely different area. They call it Gay Paris… why? It’s not remotely. A few bars does not make somewhere gay, I felt sorry for the French Poufs who only have that, not that I am a scene queen.


A delicious Crepe outside the Notre Dame, got lost again near St Michael found some great restaurants to come back to, back to the hotel. We had the spa to ourselves. For two hours Mr B and I jacuzzied, steamed, swam – the works. Pure decadence and I was so relaxed when I got out of there it was bliss. Back on the metro and off to find one of the nice restaurants, sadly they were all closing as it was now almost 11pm. The one that was open was… indescribable, sadly I didn’t have my camera at this point. Mr B had snails (disgusting), I had French Onion Soup (amazing) we shared Fondue. To cut a long story short I officially hate fondue. I had to find a supermarket on the Champs Elysees on the way back to the hotel.

The next day the start of 7am actually became 10am as we were both so knackered. We did a boat tour up and down the Seine which was beautiful. We were very lucky with some wonderful sunshine. We managed to get lost via all the designer shops and the Louvre before finding a lovely square near the Pompidou Centre to have lunch in before heading back to the Gare Du Nord.



A final farewell was had in a lovely Tabac down the road from the station. Oh, after being hassled by several homeless people. Now we get this a lot in London, it’s not so common in Paris though. Homeless people and beggars are around (there are a huge amount of drunks on the metro’s at night all seem much more harmless than in England, I don’t live there so cant comment) but very silently. I think it’s much more effective than the women outside the station who were literally in your face. Mr B got questioned to death at customs, I have never seen him so nervous ad upset. It was a lot of ‘what do you do’, ‘why’, and ‘how long for?’ made the last bit of his holidays a bit sadder though as is quite stressful.

My stress levels were next up on the agenda. Got on the Eurostar fine, it stopped just outside Calais for AGES! No explanation why, we thought it must be the masses of snow. Then it was onwards and into the tunnel where ten minutes in the whole carriage (probably the whole train) jumped at the scraping banging sound. We came to a short holt in the tunnel and I honestly thought something awful must have happened, I think everyone did by their faces. We were soon on our way again with no explanation. We got diverted at Ashford where the previous train boarded on to ours… very odd.

All in all an amazing holiday, we both think we might move out there now, we just didn’t want to come back.

Planet Jarmania

Last night I had the privilege of going to the Gaydar Nation preview night of the Derek Jarman exhibition that they are sponsoring at the Serpentine Gallery in Kensington Gardens. It was a lovely affair which introduced me further into the life’s and works of Derek Jarman – a sadly sometimes forgotten British talent and institution I think this exhibition will improve this.

When I say it furthered my knowledge of Jarman the knowledge was sadly very limited. Now no longer so, I am much improved for it. I am not one of those gay men who says ‘woe is me I am gay and look how shitty life is for me’ I mean come on, I am very lucky to be in a family who are so not bothered about me being gay its fabulous, I can have a ‘civil partnership’ and I can adopt. Oh and I can kiss in public, not that I do but I don’t like that from anyone, gay, straight whatever. Get a room and get out of the path of my shopping mission.

I had never caged (I am not sure if I had been aware before or not) that gay men kissing was illegal until around 20 years ago. I also didn’t know who were responsible for this moving forward in the ‘public kissing movement it did’. Watching it on the screen I was moved deeply. As did the tale of Jarman and his HIV positive status and how he made himself a public figure who talked about his HIV status.

I have missed something, you see we got a private viewing of the gallery and the works but also of the documentary ‘Derek’ by Isaac Julien (see www.derekthemovie.com for more), who also put together the pieces of Jarman’s that have now been saved, some of which are on display at the Serpentine. You have to look at the beds on the walls. The rage and torment and sadness they convey is phenomenal!

Back to the movie… it was narrated by (and heavily featured) Tilda Swinton in the form of a letter that she wrote to him the day after he died of an HIV related illness. They had been friends for years and built a beautiful and creative friendship. It was her words and all the footage of the films he made, paintings he made, public speeches he gave that actually moved me to tears. You must go and see it whether you are an avid fan or have never heard of him – you will be converted, I have now ordered Sebastian, am going to go back to the Serpentine for the surround sound version of his movie ‘Blue’.

I found myself wanting to know this man, I am very sorry I will never get to interview him. Tilda says ‘I met you when I decided it would be fun to join Planet Jarmania for a while and see what happened.’ I left feeling that was exactly what I would have loved to have done. I must go and see Prospect Cottage and pay homage to him at his garden, he managed to grow plants in the grounds of a power plant where no one said anything could grow, just to see more of his life. So that’s that, do go you will be moved and in awe of this mans talents.

Another gay man I will be paying homage to this weekend is Oscar Wilde I am off to ‘gay Paris’ for a few days will report on all the adventures when I get back. Have a fabulous Easter one and all, if any of you have any suggestions of a good novel based in Paris do let me know. I have almost managed to finish devouring one of Jarman’s diaries!

Tell Tale Signs of Slight Ageing

Occasionally you find yourself feeling older, for example when a birthday is coming up. It does make you think blimey where did all that time go? I am turning 26 in five days which I know is not old (eighty is old – until you get there) and I know I have no reason to moan… actually I do. If one more person says ‘oh you’re a baby’ I might scream. I am not a baby, the beard gives it away I think, or the fact maybe that I am almost six foot? Most of my friends are in their late twenties and early to late thirties and they have absolutely no sympathy for me at all at the moment, come on though when you get to twenty six its not the fact that coming to thirty scares you it’s the fact that your early twenties are officially dead.

I have noticed the following in the last few weeks alone;
- My stubble has grey in it
- My skin needs to be moisturised, I have always avoided this
- A couple of glasses of wine will get me pissed too easily
- Friday night with a good book and chocolates is my idea of heaven, not the club
- I like ‘dinners’ over a night of pub crawls
- My hangovers are getting worse (closer to mingovers)
- Wallowing in the bath is better than a quick shower and go
- I have started to say ‘aren’t they too young to be in here?’
- The words ‘oh that’s a bargain’ are pouring out more often than needed
- I have opened a savings account (this idea was abhorrent to me until recently)
- I get excited about appliances for the home, particularly the kitchen

Today however I feel ‘older’ I am shattered, serious bags under eyes. I have two social engagements tonight (The Jarman Exhibition and a new night ‘Work’ at Heaven) I currently just want to stay in bed. I have actually been out to the post office and Sainsbury’s – see that’s me happy – and am now in bed again. Yes, that’s right lazy sod. I should be doing some work and haven’t, the words won’t come. I had a small moment of self pity in Sainsbury’s when all I was buying was meal for ones and cat food. The woman looked at the bags under my eyes and me with pure pity and a slight snarl! Bitch! She doesn’t know the real me! Mad me feel worse though, good customer service.

I have no problems with getting older (except for when I feel it). I have been reliably informed by my mother (now 42) ‘your teenage years are all hormones and horniness, twenties its freedom and fun, thirties are fabulous, forties are divine’ that to me sounds great. I have problems with the idea of getting old and not having accomplished each year what I intend to but no one wants to feel they waste their life do they?

Have made my decision, am going to get off my arse stop feeling sorry for myself and celebrate these last days of 25! I shall go to the Jarman Exhibition and then ‘Work’… but I will get the last tube, just so can have an early night.

Giving Up Giving In

My Fortnight Without TV

I have freeview again, thanks to the joys of my second trip to the supermarket this weekend, I have happily plugged in my new box after the last one popped (and died) two weeks ago to this very day. Really I should change the title of this blog to my week without TV as the first week I did watch some DVD’s and when was up north quite happily dipped into some serious TV ogling with Alice. This second week after a dare from Mr B I have avoided all telly there’s no money on it, just the interest of how I cope. I said fine, after all I am not telly addict. I have not been allowed to watch any DVD’s, no iPlayer or other internet demand TV. This is how I have gotten on.

Sunday – Bar the fact that I am missing Most Haunted I have no major sulk, after all I did have a serious OD of Most Haunted only three days ago, it still irks me that I have missed an episode I have never seen that I could. Ho hum, there is always next week. Have an evening of phoning all the family and some friends, bath, bed and book.

Monday – No Bent work, normally would possibly watch an old classic movie like ‘Pillow Talk’ or ‘All About Eve’ on a no Bent day to break up my writing. Write for two hours then hit a small brick wall. Manage to get lost in Facebook for over an hour and myspace too. Feel like rebelling and going on Youtube but bar the Madonna video finally being aired I have agreed I won’t do that. Read. Pop out for a mooch round the shops, write for another hour, finish off book.

Tuesday – Busy all morning – good. Interview cancelled for the afternoon. Bugger. Am going out in the evening so it’s fine. Type up the morning’s interview, followed by a nice long soak in the bath, have realised like baths more than showers, feel have learnt something. Have several pointless MSN conversations. Go to Polari. Muffintop is asking me if saw that great show on TV last night? I have to restrain myself from beating her over the head with the Pizza Hut pan.

Wednesday – wake up early and hungover, have stupid breakfast thing so writing will have to wait a few hours and can’t concentrate on new book. Once home from ‘breakfast’ stay in some sort of no mans land staring at the ceiling and out of the window until it is time for my lunch date. This fabulously goes on for over 2 hours. Get home, play with cat, after an hour or so she gets freaked out, why is Simon spending so much time with me in one go? I do play with her and love her a lot, but normally while I am typing or relaxing on the bed… with the TV on. Maybe just maybe I like the telly a little too much? I am always telling people ‘nah I don’t watch that’ or ‘oh I gave up with that, have stopped watching it’ – so why now am I missing it so? Torchwood, I realise.

Thursday – Editor gives me some add-ons for this month’s issue. Keeps me busy for an hour or so then manage to type over 2,000 words of my book. Feel very accomplished and begin to think ‘who needs TV’. As Stephen King says in On Writing (which I finished last night) TV is the biggest problem for a writer. I think ‘pah all 41+ channels who needs you, I have some great stories going on in my head.’ Go out to the Jodie Harsh Birthday party get very drunk. Come home do blog and stick my tongue out at the TV feeling very pleased with self.

Friday – The hangover is unbearable, too much free drink. The fact I realise I missed Dawn porter on BBC3 and cant watch the repeat on TV or the internet even more depressing. I don’t want to go out, write or read. The TV looks at me, what I would kill for a ‘Hettie Wainthrope’, ‘Rebus’, ‘Inspector Morse’, ‘Agatha Christie’ or even a goddamn ‘Emmerdale Omnibus’ and I gave up soaps a year ago. What’s more I look at my diary… nothing down to do. Fortunately ‘the ex’ calls seeing if I am free this afternoon for a late lunch. I could kiss him. By 7pm am sat back in the flat, the TV jeering at me. I get in the bath with Stephen King and get immersed.

Saturday – Mr B and I spend a rare Saturday morning and afternoon together. Lovely. Only in the afternoon he really wants to watch TV. I find this cruel. He knows I can’t watch anything and he is the one who bloody dared me. He goes through the DVD’s and is going to slip one on, I go mental. He changes his mind, wise move. (I have some big news on me and Mr B – will tell next week when is sorted.) He leaves and I get typing for a few hours. Having done my daily minimum. Put on some music, and try to relax. End up in long silly msn chats so decide it’s a waste and have a bath. No one on MSN when out of bath, feel sulky and a bit bored. Read, read and read. Feel better. Open the Guardian and see The Guide fall out, full of all the things can look forward to next week… and all the fabulous things have missed ‘Most Haunted’, ‘Torchwood’, ‘Dawn Gets…’ and ‘Love Soup’. Through said Guide across the room.

Sunday – all feels well it’s plugged in; I don’t actually want to watch anything though. Maybe watch the Dancing on Ice Final and definitely Most Haunted, maybe a mid afternoon movie with Mr B? Other than that its no great shakes, it’s just nice to have there if I need it, plus have written more this week than ever. Plus after all as I said I’m not addicted, you just miss what you had when it’s gone.

Next week Simon gives up caffeine and the internet – as bloody if!

Shots of My Saturday

I realised as I walked to Sainsbury’s today that I had my camera with me. So as I went I decided to take pictures of things that made me ponder, smile or whatever. Here some of the images I came up with.

The Tower
Possibly one of the ugliest buildings that I have ever seen and the nation seemed to agree as it was voted one of the top ten building to demolish – they still haven’t. There is something distinctly ominous about it, something wrong. My little sister Mim says it reminds her of something out of Doctor Who, she’s not wrong! Would make an interesting setting for a story, maybe?



Next Mannequins
I always like to go to the Tandem Centre if am shopping, now one of the first shops of I will pop into (and never buy anything from – have seen a fabulous ‘Mr Lazy’ t-shirt today) now you look at these jackets…


Do you think they deserve to be the price they are labelled at? (I have the feeling its a cock up!)



They Have Bastardized Enid Blyton
This really upset me today. Really, really, really upset me. I have banged on about book covers before; these are shocking and make it look really, really cheap. I am all for getting children to read but this is a disgrace. She is part of our heritage and shouldn’t have her covers cheapened to make her look like she wrote computer games.



Now Just What The Heck Is One Of These?
I will admit I might have released a little snigger, I just wasn’t expecting my local party shop to be advertising one of these. I now want to know what one is, am a little frightened of googling it though. Should I be upset I missed out on having one? All I got through puberty was spots and mood swings.



Pigeon Chicks
There is that saying that you never see pigeon chicks… I have today. We were walking from the lovely Merton Abbey Mills market after a light lunch when we heard some tweeting; we had a nosey and look what we found!


So that’s that, a random and possibly pointless set of snap shots into my world today! Promise a more interesting blog next time. Sometimes though we should just take stock of the little things in life, or maybe I am just being too deep?

Wicked, Very Wicked & Harsh

Been a really busy few days hence no blogging but now I am back. Wednesday was very surreal with a slight hangover from the previous nights Polari I had a rare early morning meeting for a ‘breakfast’ with a certain jewellery designers, no I have not done a Katie Price and started my own range. It appears along with all things London and the Agony Uncle role I am now starting to do some fashion. I used to want to be a Fashion Designer so was quite excited about the do.

When I got there it was like walking onto the set of The Devil Wears Prada. They were practically sniffing out my Primark attire as a hound on the hunt for a fox. To say I didn’t fit in with half the people there was an understatement. I wasn’t female, blonde, dressed in the latest designer gear with a handbag worth over £1,000. My man bag was over £100 so I felt I could gain one gold star for that maybe… as it turned down not so. ‘Have you seen her Chanel bag? Oh it’s ghastly, more money than taste that one’ said a blonde thing looking at around £2000 worth of bag in question. I had my stuff put in the cloakroom without hesitation. The good things were the breakfast with Champagne (could get used to that) and the free jewellery especially as it’s a brand I actually like.

Wednesday also saw me late lunching with the hilarious Scott Capurro. I have not laughed that much in ages, pant wettingly funny. Fortunately not literally as I don’t think the people at Patisserie Valerie would have been very impressed. He is doing the Soho Theatre as of next week and if you get the chance please, please go as he is genuinely funny and though people seem to think he is ‘too out there’ if you pay attention to what he’s saying you will laugh and sometimes agree. Check out http://www.scottcapurro.com/ for more info!

Today has been a day of 2,500 words of ‘Untitled’ which is very, very pleasing though I know am going to have to go through and edit the bugger at some point, not until the end though I need to get it all out and on the page.

Late this afternoon I had an interview with the delightful Kerry Ellis. She plays the Wicked Witch of the West (Elphaba) in Wicked, which is what it says and is off to Broadway shortly with the role. I am doing a ‘West End’ feature for Bent. Lovely lass, very open and genuine, we had a nice cuppa in her dressing room. Was odd going into the theatre I used to work at and having a nosey at how the other side lived.

DD had kindly invited me to be his plus one at Jodie Harsh’s Birthday Party. Boy does Jodie know how to put on a good bash. Love Circus and loved this event, was like a real life edition of OK! Magazine in there, I want a ‘Harsh is my Home Girl’ t-shirt as was sulking didn’t get one. Now it’s gone midnight and I am off to bed with Stephen King before a gorgeous 4 days off! Phew!

What Is Polari?

I do know that Polari is the language that gay men used to use before this is just a useful tool to link the two fabulous aspects of my day. I have started a new project for Bent called ‘We Wish You Were Our Mum’ I cant give the details away until its out in May’s edition as I don’t want it to get nicked, suffice to say I had one of my childhood idols being my ‘new Mum’ number one the lovely Janet Ellis (technically I would like to point out therefore Sophie Ellis Bextor was my sister for the morning by association).

One of the things I try and pride myself on not doing is name dropping (you'll have to excuse me on this count now and again when its just too exciting), when your job is interviewing celebrity’s, authors, singer’s and the like and people ask you about your job I try and mention it in passing, or if I loved them I will rave about them, I am aware they are not my friends and its professional (though I have been lucky to befriend a few) and out of all the people I have interviewed so far the one who has everyone, I include myself, the most excited has been Janet. Or as one of my friends likes to call her ‘Saint Janet’ along with ‘Saint Sarah’ and ‘Saint Yvette’ – you get the idea.

I think it’s the fact that she was a part of so many peoples childhoods that I know. So when she left a voicemail on my answer machine I stored it to play people and the same with texts. You probably all think I am very sad right now. So when I met her in Starbucks (glamorous) I actually for a few seconds didn’t know what to say. She was however wonderful, lived up to all I could dream, really open, happy to camp it up and talk about leaving Blue Peter – she left controversially as she was pregnant with out being married. I have the truth… you’ll have to wait for the interview. The polari link? One of the questions was about it and she knows her lingo.

So Polari Part 2… my second night at Polari in Soho’s Green Carnation was a joy.

Last month it was Stella Duffy, who read from her latest novel ‘The Room of Lost Things’ (which I have blogged about previously) this month it was the author Christopher Fowler. His latest book was ‘Old Devil Moon’ he chose to read some new unpublished stuff which was autobiographical and made us laugh out loud in parts. Paul and Dom were as usual the hosts with the mosts and it was a delight to see them and catch up with them both. The music was great, I have now downloaded Neneh Cherry’s ‘Raw Like Sushi’ and Mike Oldfield’s ‘Moonlight Shadow’ – thank you for the recommendations Dom. Was also great to see ‘Madame’ as ever. All the literary stuff has gotten me even more determined to push the ‘Bent Book Group’, my editor needs more convincing!

Took Muffintop for her debut and she loved it, she was so excited we had to rush our Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut. She was made very welcome, as everyone is, and we got down to some good old chair dancing! She was very taken with both the décor and the DJ’s. Fun was had by one and all!

Let's Talk About Sex

The great thing for me about being a writer and doing the journalism stuff for Bent is that I get to do weird and whacky things, some are chosen for me and some I choose to do myself. Today was one of those ‘oh I think I need to do that’ jobs, partly for the fact that the stuff I could learn would help with my agony uncle column ‘Simon Says’ and also as it would be good to have something a bit different in the magazine. So (along with Mr B) I headed for the new Sexhibition ‘Amora’ under the Trocadero in Piccadilly.

‘Amora’ is a fairly new exhibition that looks into sex, sexuality and the like. Right up my street for the column and something that fascinates me. I am not shy of the subject; let’s leave it at that as I know some of my family read this. I will say one thing I do think everyone be they 16 – 90 straight, gay, whatever deserves to have a full sex life that they want be it lots, none or… erm, somewhere in the middle? It’s not like you have to broadcast it to the world, but should you want to that’s your choice, I am now going off on a tangent.

The idea of Amora is that you discover more about yourself, how you work, how your partner works. These are through various ‘touch’ zones, some footage and lots and lots of information which is very easy to digest. There was a slight stumble on arrival, and that was the fact my contact had forgotten to tell the management I was attending. The staff are so friendly though and within a few minutes I was in with the walkie talkie (I did make a point that it shouldn’t JUST be a breathy seductive woman) to my ear ready for ‘my journey’. And it truly is just that it’s a journey from body language and dating to the final act and relationships and making love last. I am not going to go through everything (there is an Orgasm Tunnel) as you should go on the journey yourselves. I will say it’s NOT pervy or uncomfortable, and not like someone suggested some sort of orgy! You could go on your own or take your partner. Most of all its FUN! Check the picture below, I was looking slightly bemused.

The Duty Manager and I got talking at the end in the shop and they are doing courses for all sexualities. (They have some really interesting facts and information on gay and bi-sexual relationships as you go round.) They are massage, confidence etc. The things I firmly believe in and well I never something they may want me to be involved in! Randomly I may be helping on these now, I’ll keep you posted! Apparently Head Office called me a Sexpert – once the confusion of who I was and where I was from was sorted. I don’t think the title is quite me but hell; I’ll wear it with pride.

I'm Overpowered...

To say tonight’s gig at The Roundhouse was stunning or superb would be an understatement. It was Roisin Murphy and she was amazing, in fact f**king amazing some might say. The Roundhouse is a venue I hadn’t been to before and though I loved Moloko and both Roisin’s albums I hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing her live before.

She opened with ‘Modern Timing’ a fan favourite which merged into ‘The Time Is Now’ it started very simply with just her in a funky suit bowler hat and a guitar and bass. As soon as the next single ‘You Know Me Better’ started she was off, and so were the audience. It was like a festival of sight and sound, dramatic and just mind blowing and all with just her a band, backing singers and a screen.

She sang another Moloko track ‘Forever More’ which I had forgotten how much I loved, ‘Sow Into You’ and ‘Ramalama (Bang Bang)’ from the first solo album ‘Ruby Blue’ other than that it was a real showcase for the jaw droppingly brilliant album ‘Overpowered’. The audience (and what an audience it was, I felt like I was in Fire or Trade in Vauxhall – oh and Tracey Thorn was there, love her, as were Lady Lloyd and Kanye West) lapped it all up particularly the title track, the last single ‘Let Me Know’ and the amazing, amazing ‘Movie Star’.

Not only does Roisin have an amazing and unique voice but her presence on stage is perfection. The costumes are fantastic with hats and edgy dresses being the name of the day and I was literally blown away. Am just slightly scared about interviewing her in a few weeks now! I think I will have stage fright, something she clearly doesn’t.

A Stella Trip

Had a fabulous time up north, bar the morning sickness which seemed a slight issue on a few occasions. No I am not pregnant. Was seeing Alice who is nicely pregnant with twins hoorah, those of you who know me well will know this means a hell of a lot to me and the Savidge family after a pretty diabolical year.

Arrived yesterday early to find Alice already cooking pasta and tomatoes, yes a random craving at 10.30am, this was followed by one for a Breakaway which was caused after I was talking about booking a small ‘break away’ we couldn’t find one sadly so she had to make do with a Twix or something! Hang on do Twix still exist? I haven’t seen any in ages!!!! We then had a Pizza Hut craving today, only with no cheese, the mind boggles.

We did shopping yesterday until afore mentioned morning sickness (or as Al is calling it ‘all day sickness’) took hold in Manchester Town Centre and we went home. I had needed to get the new Stella Duffy book ‘The Room of Lost Things’ after giving my copy to me mum, more on Stella later. We then had a night of M&S ready meals – so good, so not good for you, especially as we had that horrifically calorie filled Bread & Butter chocolate pudding that was simply deliciously wrong – and watched Most Haunted at our home town of Matlock Bath. It was filmed in ‘the Pav’ where my Mum and Dad met at a school disco. Interesting? Then we watched a mutual favourite ‘Dawn Gets…’ good god I love that show.

Today was an early showing of ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ followed by Pizza Hut. The film is good but not as good as the book (they rarely are) all the acting is top notch. If you like a good corseted romp it’s for you, if you want historical facts let yourself have your boundaries of ‘fact’ pushed. I nearly missed the train back and before I knew it I was back in London.

I would have had my usual ‘I miss the north’ blues, had it not been I was meeting the delightful author Stella Duffy for coffee and an interview and catch up. I had seen her at Polari last month and really liked what she had read and so wanted to get her in Bent. (There is a good gay story in there!) She was delightful, very warm and friendly and really happy to tell me the ins and outs of publishing (and give me some tips) and I had a really lovely time. Loving her work. I almost didn’t want to leave for the opening of ‘Movieum’. I am half way through ‘The Room of Lost Things’ and think it is worth while having on any bookshelf… plug, plug, plug! He he! I won’t give much away check it out on Amazon etc and get it. I know something deeper is going on than you first think, well I feel it is, and the characters and descriptions of the life in South London are brilliant.

After that met Muffintop at Embankment for the ‘Movieum’ opening, it’s a new exhibition on at the big building near The Eye – cant remember the name. It’s, as you may have guessed, all about the movies and saw us drinking a bit too much champagne and having a bit too much fun with the dummies of Superman, Judge Dredd, and Batman etc . Now am home, a little tiddly and feeling like have done a bloody lot!